OUT

Gone to the land of Ice and Ire.

Will be back next week.

Maybe I will me a hottie Viking and never return.

But - my Mom would be really mad because now she is here taking care of J.

I will return......

xoxoxoxox

Bye Yall!

I made Britney fall

Britney Spears fallen from grace popstar.

I love tabloid blogs - I cannot wait to see what new thing has happened to her and her family.

She seemed to be this Princess that could do nothing to tarnish or shame her career....Then she got married.

She married Kevin Federline and they taped Chaotic for the whole world to see a peek into ..Her reality.

It sucked and it was disturbing and I know how it ended....

Sean Preston.

Since then we haven't heard a peep from Brit. She has stayed quite low and her hubby has been trying to make a record.

But - the papers that I read follow her constantly. She doesn't have a new album. I think just recently she started hawking some perfume but other than that...you see pics of her and Sean Preston walking the streets of whatever town they are in.

She has been filmed driving with him in the front seat on her lap. Child welfare was called when her baby fell from a high chair and a new photo with the baby in the backseat of the car sleeping and slumped over in his chair caused outrage.

Questions over Brits parenting skills. What a horrible Mom they scream.

I just read an article about her changing his diaper at the table of a restaurant and people where in arms.....You can't do that...They yell.

The girl is trying to go from her to there. Photogs are swarming her. Her most recent fumble was when she was trying to walk and carry the baby yesterday and was walking thru the crowd and almost fell with the baby in arms.

He response was now she realized why she needed a gun. Then she cried.

The picture of the tears running down her face made me realize that they are chasing her for me. For me and many others like me who want to see how much more White Trashier she could become.

My J fell from a couch and I didn't own a rear facing child seat. I never fell with her in my arms - but I have stumbled as I am sure many other Mom's can attest to.

I have never been chased by photogs every minute of everyday and if I was I would probably get the "Worst Mom of the Year Award" for picking up a dirty pacificer and sticking back in J's mouth to quiet her down (I figured it was ok after she ate dirt that one time in the park with no ill effect).

My brother used to lay in the wheel well when he was a baby. I can't remember wearing a seat belt and the sharp edges...Well, they gave me scars that now are followed by a great story.

I can't believe we survived. Can you?

Point is...I feel bad because she's just trying to go thru her day and at least she's hanging out with her kid and I am the reason she cried.

Because I needed to see that picture.

Sorry Brit.

You know who you are...

You ever wonder who reads your stuff?

I made a call out not long ago (while sipping martinis alone and feeling bad for myself) for someone - anyone to reach out and say hello.

Because of the guilt I made people feel -I got a few new blogs that I can read. (Thank you ladies!)

So then I got a super secret device that lets me know exactly how many people kinda like me so I don't have to keep begging you to be my friend and read my blog. God - I am a loser!

(Me: "Gee- let me see who loves me today - Click - Click - Click")

Every since I added the secret device I love seeing who pops in and out.

I am an exhibitionist at heart. So that people are coming in and reading my stuff is exciting and scary all at the same time!

My hearts a' racing and I think I am in love with you.

That or I am really bored and I have nothing else to do other than see how many times you will visit and how long you will stay.

I am watching you watch me.

Grooowwwlll! (Ok, I know that's too much info - sorry Mom)

The problem with the counter is you don't know who is visiting. You don't know their name or their blog address.

So you cant watch them back.

I watch Kitty all the time. She loves it too. She's kinky like that.

So poke in..Say hi....I will buy you a drink. Name your poison . I am partial to Vodka myself.

(Everytime I say that I think of a older woman who has smoked and drank one too many bellying up to the bar. In her sexiest smoke filled voice ... "Voooodka. Straight. Leave the bottle.")

Wait

Do I REALLY want to know?

Sad to go...

Well, in a few days I will be on a jet plane again visiting lands afar.

Long flights and a bunch of downtime due to vacation days for my clients thrown in the middle of my visit.

My hope is that they take pity on the girl sitting in her hotel room in a strange land with nothing to do.

Worse case...I will get in my rental and drive around and find something to do. It's whale watching season there - I may need to buy some Dramamine - but it may be an opportunity of a lifetime.

They said this is the best time to visit - I have been checking the weather - its 40 degrees and raining. I guess this is as good as it gets. I bought a raincoat with lining last weekend.

I hate traveling - I hate flying. I hate being away from everyone and I will miss them all terribly.

But then again...A few days away will make me appreciate the circus of my homelife.

Traveling with PMS....This is gonna be a hoot.

It's raining...

In my house.

It's also raining in my Gramma's house.

Wilma came thru here last year. We are in line for a new roof. I think we will finally get it during the middle of Hurricane season.

Gramma is in the middle of her roof being fixed. But since the permit guys haven't come by to sign off on the work (its been a month) she only has wood covering her prized possessions.

My leak is controllable. Its pouring into my daughter's bedroom. A well placed bucket and towel will do the trick.

Gramma is not so lucky.

It's supposed to rain again today. Hard! Like yesterday - three feet - hail and lightning.

The news finds the worse devastation and shows the airport with torn metal roof and the cars in the parking lot smashed by debris. This is not going to be good.

Streets are flooded and my boss got out of his neighborhood by raft to his car parked down the road.

This happens in Florida. During the summer about 3 o clock we get downpours. Serious rain. But then it is supposed to go away until the next day.

I miss the rain when its gone - but hate it when its here.

Rain - rain go away..come again some other day.

I broke tradition...

But it was for a good cause. I needed to go to the beach and enjoy the day that is about me. Me because I am a Mom. Me - because I got my daughter to go and had the power to make her hang out with me because it was MY DAY!

So - I will make up tradition a day later. Tonight in fact. But - I got the tone in the voice that said..."I am really disappointed because your breaking tradition" but it's not like I forgot and it's not like I won't be just as charming as I usually am.

I really wanted a day for me. Is that so wrong? So why do I feel guilty!

Well - if you are a Mom hopefully you went without guilt and did something just for you and if you did something for your Mom... I hope it was spectacular and you enjoyed it to the fullest!

Mom's Rule!

PPG

I am a huge advocate of CPW (cost per wear).

Sometimes when your ass is as big as mine you must buy what fits. Sometimes what fits is a little pricey. But if you factor CPW in the actual cost those pants that were originally $150.00 work out to a fraction if you live in them.

You have heard the saying...Best investment I ever made. I have a pair of jeans like that.

I also have some $10 tees that are now in the pennies of CPW. It all works out in the end.

This doesn't work when you impulse buy and then you have money hanging in the closet.

I have a pair of shoes like that. They were cute in the store and very trendy. But they match with NOTHING! So - the CPW on them is still the same because they have yet to be worn.

So - lets move on to PPG (price per gallon). I am now paying $3.17 a gallon for gas. It cost $40.00 to fill up my ride. It doesn't hurt me too bad because I don't travel too far. I have had my car for almost two years and haven't hit the 16k mile yet.

But I hear all the whining about it. My gf G - drives a SUV. It cost her over $60 and she travels more so she's dishing out a lot more than I am. But - I have no pity for her for numerous reasons.

First off - she owns a SUV. Second - the girl has no problems paying for booze and third - she shops like a fiend 'to fill the void within' (saw that on a t-shirt).

So I saw on the news the other day how much things we use in our everyday life cost (PPG).
This is what I found.

Price per gallon:

Chanel No. 5 perfume: $45, 056
Revlon Nail Enamel: $983.04
Visine Advanced Eye Drops: $741.12
Vicks 44D Cough Syrup: $96.67
Coppertone SPF 45 sun-block lotion: $90.11
Pepto-Bismol: $58.52
Evian bottled water: $21.19
Latte at Starbucks coffee (tax included): $22.28
Corona beer: $12.89
Snapple: $10.32
Tide liquid detergent: $8.39
Diet Coca-Cola: $2.64

I have highlighted the things I use regularly if not daily. I want to point out the cost of bottled water. Tap water is valued at a fraction of a penny - but people but bottled water because they prefer the taste.

I prefer to drive than walk.

If you ask me - a fuel that gets me from here to there or from there to here is pretty cheap considering.

We need to think of that when we bitch about the cost of gas.

Say what?!?

Ok - it was a night of surprises again on AI.

I thought for sure Elliot or Kat was going home.

Elliot ended up being top two and Kat was third.

So with Mr. Hicks squarely in the numbero uno spot - that left someone that no one would ever think would be heading home.

Chris D. Bald headed rockstar and step-daddy to two said adios last night.

Can you believe it?!?

Wow......Where is Americas vote heading...?

Pain

I haven't felt so much pain since I passed a kid from my cookie- coo 15 years ago.

I dropped something on my toe last night - I think I cracked the nail. Its blue and is throbbing.

I am so gonna lose the nail. I know I am. That is disgusting.

What if they have to amputate?

So as J is bringing me a bag of ice, while I am agony on the floor, she is trying to calm me down by telling me a story about her friend.

Apparently - her friend kicked something and lost the nail.

The girl not wanting to let anyone know - painted toenail polish over the skin.

I didn't know whether to laugh or hurl.

I get grossed out by things.

J had to pull her own teeth and the sound or sight of things makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

If my toenail falls off I am going to be beside myself.

It makes me think of "The Fly" the remake.

Remember when Jeff Goldblum was transforming into the fly? He sat there and pulled off his nails one by one?

Aaaacccccckkkkk!

I am gonna need some serious meds (meds - see alcohol) for this one.

Going to the birds

Moochie has now learned how to lure the birds from the trees.

And a few doves have fallen prey.

I saved the first one. Running after his fresh catch and screaming like a crazy woman.

"LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dove was grateful and flew away quickly. I am taking that to mean it will survive another day.

But last night - Mooch had another in her mouth - it was too late for me to save it.

She proceeded to pluck it and dismember it and I had pieces of it by the back door this morning to greet me.

Moochies food dish (which lures the birds down) remained empty this morning. I cannot be part of the birdie massacre that is taking place in my yard.

HB says its the circle of life. Shit happens.

I say... I am not going to to be an enabler for the bird slayings.

HB says its thinning of the herd. The weak and the slow.

I say this isn't animal kingdom and Mooch isn't a lion hunting gazelle.

She's as bad as those hunters that feed the deer all year to fatten them up and that first day of deer season when Bambi comes to eat gets a head full of lead.

I am torn about Moochies residence in the yard.

I have to figure out a way to stop the madness!

Hola

Happy Cinco De Mayo my friends!

Today, as with St Pattys day has nothing to do with me.

I wasn't then Irish and I am not Mexican today.

But - who the hell cares! I can always pretend.

Which reminds me...Its very cool to be ethnic today. People have to reach far back into their breeding pool to say they are 100 percent anything or 50 percent.

I think my gene pool has been tainted so many times by different breeds I am sure that I can pull something out of my butt for any occasion...To drink!

So today we will make a toast to the lovely brew called....Tequila. Also known as 'to kill ya'!

Please stay away from the bottle with the cartoon panchito on the front. That's rotgut and if you do drink it stay home, near the bed, toilet or bucket or trashcan. It will come back up on you. Oh - and don't mix Chinese food with it either. Its not a good thing. I know these things and I tell you only because I love you all dearly and I think you will thank me in the morning.

I did get married on this day in 1990. Divorced in 99. Maybe - I will make a toast to The AH tonight. He did give me a pretty girl to deal with day in and day out. Who makes my hair grey by the day. The girl that gives my worry lines and makes me smoke too much when she's running late and not picking up her phone. The one....

Hell - I need a drink.

Adios and remember....

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!

Presents

I love presents.

HB left town this weekend and brought me back a present. A couple of weeks ago - same thing.

They're not big presents, a t-shirt or a candle holder that I had admired in a magazine.

But now my animal kingdom is leaving me presents. Not just a pile of doo. Those little presents are not wanted but regretfully a necessity.

They are bringing me dead animals.

Mooch always leaves a dead lizard around and she has also brought me the lovely remains of a rat. Right by the back door. An offering to the Goddess that feeds her (me).

Very sweet. Thanks for keeping up on that stuff girlie.

"HB....I got something for you to throw away!!!" I bellow from the back door.

Yesterday though was the worst present.

A mauled iguana. Thiiiiissss biiigggg! Dangling from her hairy lips. It had been dead a day or two already. I don't know if it dies of natural causes or from my ferocious hunter of prey.

She dropped it when I walked out and ran to her feeding perch.

Spike found it. Grabbed it and flipped it in the air a few times.

"Eww.Eww.Eww.Ewwwwwwww" I am dancing around the yard like there are hot coals under my feet.

"SPIKKKKKEEEE - Stop - drop it!"

He now thinks its a game and grabs it and runs.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! It's caca!" Like he would instantly drop it. (He eats cat shit!)

Moochie then comes down and saves the day. Spike is in love, so prances over to his feline lover.

I take the cat food container and place it over the deceased....reptile.

I grab the water bowl and fill it up.

I have to get them to wash their mouths out.

They oblige happily.

HB comes home a little later and notices the container in the yard.

"What's that doing out there?" he says.

"I got a little present for you!"

Cat-dog love

Spike and Moochie are totally grossing me out.

Don't they know the rules?

Cat and dogs are not supposed to get along. Dogs are supposed to bark and cats are supposed to run.

My furry friends have found love. That's right I said it...L-O-V-E!

She waits for him every morning. He can't get out the door quick enough to greet her.

They do this stand up and hug thing and then she saunters to her food dish while he circles her in excitement.

At night as she lays in the grass he stands and barks at her with his ball at his feet.

"Play with me!" he seems to be saying.

She lifts her head and like the Pepe LePew cat from Looney Toons....."Le Mew" and she stretches out like she calling for him.

Last night he groomed her as she layed there... "Le Mew" she sighed.

J asked me if a dog could get a cat knocked up. I said no. But then again, stranger things have happened.

Its just very disturbing to see cat-dog love in action.

They really need to get a room.

Yuck!

We will..

Always have Paris. (Or not)

Well - AI fans have voted off young Ms. Paris.

This is getting good. Voting on my fave shows is throwing me for a loop. I like Elliot's voice - I just can't look at him. Video killed the radio star type of thing.

Last night on ANTM same thing...Feronda got the shaft too...I was totally expecting Jade to say farewell.

I have no clue where next week will bring us folks - the American public is a fickle bunch.

I need to put my thinking cap on for this one before I make any more calls.

I would have lost some money if I bet on this one.

Unbelievable.

Cleaning out the closet

Had a decent weekend. Ran to the airport twice dropping of and picking up folks that needed to go here and there.

Bought a banana plant and I am burying a pineapple top that I have been rooting. Hoping to get some fruit...One day. Florida authorities will cut down any citrus plants if they spot them in your yard. No word - no asking. One day you come home and your tree is gone. So - I went the safe route. Maybe I will own a plantation on day and be as big as Dole or Chichita.

J fried herself again at the beach. Now is suffering from the chills and soreness. She thought the Tanning Amplifier would give her a golden bronze tan. No SPF - nothing. Blisters are in her future.

I don't know why she doesn't listen as I preach SPF needs and as I bitch about my sun freckles now having to be inspected by a skin doctor.

HB is off moving his son into a Frat house and I decided it would be a great time to clean out our bulging closet.

HB is a pack rat of sorts. He never throws anything away. I decided that I would go thru his closet and if I haven't seen it on him in the past year - it will get ditched.

Mounds of out of date shirts. Too small jeans and khakis and a few suits that would rip if he ever tried to put them on.

His closet is still packed but - there is now enough room for the clothes to breathe and a seek and find mission won't bring out a shirt that needs be ironed even though its still in the drycleaning bag.

He knows I went thru his closet and I tied them up tight so that he doesn't have an opportunity to dig out something he "might" wear in the next few years.

I picked thru my closet but because I am not quite the clothes whore he is I only had a few things to add to the bag. I did keep a pair of jeans that don't fit - ones that I would really like to fit into again.

I keep my skinny jeans on hand - just in case. I looked damn good in them and if one day I ever get down to a 10 again - I will put them on with pride.


Maybe I should step away from the dessert tray?