My Mop

He's wet from a bath and decides to mop the floor.
How can I not smile?

I love Spike.

Playtime

Got another email that was intriguing. From my ex-sis in law. I read her answers and they were angry and full of distrust and anger towards her exes. So I thought I would play as I wondered how angry I may seem. So - I will post it and answer it. Like. that. 1-2-3. Instant answers always hold truth. Thoughts in your replies are...too thoughtful.

Here we go.....

My ex is ...The AH.

Maybe I should... go on a diet.

I love...HB.

I don't understand...why J is such an angry little girl.

I lost...Lucky two years ago. Mentioning his name still makes me cry.

People would say that I'm...A control freak.

Sex is...better when you are in love.

Love is...conditional - everything comes with a price.

Somewhere, someone is...crying.

I will always...have a crush THISBIG on my Dad. He is the perfect husband/ father / friend.

Forever is...shorter than it seems.

I would never want to...jump from a perfectly good plane.

I think the current President is...trying his best.

When I wake up in the morning I...am glad that I made it thru another night.

Life is full of...tears and laughter. Its the laughter that makes it worth it.

My past is...what made me who I am.

I get annoyed when...people lie to my face when I know the truth.

I wish...my parents were still 20 minutes away. I miss them everyday.

My dog is....the thing that makes my happy everyday (even when he pees on the floor)

Tomorrow I'm going to...Go to happy hour!!!

I have low tolerance for people who...are ignorant and speak too much.

If I had a million dollars I would...Sell my house and move to an island and open a bar.

Sometimes I want...a hug or two.

Wow -I almost cried three times while typing this.

I must be getting my period.

Dress up

We have had customers in all weekend and they will be taking a tour of the facility today.

We really don't have a dress code here. Its pretty laid back and the guys wear a variation of T shirts and jeans most of the time.

I try to look cute everyday - but it would be called casual wear.

So - HB has a few mucky mucks coming in and he requested that everyone dress a little nicer than usual.

To me that means kick it up a notch. Instead of jeans wear khakis. Instead of a T shirt, wear a polo.

We aren't asking for suits - people!!!

Our office is a dungeon. The carpet is filthy and we have no view - Hell, we don't have any windows. We need to do something!

So - I look cute. HB looks cute.

The boys - same shit. Maybe a nicer T-shirt than usual. Still wearing jeans.

I don't get it.

Waiting eagerly until the boss comes in. He is usually the leader of the "casual" pack and we notified him yesterday of the visit. Told him to dress "a little".

If I had any power over these knuckleheads I would tell them...

Go home and try again!

SAY IT AIN'T TRUE - PLEASE!

So - I get crapola in my mailbox all day long. Unless the title amuses me I generally delete it if it is started with a FW:

So this said Starbucks and you know me and my love for the House of Bean!

I know a lot of these mass emails are full of crapola and I would be so saddened if this was true at all - in the littlest bit.

I am trembling because if it is - I may not be able to go there anymore!!!! SOB!!!!

PLEASE SOMEONE QUICKLY - TELL ME THIS IS THE SAME THING AS THAT STUPID COOKIE RECIPE!!!!


Subject: Starbucks Refuses Coffee to Marines

Recently Marines in Iraq wrote to Starbucks because they wanted to let them know how much they liked their coffees and to requestthat they send some of it to the troops there.

Starbucks replied, telling the Marines thank you for their support of their business, but that Starbucks does not support the war, nor anyone in it, and that they would not send the troops their brand of coffee.

So as not to offend Starbucks, maybe we should not support them by buying any of their products!

As a war vet writing to fellow patriots, I feel we should getthis out in the open. I know this war might not be very popular withsome folks, but that doesn't mean we don't support the boys on the ground fighting street-to-street and house-to-house for what they andI believe is right. If you feel the same as I do then pass this along, or you candiscard it and no one will never know.

Thanks very much for your support.

I know you'll all be there again when I deploy once more.

"Semper Fidelis."

Sgt Howard C. Wright1st Force Recon Co1st Plt PLT

PLEASE SAY IT ISNT SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Muffintop

I hear there is a bakery that sells only muffin tops. The best part in my opinion of a muffin.

The rest of the muffin (inside) the paper is always dry and never has anything good on it like frosting or sprinkles. Chocolate chips or nuts.

When partaking in a muffin I usually rip that top part off and throw the rest away.

Starbucks just came out with a muffin / cupcake in chocolate with lovely chocolate shavings on it. You can actually buy them as a 4 pack to share with your co-workers. Since I don't like my co-workers (except for HB) I just rip off the tops as I am driving and eat the yummy goodness on my way to work. It doesnt really count as eating 4 since I am only eating the tops - I think it would be equivalent to eating two....maybe.

But I was looking at a caption the other day of a woman being arrested - her shirt pulled up just below her breasts.

Wearing jeans and bare belly showing.

The caption: Nice Muffintop.

I looked as I didn't see any muffins or bakeries in the pic. What in the hell does that mean?

Well as you study the picture you see where her stomach and sides spill out over her jeans - just like a tasty muffin would.

Long story short - boobies down she looked like someone baked a muffin inside a pair of jeans.

I have heard of Cameltoe. While trying on clothes or critiquing someone who has tried on a pair of unflattering pants. I have said... "Cameltoe!"

Everyone knows what this is and promptly goes and tries on another pair.

Or Ass Eaters - When you ass eats your pants - you will constantly have to be picking them out - so it best to leave them in the dressing room.

Or Mom pants - When the amount of material is huge - you end up wearing them really high or they have an elastic band that's three inches wide. They give (as my Mom would say).

Or the 4 tittie - that's when the cups of your bra are too tight and you look like you have 4 titties instead of two.

Muffintop was a new one on me.

Today I was getting dressed and I pulled on my jeans. Looked in the mirror as I was reaching for a shirt....

I had Muffintop.

I think that I probably have Muffintop in all my pants. No - I know I have Muffintop. My shirt choice changed and I ended up wearing a very loose fitting pullover to hide that fact.

I can't hide from it any longer - I am now going to have to move into the Mom jeans so that that elastic will provide me a little cheating room. A little give!

That or go on a diet.

Damn those Muffins!!!!!

Regroup

Its a sad, sad life I lead when I am obsessed with a TV show.

If there was an opportunity to bet on it - I would be in (although wringing my hands and chain smoking due to my nerves)

AI is a two hour show on Tuesdays - way to long as only 6 of them are worth anything so as soon as they dump the extra baggage will will have ourselves a competition.

You know how I know? After the first hour..I heard all I wanted to hear. I really struggled thru the last hour.

I said in my last post about AI that I thought Paris Bennett was the best on the woman's team.

BUTTTTTTT.......

I am now switching my vote to Man'diva' (she gives me goosepimples). That Kat girl really is good AND pretty. Those are my women top 3 choices.

That sweet southern blond and and Miss Tucker though both pretty as can be - don't have the pipes and truly don't excite me. Wouldn't buy an album (and that's the key).

My favorite male, my grey haired lovey Taylor was just so-so. I don't think he will be cut tonight but I think the genre of music they were doing last night was a perfect opportunity for him. He failed me (I hope that America sees that there are worse in the competition and lets him stay).

Coming in strong for me on the male side - for the second week in a row....Chris D.

Sounding a little like Paula Abdul - he makes the song his own. On both occasions he took the songs and reworked them and they were great! I would definitely like to see where this brings him.

Bucky and Kevin and yes, even Ace could go and I wouldn't be sad.

I will sit with my scorecard out tonight.

Please America don't let me down.

$170 Champagne

$170 champagne taste just as good as the $30 bottle we ended up with.

Just don't tell the French guy that makes the stuff or you might hurt his feelings.

Also - don't say this one has too much carbonation. He will know you are a poser and with horror in his eyes will say...."Carbonation is for soft drinks such as Coca-Cola. We describe it as effervescence (spelling)!"

I heard that word in a Alka Seltzer commercial too - so shall I compare it to drinking that?

G has been dragging me to Wine Tastings week after week at a local wine store that just opened.

She has the hots for the guy behind the bar - so we are there way too much. I go because the booze is FREE! I can't remember one bottle from the other - she sits there and "discusses" the region and the blend. I eat the snacks ( also free) and then try to get another (free) sip from the guy whose pouring.

G is too fancy for me sometimes. In her English accent she will ask what type of cheese I would like to accompany my bottle and I shrug and leave it up to her.

She says things like "This reminds me of when I was in the South of France on the Versailles de blah, blah, blah."

I reply.... "This is better that that Blue Nun crapola or have you ever tried Lancers?"

She giggles and shakes her head. Thinks I am being cute.

I come from a family that drank wine from VERY LARGE bottles of Rhine Wine. So at least it wasn't from the box (although I have purchased those before too).

So no - I'm not being cute. I'm being honest.

So why did I go to wine store where everyone was way too dressed up on a Saturday afternoon?

Because I will never own or buy a bottle of that stuff. I really wanted to see what the big hoopla was over buying the expensive stuff. Oh yeah - did I mention it was free?

I didn't understand why people bought these bottles and then Jean Claude or Francois or Pierre whatever would sign them.

He asked me - "So, would you like for me to sign my lowest priced bottle of swill?"

I looked at him and said "But I am gonna drink it. What do I want with an empty bottle? I recycle."

(Plus I just drank about $30 worth of the $170 bottle fooooorrrr FREE!!!!)

He looks at me like I am totally classless and says something in French to the man standing next to him. But he still is smiling.

Gotta love the French. Calling you a bad name in another language while taking your money.

But seriously - why would you buy it to look at it in your wine cubby? Do you put it on display in your house?

So - for those of you that wonder what your missing. Not much.

It was a blind taste test for the most part. Blind to me meaning... They didn't tell you which bottle was the most expensive one. I tried all 4 and said I enjoyed #2 the best. G (Ms Fancy Pants) agreed. We said we will take a bottle of that to share with the cheese.

At first she was absolutely mortified that we picked the cheapest bottle they had. Then she finally realized - so what - buy what you like.

We drank the whole thing and threw away the (unsigned) bottle in the recycling bin when we were done.

Happy St. Pattys Day

I am not Irish - but I sure am going to pretend to be tonight.

I will not be partaking in green beer.

That only makes for green pee which is slightly scary after a night of drinking.

I did that once with Blood Red Hurricanes in New Orleans.

I drank one too many and the panic of the thought that my stomach was coming out as I was vomiting it all up later that evening is a dreadful thought to bear while in a drunken haze.

Red and green belong on a flag.

Enjoy everyone.

Be safe.

Dont drink and drive and I will return with something funnier next week.

Life can't always be so depressing!

I keed..I keed

You know the puppet dog? He's a crass cigar chewing - hate spewing plastic hand puppet that seems to be in more videos that P. Diddy these days.

After he comments on the size of ones ample ass - or the amount of gel in their hair - he ends it with....

I keed - I keed.

Like after telling someone that the amount of fat they are carrying would feed a third world country of cannibals for a year.

But hey - I keed, I keed.

I don't think its funny when you have to tell the person you just slammed that you are only joking.

Because - actually, you are not joking you are telling someone the truth and after you have hurt their feelings then you want to seem like a nice guy - by saying....I'm kidding.

So everyone is supposed to laugh it off?

Oh - he didn't mean it.

Yes - he did.

Laughter at someone else expense isn't cool.

A comedian is cool when they can take their life experience (which are similar to most) and poke fun at themselves. We laugh because we have been there - done that.

But a nasty bastard that sits there and points out someone's flaws and pokes fun for a laugh?

I don't know - its just not funny to me.

I feel bad for the poor soul sitting there being laughed at.

Is it just me?

Bandito

Bandito was a pup when W found him. He was a scared mess under someone's car in Hialeah.

W had lost his dog in divorce a few years back and had just had a baby boy.

What a better thing than to have a little 'hairy' brother for your newborn son.

Bandito was a sweetie pie. When my dog L passed away I went into work to try to work thru my pain. Bandito knew I was sad and greeted me at the door - stayed close and was available for my hugs thru my tears.

Whenever W went away - we were the pet sitters from heaven - because Bandito knew that he could sleep with us and get on the couch. In return we got lots of love and a well behaved poochie.

My Mom has even watched Bandito when she visited. W and I would travel and W only trusted my family to make sure he was safe.

Saturday afternoon - during Bandito's brothers birthday party he saw a dog across the street.

B ran from the house and was hit by a car.

The driver didn't stop and left B on the side of the road to die.

W scooped B in his arms and rushed to the vet - but it was too late. Bandito died in his arms.

W's first call was too me. I knew as soon as I heard his cracking voice on the phone something terrible happened.

W wept as I sank on the kitchen floor and cried along with him on the phone.

Please hug your pets extra hard today. Make sure they stay close. And let them up on the bed.

You will miss them terribly when they are gone.

Warning

So the AMA came out with a statement to all young girls heading off to Spring Break.

Apparently - college girls take this time to binge drink and it leads to all kinds of things....

Risk of Pregnancy

STD's

Date Rape

No shit Sherlock?!? Really? Can this be true? How much money and time and effort was wasted for this moment of brilliance?

But hey - maybe one girl will hear this and keep her drinking down to a minimum and her legs shut.

At least make all these public service annoucements pay themselves off.

Unbelievable!

Survey

I cannot wait for my survey.

I stayed at the Hilton. Spent quite a few pennies for a room with a (partial) view.

I always thought the Hilton would be a little special - say compared to...Motel 6.

From the moment we dropped our car off at the front - I have some words to say.

The Management kept sending us little notes under our door.

"If we haven't exceeded your expectations - on a scale from 1 to 10 we want to know.

You will be getting a letter from the Hilton grading our establishment. Anything less than a 9 is unacceptable. Please let us know before you leave if we can do anything to make you happy! "

I thought about it as I called down to the front twice due to "problems" but - I want to talk to the Head Honcho.

I want to talk to Mr. Hilton!

Somehow - I think letting the folks at this Hilton know my gripes isn't going to change a thing - they will apologize and offer me a free cocktail.

I don't want a free drink - I want things to change!!!!

So being the frequent letter writer to the management - the City - the local paper - the teacher....I cannot wait!!!

Mr. Hilton...I will not stay at this particular Hilton again. I will not recommend that Hilton to any of my friends.

Paris would have totally disapproved....

BRING ON THE SURVEY!!!!

Is Jeter going to be there?

Like I have a shot at that!

"How about A -Rod?"

Don't know.....

Well - I am going to find out.

I am off to follow the NY YANKEES around town for a few days.

Maybe I will get a signature or two?

Maybe, they wil see me up in the stands - point at me - the point at the sky and then proceed to hit a HOME RUN!!!!

I know - only in my dreams.

I can dream can't I?

Happy Ash Wednesday

Do you greet a fellow Catholic like that?

Or... Hey - see you got smudged today?

As a girl, I was raised Catholic and attended church regularly. I love church. I find comfort in the arms of a pew. I feel totally at peace when I am there - hidden behind the stained glass of the icky world outside.

I don't go as regularly as I used to because of my own personal issues with the church.

It's not that I don't love God and that I have lost my faith - its that I have lost faith in the leaders of the church. A good Priest / Pastor or Reverend is hard to find. If I don't like you as a person - why would I want to hear you preach?

But then that brings us to what I miss... The holidays - celebrations - the RITUALS - the days that we go because on this day...Many years ago this MASSIVE event took place and we will relive it and try (although pitifully) to put ourselves in His shoes for a moment in time.

So millions of people around the world today - went to Church early. They are walking around with ashes on their forehead and will begin Lent.

Lent is a 40 day (supposed to be) fast.

But - most likely if you ask someone what they gave up for Lent they will give you stupid crap like...Diet Coke, Chocolate, Steak.

Somehow it has been transformed into a New Years Resolution Do- Over for 40 days. Then on Easter - we will hunt for eggs (Pagan) and go right back into drinking that Diet Coke because we are celebrating that Jesus has risen from the dead and we need to have a party.

For some reason I find this sad that the rituals are gone. I think the only person who truly does it right (the way that Lent is supposed to honored) is... I dunno...My Gramma and any person over 70?

Does anyone still uphold the - 'fish only' Friday?

Does anyone remember the Pomp and Circumstance when you were a kid getting your "First Communion" and getting that pretty bible. Learning the 'secret' prayer of the rosary? Lighting the prayer candle? Smelling the incense burning as the Priest swings the urn on his way to the Pulpit? Getting your Palm on Palm Sunday and trying to make it into the shape of a Cross to hang over your door? The sweaty palms you had because you knew you were the next one up in the Confessional?

How come that excitement goes away? How come these things have lost the 'awe' that they once had?

Is it me?

Or are you celebrating this holiday - The way it was meant to be done.