Mr. Blue

I didn't think I could love any dog as much as I did Lucky.

Spike is more wonderfuller than my new phone.

Ms. Pink

Hello Moto....

After 7 years of using the same ol' phone I just upgraded!

I am ...frugal and I was happy with my free phone with purchase. But my phone didnt work in faraway lands. So since I am putting on my traveling shoes this month I need to get something new.

Since Christmas I have been eyeing a sleek, black phone that was on a super promotional special.

I gave my bossman plenty of hints but...the present I got didnt ring.

So - I waited. Birthday came around.....Nothing.

Easter....Nope.

So I went and bought it myself. Since I had to sign up for another two years I got a killer deal and now I am going to go by Ms. Pink.

I love my phone.

I am going to cherish it forever.

Or until it breaks.

Ba - bye

Pickler (American Idol) and Nenna (ANTM)

Not sad to see you go.

So...now....whose going to win?

Monday Funny

Got this in the ol mailbox.

This made me laugh outloud.

I celebrated a "No Stinky Men Weekend" as HB was outta town on his mancard pass. Spike is a guy - but we prissed his ass up a bit and put a pink bow in his hair so we could pretend. So -

I found this fitting since I am in a "Women Rock" mode.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!).

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn).

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in yourheart......Then you are just an old sour fart!

In cahoots...

So I used the lovely Turbo Tax program online and did my taxes this year.

I love this thing. It asks you all the questions and does the math all while running a tally in the left hand side.

Like playing the slots at the Hard Rock - depending on what button you push this number goes up or down.

This year I was smashed with a little Hurricane called Wilma. This year it was a question on my tax form. And as I pressed the buttons my total went up.

I was so excited because I had to get a new roof because of it - but my insurance deductible was so high I received less than half of what the roof is actually going to cost me. So as the numbers climbed I added it to what the insurance company sent me and figured I was going to get a free roof.

Hahahaha.

Last night I got a letter that my mortgage company sent me regarding my escrow. It's that little saving account that mortgage companies keep on the side for any changes in insurance or taxes.

Well.....It just so happens that the monies I was going to get from my taxes are needed for my escrow. See - something went up and they want to make sure they have enough money to pay for it.

Hmmmmmmm.

The big question is how in the hell do they know.....I think the IRS reports my credit to a secret society of collectors.

"Dear S.S.,

It's that time of year again and here are the shlubs that are getting money back from us this year. Now would be a great time to send out a letter reaching deeper in their pockets for their refund.

As we say here at the IRS.

Refund? You ain't getting no stinking refund!

Your 10% payoff to us for these names will be expected in 30 days.

Love,

The Internal Revenue Service."

In cahoots - I tell you!

Counting Pennies

I live down the road from a pretty affluent 'hood.

Everyone drives a very expensive car and live in million dollar condos that overlook the ocean.

They wear tons of diamonds and get dressed up to grocery shop.

Its the land a expensive haircuts and silicone and collagen.

There are two age groups to this hood. There is the wealthy "over 70" and the wealthy "40 something".

When we shop at their grocery stores - I am always behind the old lady draped in gold that is paying for her exclusive $20 olive oil in pennies. I breathe deep and suck my teeth.

HB tells me that I need to understand that they are on a limited budget and need to use patience as they count their pennies.

I say - If your on a limited budget you don't need $20 olive oil. Maybe she needs to hawk a bracelet or two - if she's living on pennies.

But there is the other side. The younger well groomed riche. They don't shop at the Winn Dixie - they shop at the Fresh Market (a small upscale grocery store with organic fruits and ready made meals).

I like their tomatoes - at 1.99 a pound its a little higher than the neighboring store - but you can tell the difference in flavor and I was making a tomato salad so I needed 3.

So - they drive up in their Mercedes Benz and then fill the cart up with snacks.

The lady I was behind yesterday was something that you would see walking around Beverly Hills. She was perfection. She had her elderly parents with her and they were clutching a bag of almonds for her to purchase.

The cashier starts her thing and the woman who is now on her cell phone stops...

"That coffee is 50% off!"

The cashier looks at the $7.99 per pound coffee and says "We don't have anything in the store that's 50% off".

"There is a huge sign - and why would I lie?"

(OH COME ON!!!!!!)

The girl looks at her and rerings the coffee.

(YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!)

The cashier resumes.....

".98 per pound for Eggplant?" Balks the woman again.

(FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THINGS HOLY PLEASE LET ME PAY FOR MY THREE TOMATOES!)

"I am sure that they were cheaper." she continued.

The cashier stops and looks at her price sheet and says... "$.98 per pound Organic Eggplant, That's what you have."

The woman says , "Ok, never mind." and then resumes her conversation with her watchful eye on the screen as the cashier scans her parents nuts.

The woman pulls out a Platinum AmEx and pays for her $22.00 purchase and heads out the door. Her parents shuffling behind her as she get in her $65,000.00 car.

Is she pinching pennies? I don't think so.

It is now my turn and I am doing my deep breathing and trying to be Zen and centered.

The cashier rings my three tomatoes "That will be $4.25".

"What they're not on sale? " I am smirking and winking at her. (LADY ITS A JOKE!)

She goes to grab her price list.

"I'm Kidding!!!"

She actually looked a little amused by my funny - but it made me think...

If all these people walk in and person after person questions every dime that you scan I can see how you would just take their word for it after a while.

It's easier to comply that argue. Because believe me - this group of people will argue a point into the ground. Who can blame her?

I then took out my wallet and proceeded to pay in pennies.(j/k)

Pickler

I know my Mom loves you - but I thought you were the worst this week.

But - I am gonna place bets today as all the duds I chose a few weeks ago are gone.

Tonight - Elliot or Ace is going to say goodbye.

Underdog vote...That Kat girl is amazing. Simon said it once. I will say it again. I look forward to hearing her sing...just like a few years ago...there was this girl named Kelly, Kelly Clarkson.

Ok - I also bought 5 quick pick tickets for the $82 million dollar pot for the lotto tonight.

I am gonna win one of these...

Bet me.

Owwww...

My aching back.

You know that kiss my ass nerve that runs down the right side.

Down your ass - to your hamstring.

That one.....thats the one.

I love my family - I love throwing parties but the standing part really wears on me. Finally around 5:30 as everyone was standing in the kitchen (even though there are wonderfully comfy couches everywhere) I went and laid down.

I couldnt take it anymore. I don't care if that makes me a bad host - but they continued to mingle in the kitchen and I put my feet up.

When they finally left - G had a brilliant idea. We went in the hottub.

I was in there for three hours. Bliss.

Only to be removed because of the theme song to The Sopranos.

I was shriveled to prunelike status - but my legs felt better.

I think another hottub nite is in my future.

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

Hippity Hoppity...

Easters on it's way!!!!!!!!!!

Peeps
Cadbury Eggs
Pink and lilac malted milk balls
Chocolate bunnies
Egg shaped chocolates in shiny paper
Jelly Beans

I'm so going on a sugar high this weekend folks.

Join me wont you.....?

Have a very Happy Easter.

Enough...

People in America are screaming that their jobs are outsourced to India.

I have a bigger gripe.

Those dangnabit "check out your own groceries" teller machines.

I think I am of average intelligence. I follow direction. My listening skills are acceptable.

But these things that are taking over the jobs of cashiers everywhere are horrible creatures.

First of all the counter space that they give you to place your items is very small. Also it had a weight limit.

BEEP (that's me scanning the item - 12 pk Diet Coke for example)

"$4.19" (She does have a lovely voice I will give her that)

BEEP

"$4.19. Place the item in the bag."

BEEP

$4.19. Please remove the items from the area."

BEEP

"You did not put the item scanned in the proper bag. Please hold someone will assist you momentarily."

(At this point the machine is seized and flashing like I just won the million Dollar Jackpot. I scour the people around looking for an employee)

"Please hold someone will assist you momentarily" ( I heard you Bitch - I think to myself)

Finally an official looking person comes - pounds some numbers into the keypad. Swipes their card and resets the machine and hurriedly walks to another machine that is saying the same thing.

As an honest person I look at the screen - see that my 3 cases of DC are on the bill and move on.

BEEP

"$7.99"

BEEP

"$2.79. Please place the item in the bag"

BEEP

"$2.99. The item scanned does not match the weight in the bag. Please hold someone will assist you momentarily."

Now tell me....How can this be easier than having a person standing there ringing you up?

They have popped up at Office Depot and at Home Depot.

At Home Depot- they have someone standing at a platform about 5 feet away. She watches you like a hawk. You beep-beep-beep. Pay. Then you have to walk over to her so she can check your receipt that she watched you ring everything up. Its the only way you can get past the second guy at the door who will let you leave.

wouldn't it be easier for her to ring me up. Then she wouldn't have to check my receipt?

The cost of my groceries hasn't gone down. I get no special discount.

I only get aggravated.

I hate the grocery store. I had a lovely service that a local grocer provided. For $7.00 they would deliver (to your counter - in your home) all your grocery needs. All you needed to do was go online and place the order - and be home when they said they would be there (they were always prompt).

That service also went away. So your telling me people like grocery shopping?

Putting everything in your cart. Just to put it on the counter - to back it - to put it in your car - to take it from your car - to put it all away?!?

Your telling me someone actually enjoys that???

People should unite and refuse to use these machines.

There is one cashier that they have available for really large orders.

I SAY - STAND IN LINE!!!

When the manager comes over and points to the Bitch in the Machine. Refuse.

Say outloud. We are giving ________ (enter cashiers name here) job security.

We don't need no stinking machines.

Cashiers UNITE!!!!!

Vacations

Vacations, holidays, days off.

I think the only person in the USA who gets as much time off as our counterparts in Europe are schoolkids.

It seems that our kids are never in school. Holidays and breaks mixed in with teacher workdays. I don't remember having that much time off.

I am "trying" to plan another trip to Europe in a few weeks. I had a perfect date. But regretfully my glue that holds my 'fam' together while I am gone cannot come. So - I am trying to move it around.

Europe has public holidays that land on off days. In the US we work holidays into long weekends. Europeans - get a Tuesday off or a Thursday off. It just messes up everything!

Also they take holiday. Long holidays. They visit lands we only hear about on the Travel Channel.

For them a three hour plane ride brings you to Spain - Turkey - Africa - Malta - Greece.

A three hour plane ride for me gets me to....Oklahoma.

So - also in my planning I am working around weeks of vacations.

" I am leaving of the 29th of May.....Not to return until a month later." He says.

"Yes- but then so and so goes on Maternity Leave" I whine. (Men get Maternity leave just like their wives. Most men let thier wife take care of the child the first three months and they take over the last)

"Yes- he will be gone from the end of June until August." He states.

" But I dont want to go back here there in October...it was awfully cold." Pleading into the phone. "Please, just give me a week where everyone will be there. No one will be on vacation, holiday, maternity leave or sick!"

"Well, I think that we are are scheduled to be here at the beginning of December. Because then the company shuts down for the last two weeks of the month for the....holidays."

I give up.

G vs. The Rat

The rat won of course.

G calls last night from her counterbar - screaming into the phone.

"Oh my God - they caught a rat! Help me!"

G owns two Jack Russell terriers. I think this was something the live for....Hunting, chasing and killing Rats.

Apparently G was on the back porch having a smoke and they corralled a rat. Instead of catching it and killing it - the rat outsmarted them and went between G's feet and directly into the house.

Up the curtains - down the curtains. Across the couch and leaping from dining room table chair to chair.

G is closing all the doors in the house so that she can keep him contained. Until he leaps again for another invisible exit.

Rat is running for his life!

G cannot get them to go out the way they came. So in a panic she gets as high off the ground as she possibly can and does what every brave woman does.

Scream!

When that went without neighbors pounding at the door she quickly jumps down and grabs the phone and her phone book. Chaos is all around her. These dogs will not let this Rat rest.

He will be caught or they will die trying.

She calls neighbors one by one. " Help Me!" she screams into the phone.

I get a phone call - although I don't answer at the time. "Callllllll me!!!"

(Like I am the one to call to catch a Rat - NOT!)

Luckily one of her neighbors finally comes to her rescue. With broom in hand is able to SWWEEEPPP the RAT out the door.

Dogs are panting and in a frenzy - I call as its ending.

The neighbor has left - but G is still on the counter. She's laughing now thinking of the site she must be. But she has yet to crawl down. She's suffering from the heebie-jeebies and total embarrassment.

We laugh about it on the phone and I say...Ok? You feel better now.

She says no - and I think she probably spent the night on that counter.

Illegals

I love them.

Surrounded by them. Not all Hispanic either. My illegals are Irish, English and Jamaican.

Illegals do things no one else want to do.

They work hard. Live ten to a house and spend their money just like everyone else.

We have a local worker pickup pool down the street. Little Latin men all huddled together at o'dark thirty waiting for a truck to come by.

A co-worker told a guy from Missouri who just moved here and was looking for work to go over and catch a truck every morning.

Guy couldn't seem to get his ass outta bed every morning to make it. Seems he will be moving back to Missouri soon - says he can't make a living.

I grew up in a neighborhood where boatloads of folks found refuge on the beaches of Miami. They have defined the city where I once called home. They brought their families, food and culture.

This is what America is made of. People who came to America to make a better life for themselves and the ones at home that couldn't make the trip.

Its a melting pot folks - that's what Ms. Liberty is all about.

Think of all the restaurants that would never be. The music that you would have never heard.
Cultures and influence have all been melded into one or small communities now exist.

I say 'Welcome Illegals' one and all.

Just don't blow my shit up!

I gotta have this....

You can put it in my Easter Basket.

How can you not like a Donkey who craps smokes?

Please Mommy - can I have it?

RaLpH

My boss W - is in my bathroom RAAALLLLPPHHIINNNGGG his guts up.

This is serious ralphing. Sounds like his guts are coming up.

But because he is going thru a very bad divorce he doesnt want to go home as he feels he won't get any peace there.

I am sorry - but ...

A - Your grossing me out.

B - Your contaminating my bathroom. The place where my most intimate of parts is open for whatever it is you got.

C- Your probably infecting everyone in the joint.

Go home. Go home. Go HOME!!!!!

Bleech.

Reality Wrap up

Man'diva' was robbed.

I am speechless - I don't understand. They were going down one by one - as I predicted.

Never saw that one coming. Sniff - sniff.

I will miss seeing you on Tuesday nights.

Next - anyone watch this vomit fest Unanimous?

Tell me - because I didn't catch it in the rules...

Why don't the give all the money to Steve since they seem to trust him and tell him to split it evenly amongst the troops?

Why do they have to sit there and "prove" that they "deserve" the money?

I made myself sick watching this tonight. They picked the most selfish folks they could find.

Plus a few who apparently have no life and like it in "bunker".

Ah - I feel the stomach burn of reality TV.

Good stuff.

A zillion of them.....

When I had J - I made a decision that one was enough.

Now I have Spike and I still believe one is enough.

Although 17 more might not be too bad.

Hey Brat!

Last season on The Surreal Life - DaBrat (a rapper) told Jane Wielden (a Go-Go) that she was a washed up 'has-been'.

Jane was quite upset with this - and confronted Brat about her statement. She stated that Brat had no clue about her career and really should take it back.

Brat said no and Jane cried.

Well Jane - I have plopped down $60 a ticket to go see you perfrom tonight with the rest of your crew...otherwise known as ....

The Go-Go's.

(anyone heard of them? LOL)

Better question yet...anyone know what Da Brat is up to?

I cannot wait to relive my youth tonight.

I love these Chicks!