Back Fat

So G got me to go out with her to go shopping yesterday. I usually go along but don't buy anything - she on the other hand is a woman with a credit card and a dream.

Her dream is to own all the shoes available and conquer the world.

But I went because I needed a bra.

I have two - a white one and a black one. They were pretty beat up - worn every other day with corresponding outfits they had more miles on them then the Indy 500.

So - watching QVC the other day they were selling bras and the woman asked why there where three sets of hooks on the back of a bra.

(For those of you that can wear little clip in the front bras or two tiny lace triangles with a skinny back strap - this will be educational for you too. Just in case it's a question at your next Trivial Pursuit party)

Bra design is an art. The engineering that goes into lifting / separating and pushing together is amazing.

The women selling the bras said that the back strap stretches with wear. When you first buy a bra it should be set on the first set of hooks. As the strap stretches out with wear the rest of the hooks are "indicators" so that you know its time to go buy a new bra. If you get to the third row of hooks your way past your "new bra" due date and you might as well be going braless.

Who knew? Things you learn while watching QVC!

So - you walk into the store and the choices are vast. Some are pretty. Dainty. Flowers and lace. Some are not as pretty - huge utility straps made of extra strength elastic. You can hear them scream in fear as you walk by.

I have a type I prefer. Not a brand. I am really not particular who makes it - I just want to make sure it contains the...Back fat.

Now...What in the heck does your back fat have to do with your front you ask?

The lady with the measuring tape will tell you....Your A..Let's say a 36c.

But I am telling you...If your over the age of 30 / have had a kid or have an extra ounce on your body - you MUST account for the back fat.

When you put on the the engineered lace - your shape changes. It's putting your body in positions that your boobs haven't seen since you were 16 and perfect. But - they don't account for all that extra skin and flab that you have accrued over the following 20 years too.

So all of a sudden that perfect size and great looking bra you thought you could fit into is making you into a a lumpy, dumpy mess.

You need extra material to contain all that stuff (or I will call it fluff -to not make it sound so bad).

So in all actuality - to get all the other fluff in order you must add two inches in the back and go up a cup size. So now you are a 38D.

Therefore, you must go over to the "other" section that you hate. The ones that your gramma used to wear.

You want to know what Victorias Secret is...She doesn't make pretty bras for fat people. Don't tell anyone..I am just sharing it with you. But that way - you won't go in there with the expectation that you will walk out looking like Tyra Banks.

So you opt for the ones with the wide back straps. The ones with the super-heavy duty elastic over the shoulders. The huge cups that you can recycle into a nice bonnet for a small child when your done with it.

Usually bra shopping is horrible. Its right up their with buying a bathing suit. Or trying on pair after pair of jeans.

There is one thing that I recommend you bring with you when you go. A friend.

The larger sizes in pretty looks are few and far between. Its like trying to find a pair of size 14 pants in a sea of size 2s.

So - grab as many as you can - and while your trying on your over the shoulder boulder holders on have a friend out there scouring the racks. Anything she can find in your size - have her grab it and bring it to you so you don't give up!

You will come to grips with your back fat and your fluff and after trying on 20 bras - you will finally walk out with two.

A black one and a white one.