Gulp....

My Mother is coming to visit and she requested some items that she would like handy at the house for breakfast and snacks.

The list was specific and amusing - I shared it with all my friends and everyone got a giggle at her immense displeasure in possibly having to eat Jif creamy peanut butter. God forbid I only had red grapes available. Poor Mom would starve.

We discussed the possibility that she could crush the roasted peanuts on her list an add it to the creamy stuff - but after the threat of being pinched (on the soft part of your underarm with her mighty talons) I am afraid...Very afraid.

The needs for everything large and demands for more, more, more (accented in CAPITAL LETTERS) made me fear for my life.

Along with the pinching she has this evil eye and this dracula thing, with a slight curling of the lip that occurs when you make her angry.

Unlike my Dads mighty pulsing forehead vein and expanding neck muscles - she slowly stares you down until you are on your back, urinating on yourself whimpering in fear.

She made mention that she knows how to cook but doesn't have to as my Father always prepares her meals. So - I call my Dad and ask him what she knows how to cook so that while I was purchasing her requested items I could get everything in one shot.

He thought about it for a moment and hummed and hawed really trying to be PC and then blamed my J for being a difficult eater and how it was going to be hard to say.

Me thinks, he was covering for her by blaming J so that he didn't have to suffer the pinching torture as described above.

Me thinks, she was sitting very close by and he felt the heat of her powerful stare on the back of his neck and decided that the best thing to do was blame a helpless child to save himself.

I can't blame you Daddy. We all understand.

So, in the end I bought a lot of chicken. Sliced, cutlets, breasts and fingers. A couple bags o'salad and a thing of dressing.

Along with corn (not flour tortilla) and a few Diet PepsiCo.

I am sure Queen Nee Nee and Princess J will be fine.

I am also going to leave the takeout menus out...Just in case.

Published

I was pleasantly surprised that a little hometown paper published my letter to the editor the other day.

I had to swear to some that it was me as I signed the letter Anon.

I am glad I did as the editor pointed out that she had more hate mail in her inbox than ever and it seems I was the one of the two that wrote letters of agreement.

Sadly - the replies she received were a lot of name calling - but on the other hand - I knew this was a heated issue in the hood and I was afraid of retaliation of flaming dog crap on my stoop.

But - my words and wittiness were noted and I was published.

The long and short of the story is a building that was built in the 40's (historical in mind of my neighbors) is being demolished to make room for a condo. If the building looked anything like it did in the 40's maybe I would agree. But after years of modification its just a rundown and empty storefront.

I say knock it down!!! I am all for progress.

Last time I was published with my name in the byline was in high school. I wrote for the school paper. My beat was fluffy stuff. I didn't care - it gave me an opportunity to wander the halls and go to plays. I was press.

The best part of being published is that the Editor fixes what you give them. I know my grammar is subpar and I cannot construct a sentence to save my life.

So - since I have been published once - I now have the bug. I will read her column next month and hope to have something to comment on.

Anon

Making It up to me....

A few posts back I wished death and cancer on a few people.

I would like to retract that statement for a few individuals (not all) at this time.

I have the worlds worst contractor. Horrible - terrible - shit!

I do have a great cabinet staff and granite folk - even the appliance people got back into my good graces.

The contractor - which includes the plumber, the electrician and the kid whose very messy with the concrete. We got your number.

You will never pass inspection.

I will be there tommarrow -

I will point out your crap.

I will report you to the BBB.

I hate you - now and forever.

Water

Last night I came home to water. Water in the kitchen. A blessed event.

Today...electric? I will not hold my breath - but I pray.

I have closet lady visit today. She always makes me smile. She is a professional.

A/C on Thursday and floor man on Wednesday night.

I can only hope this is the last week.

So close but yet so far - with a page of "to do" still sitting on my counter.

Paint man never returned our call. Figures - yet I am still amazed.

I scratch my head at the money to be made and the lack of help available.

Maybe I should let the bum that knocked on my door the other day finish everything up.

He doesnt seem to have anything better to do.

Countdown.....

After a weekend of scrubbing and mopping and dusting we seem to be in the final home stretch.

The kitchen actually resembles a kitchen - the living room is actually a place that you can live.

I spent all weekend trying to get it together - I actually made a cuppa coffee this morning and opened up a fridge instead of my cooler in the tub.

I washed everything this weekend - never thought I would be so excited to do a load of laundry.

I still dont have a sink - or electricity in half the house - but I am feeling the countdown a comin'.
My J went to visit my parents this weekend and she is being fed my favorites ( I think someone is doing that on purpose).

I really wish I could be there with her. (Heavy sigh)

Ooommmmmm...

As I try to escape from the hell that is my home I have started to take a Pilates class.

I try to go twice a week - any more than that would work into my drinking schedule.

It makes me feel better. If anything - I am exhausted when I leave an I go home and go to sleep.

I watched a private class yesterday and I really want to try the machine.

Problem is its way out of my realm of expense. This is a tiny studio - my two classes run me $20 a week but its a small class - 3 folks max. The machine class is private and runs $60 a session - or 10 sessions for 600 smackers. I would love to try the machine which looks very masochist but I think I will pass.

Oh well.

I was a member of one of those 30 minute circuit things - I hated it. I felt stupid and foolish listening to the "Simon Says" tape.

I like the sound of whales mating and sniffing incense in candlelight all whilst breathing like I am about to give birth to my barren uterus.

One of my Pilates partners sounds like she's in the midst of orgasm and there is a small oriental lady who farts a lot during the bending postures.

With entertainment like this no wonder I go.

AARRGGHH!

Ok - I never wanted to make this a place where I rant and rave about stupidity.

But - contractors and renovation houses and marble joints and appliance folks...

I can see why Home Depot and Lowes do so well - people would rather do it themselves instead of dealing with idiots like you!

I would fire the whole lot of you! You useless bags of crap!

You charge an arm and a leg and then people are in a hold pattern for...ever!

I hate you all - wish you death. Wish you agony and pain in your lives.

When you go home tonight and sit in your easy chairs and sit and watch TV - I hope you choke on your popcorn and shit your pants and then when the ambulance comes they get caught by a train and you suffer a slow death in front of your wife of 20 something years.

Karmas a bitch.

One more week

On the homefront - it looks like the timeline is one week and counting.

I really wanted to get away before J started school in a few weeks - so they better hurry - times a wasting.

I figure I cannot leave HB in the house the way it stands. He will shoot himself if I am not there constantly saying..."Oh - its looking better and better everyday!"

I am flying my Mom into town - and sadly I wont be visiting with her I am off to a convention that I attend yearly. HB is not coming with me this year - so I am on my own, in a strange town. But - I hear they have casinos and I am polishing up my blackjack skills.

Also - they are very close to Tijuana. Heard its a hole - but - I think its worth a looksee.

HB will be setting up his son M in college and J will have just started school.

I should have a working kitchen by then - so at least they won't have to live out of the tub while I am gone.

Mom will keep it all together for me. I am glad that she agreed to come. Thank you Momma.

I will start a countdown and let you know if all happens the way I planned.

Or - I will be grounded like the space shuttle - and not very happy.

I am a roach

I work with a roach.

This roach said he had a dog. I accepted it and waited all weekend. Today - I have no dog.

I walked into excuses and why the dogs no longer available.

I expected it. He's a liar and a loser.

He said "Please don't hate me"

Not more than I already do.

Not more than I already do.