Friday, July 29, 2005

Thoughts on Geeks...

In the bedroom.

Usually as little girls we dream of Prince Charming. The handsome man that arrives at your door or by chariot to sweep you away to your castle in some fantastic land.

Well, as we wait like Rapunzel - gently brushing our hair hundreds of times for that perfect sheen that only a Prince would appreciate we "settle" and go out and find other types of male company.

But on the other hand, little girls are always looking sideways at that bad boy. The one that wears the black hat in the movies.

Though we whine how annoying they are and how we hate it when they throw rocks at us when we pass. But we know that deep down inside they like us too. But they never have to do anything to impress us. They just are.

They are usually cute and scruffy and need a little female touch. We look at them like little puppies and when they piss on the carpet we swat them on the nose but end up kissing them a few minutes later and telling them what good boys they are.

They never try - we don't expect them to. They look good on "our" arms - an we are the envy of the 'hood. Until they grow old, fat, bald...You get the idea.

Sex with a bad boy is better for him than it is for you. He only cares about himself and how he looked doing it. He doesn't have to try very hard because there is another stupid broad hoping that he will look her way. She will eagerly step up the "amour" plate only to be disappointed like all the rest.

People always wonder why those good looking, studly guys are single.

Now geeks. While girls were letting bad boys in their panties - the geek was dreaming about being in their panties.

Now- the equation equals to....Boys + daydreaming = Playing with ones self.

Geeks generally are late bloomers in the nookie category - so they have become pros at 'spanking the monkey'.

Because geeks become so good at it - their are many perks that go along with it.

Geeks appreciate when they finally catch a girls attention. It's usually after a bad breakup with the Bad Boy. All of a sudden the geek that you dismissed as 'friend' is sitting there and has the most kissable lips ever!!!

Or - he could be getting really excited about discussing the latest Star Trek flick and that twinkle in his eye suddenly makes you want to jump his bones!

When they finally have an opportunity to be naked with a real girl they realize that this opportunity may not come again for months - even years. They are gonna take advantage of all the knowledge that they have acquired from years of preparing for this very moment .

They will be patient and kind. They will ask questions to make sure they get the right answer. They will take their time on a woman to explore every inch and will appreciate everything....They will remember it all.

They also are willing to do anything. They are the best partners to try something new with.
Remember - this is an opportunity of a lifetime.

Once they do "have" you. You look at geeks totally differently.

Remember when your Mom said try for the golf team? And it was full of geeks? Those geeks now play golf with some of the richest VP's in town. That computer geek - he owns Microsoft.
The one that was always making copies of cassettes and selling them for a buck. He owns Napster.

Rock stars are never cool bad boys. If you ever listen to them talk they are intelligent and probably have read a book or two. The write poetry which they turn into lyrics for a great song.
They were in the band. Remember the line about band camp? They are crazy!!!!

Now most of them are broke, starving artists. But - why do they always have hot chicks on their arms.....

Because they are.....

Geeks

Friday, July 22, 2005

Show update

I just left my review of BB6 on my Mom's blog. Not a fan.

Shows that have recently caught my attention.

Once again - The INXS show. Good performers - great song choices.

Yes, its cheese - but I like it.

Beauty and The Geek. Never been one for this type of show.

I watched Batchlorette and Batchelor - like never.

Although I was a fan of The Tiniest Groom (a little person dating show) and the one show where that pretty blond brought that gross guy home and had to pretend they were going to get married (cant remember the name). But this is great - These hottie pretty boys have come into the house and acted like bores and fools. I love Geeks!!! (I have a theory about geeks in the bedroom too - but a different story for a different day).

WHAT ELSE.....

I have always been a fan of home improvement shows - but Trading Spaces now bores me.

New show...Clean House. The host is the woman who plays a cop on Reno 911 (another great show). She's a great host. She can get anyone to part with anything. Maybe I can have her come over and talk to HB about his plastic cup collection.

I also like How Do I Look. A show where three people you love tell you that you look like crap - burn and rip your clothes and make you over by the end of the show.

I tried to watch Inked - fell asleep.

Blow Out - that guy is odd - but I watch the marathons.

AND....There's a new show about dancing....kind of American Idol meets Fame.

OOOOOOOOO.....

A great Train Wreck....Being Bobby Brown! Who knew.... Watch it people. Even if you have to peek thru your fingers. Whitney Houston like you've never imagined. Amazing!

Another show that I never watched that I have started watching - they are probably reruns - but I really like it......CSI.

Finding stuff out about dead people - pretty neat. I would do that as long as I didn't have to touch the dead people. Or see them. Well - I guess that's not the line of work for me.

Thats it for my show review.

I am always open to hearing what I am missing on the Boob Tube. So keep me posted.

So many channels - so little time!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

HB took over.

So on my last post I told you how everything seemed to be moving along.

Then everything came to a screeching halt.

So - HB took over.

We have lovely cabinets up but I have a wall of empty sockets and a living room full of appliances.

HB can handle it. I have noticed a change in his demeanor over the past week. I think he is very tired watching and waiting. Today he took Mr. Contractor by the balls and voiced his concern.

I am sure HB will do just fine.

Friday, July 15, 2005

What a difference...

A day makes.

I should start posting pictures. A pic collage of me - one where I am smiling - then crying - then yelling another smiling and possibly one more crying.

I cannot tell you - how much better I feel today. I actually see a light (a little one) at the end of this tunnel.

This project - two weeks into it - actually looks like something today. I cannot believe it !!!

I am a very visual thinker. Some people can explain something and unless I see a picture - I can't see it. This is so true in many ways.

I am so visual that when left up to my own imagination...The sky is falling and I will be raped and killed at the end of the story.

Today - I actually see progress. I can see where they are going with this huge mess in my home.

J's coming home on Sunday (doing the Louie Dance). I have been making her room a storeroom. I am gonna have to move it because this is not a comfortable place to be 24-7 like she will be for the next two weeks of the project. It should be ok because HB's girl - E will be gone for two weeks venturing the word with her Mom (Another story for another day about the amount of alimony one person should be allotted).

Thank God for tomorrows!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Miserable

I am totally miserable.

My house is a disgusting dust bucket. Today I am truly assigned to my room as the electric only seems to work in here.

The bathroom sink is grimy and I miss my J!!!!!!

I told J that she could come home - but warned her of the mess. I haven't heard from her and I tried to call her today to be totally blown off.

Things are supposed to get a bit better tomorrow - I hope.

J may come home on Sunday - but we don't know yet.

Today is an awful day.

Miserable.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Your a bitch

No one ever said the teen years are easy.

I know that every single grey hair that is on my parents head is from me. My brother was either a saint or they were too tired to deal with him after I left the house.

My J is visiting with...THE AH!!!!! We all know that he is a very mean man. His verbal abuse is never ending. Yes - it may be curbed for a day or two...But eventually...He vomits his anger and hatred to the world and stings a few souls along the way.

He still gets under my skin. He really gets under my skin when his venom is towards our offspring.

J is no saint - J is no angel. She is spoiled and vain and probably been coddled way to much. HB says that I overdo it at time to try to make up for the hurt she is constantly in due to him.

She's been an only for a while and prefers it that way. Slowly, she is learning that they world cannot revolve around her. Sometimes some new folks come into the mix and you must learn to deal.

The person that I can only deal with in small spurts is The AH.

She has taken on the task of visiting for a week or (gulp) two. I thought things were going well and I was pushing for three - until last night.

I want to preface this by saying - somehow both her and I always hope things will be better than the last. She just wants Daddy's love. Really wants to be accepted by him.

He was in rare form. He called my J a bitch. I heard him loud and clear. The bitch part came after his constant harassing while I was on the phone with her last night. The voice got louder, the stuff he was pulling from his ass was getting meaner and when he finally got her attention - he called her a bitch.

J proceeded to put on her shoes and walk out of his apartment.

J is in a strange city. J is quite melodramatic. In her world she was going to find a payphone and call me. Her Dad runs after her - she's pretty much lost in his complex and returns like nothing happened.

I tell her not to pull stupid stunts like that - I tell him to stop calling her names.

Is it any wonder why I will go home tonight and possibly tie one on?

HB says I speak to them both as children. I hang up vowing not to get in the middle.

"HEY - AH, WELCOME TO MY LIFE!"

Your the bitch!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I have the flu...

I really don't have the flu - but I just read another noseworthy report about Brad Pitt checking himself into the hospital today due to some flu like symptoms.

Let's not mention that he was just in a third world country picking up his Love Child with Ms. Jolie.

But it strikes me funny.

Lindsey Lohan, while filming Herbie Fully Loaded, also became ill and checked herself into a hospital - where she apparently lost her ample bosom and about 20 lbs.

When I have the flu - I don't go to the hospital. I lay in my bed - close to a bucket and the toilet and the Nyquil.

Are they not really sick? Are they going for rest? What are they doing?

Who get's checked into the hospital for the flu?!?

My Mom always said you don't go to the hospital unless it's an emergency - only really sick people are there and they need the beds for them.

I don't get it.

Somehow - I think if I walked up to Memorial Regional they would laugh at me if I told them I wanted to be checked in - because I had the flu.

To be a star......

***Speaking of being a star...A rock star...Check out INXS trying to find their lead singer - on again tonight.

Some really good talent and great songs. Plus you get to look at that sexy beyatch Mr. Navarro (Carmen's Hubby) ****

Monday, July 11, 2005

A nose for clothes

During my reno I have two things that I am doing.

One is living out of the bathtub. Everyday I stop by Big Daddy's Booze Shop and get a bag o' ice a two liter bottle of water. I think of the booze of the evening that will go good with pizza, Chinese food or Arby's. I have a styro cooler in the tub and fill it up when I get home and empty the melted cubes every morning.

The second is wash and fold. Wash and fold is a service that the local coin laundry offers. I don't want to sit amongst the freaks of the 'hood. I really don't want to sit there when it was recently voted "Best Place to go when you want to see how the underlife live," in our recent Best of the Hood rag mag.

But - for fifty cents a pound - I can give it to a very hairy, toothless woman in a moo-moo and she will wash it and fold it for me. To be picked up as quickly as it is to be dropped off.

Now - never having done this I wasn't really sure if I should put the clothes in a plastic bag or bring the huge ass load laundry bin of stinky clothes HB and I have made.

I chose to bring the bin - because when they get folded - I would prefer they stay that way and a plastic bag wouldn't work.

Well - I notice carrying them from the car HB tighty whiteys - I try to stuff them down the sides. I also notice a rancid smell of eau du phoneman. That smell is the musky smell of man and his stinky pits. I know in the pile is my stinky underwear too - all this funk reminds me that we worked all last week without air conditioning. Poor laundry lady.

So -because you pay by the pound she brings out a little bathroom scale. You plop your load down and she has to bend over to lock it in position so she can get the proper weight.

As she is bending over - I notice she's heading face first into our pile of stinky clothes. She hovers over it a few seconds because she's trying to find the locking mechanism below the mountain.

Peeeeyeewwwwww. Yet - she didn't flinch.

The woman has a nose for clothes.

1 year.....

I almost let the date get away from me.

The 8th of last year was my very first post.

Usually on a date to remember I would treat myself to something special.

Like my birthday. Its more like birthmonth as I stretch the parties, celebrations and presents out all month long. Because it's all about me you see.

So in the past year - I have told you about my J and HB. Told a few funnies about my folks and poked fun at my brother (with love - as only a sister would do).

You have read about my love of Starbucks, smoking and booze. My knack for being lazy and loathing my fat ass. You listened while I critiqued my fave reality shows and possibly had a giggle or two when I ranted about hood.

I promise to keep writing and thinking of things that will maybe lighten up your day.

I will keep on sharing stories like the one I had today. I have another one coming up.

Let me preface the next story by saying - I am glad there are people in the world who will do those jobs no one wants to. I will gladly pay them for it too.

I shall celebrate this day with a Starbucks Iced coffee on the way home. I will have a brief cig while mixing a vodka and cranberry for the night. I will think of all of you while I watch the reruns of VH1's Surreal Life and make a toast to you all.

We will see

In Mom speak - "We will see" - usually means no.

It gives the asker of the question an answer - but it's not really an answer when you think about it.

It's a phrase that puts off the question until the answerer is pressed and then the answer generally turns out to be - "No".

In the world of contractors - they say "We will see" a lot. Because I am a Mom - I know that later on when I ask the same question he will say "No".

8:00 am - "Is the plumber showing up today? "

8:01 am - " We will see...."

Later that day......

5:00 pm - "Did the plumber show up?"

5:01 pm - "No."

So far in my world of remodeling - I have had a crew show up one day. Then disapear for two - just to show up in full force on the third day and then have them complain that there are too many people in the space for them to work.

I was told someone would show up on Saturday - then waited around until I was advised that they decided to come back on Monday.

It is now Monday and half the crew did show up - but that darn plumber....well, "We will see".

They are on a time crunch this week. There is a crew showing up on Thursday. The contractors work must be done by then or I must wait an additional two weeks.

I am now in motion for starting little fires under peoples asses. I wonder if that will work. "We will see".

On another side story of the groups of men in my house - I have decided that maybe they have visited Mexico.

In Mexico - there are signs everywhere - do no put toilet paper in the toilet - please use the sidecan.

It's a disgusting thought and as Americans we did so accordingly when we did the the Number 1. But - we couldn't bring ourselves to doing it for Number 2. We hoped for the best and flushed our poo and poo paper - crossing our fingers that it wouldnt clog. Mortified that then we would be caught for not reading and obeying the signs.

This weekend, I decided a little picking up was needed and I went around the house and straightened things up. Grabbed a garbage bag and started throwing out things that needed to go. A strange smell was coming from the bathroom area - but I assumed it was our Pig and cleaned out his cage. Then I went into the bathroom to clean the can out in there.

(Queasy stomachs may want to pass the next passage) I removed the lid to the trashcan and was greeted by someones poop rags. Yes! Someone actually wiped their ass and instead of putting it in the toilet and flushing it away into Neverland - they left me a present. I gagged and dumped the present into the large garbage bag. Can you believe it?!? Gross ass men - I swear.

I now have a permant image of said poop rag and - I need sometime to venture into the can again.

HB suggested that I leave a note as the Mexicans did for us, but this time it would say:

"If you wipe your ass - please use the toilet for which it was intended - FLUSH IT ALL!"

I don't know if that will work.

We will see.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Checking in

Got back from vacation. Mexico is hot and buggy. It is home to huge lizards and a pretty beach. The place we stayed was nice - no air conditioning and I had to sleep on a very hard cot since I was a third in a room (nice of those girls to maybe trade off one night).

HB moved in this weekend. I have my period and a cold. I think Monday was the first time that I actually yelled at him and had a little tear run down my check from the sheer exhaustion of it all. (Bet he's glad he picked this week to move in).

J got on a plane Sunday to go visit her father. As I mentioned before I have my period - so the farewell was a teary and snotty one (where is my fathers sleeve when you need it)

Yesterday they proceed to gut my kitchen. I now have two issues that I didn't know were going to be issues at the time. So - I can hear the ching-chinging ringing in my head. The ceiling is open and exposed in some areas and it creeps me out. (I feel lizard hunting in my future)

Thats the short version - but I wanted to let you all in on my moving and shaking.

I will keep continue to keep ya'll posted.