Christmas Blues

I am suddenly feeling those Christmas Blues.

You know the kind that just creep up on you? The kind where - you were psyched for a moment in time and then crash...You just want to snuggle up in bed, cover your head and hope it all goes away. Its nothing that an alcohol induced coma can't cure.

There is so much to do and so little time. Once in October, I think I thought I would make this year different. I would have my ornaments out. My presents purchased, wrapped and ready. I would already have my open house planned so that my neighbors and friends could stop by for a nosh and a sip of nog. I would be ready for anything the holiday season threw at me.

It is now one day before December. Twenty-five days from the big event. Nada, zilch, zip.

I can't even get a tree because it won't fit in my sexy-mama mobile!!!

Somehow each year - I read up and watch tons of TV on the things I want to do. The things I have to do to make it a perfect holiday season. I have grand plans, ya know?

I make fun of the families that start putting out their ornaments the day after Thanksgiving. The stores that are playing Christmas music and have their trimmings out in September. The folks that woke at 6 am Friday (The day after Thanksgiving) and have completely finished their shopping by noon.

Then look at me...Last Minute Louie.

I will end up overspending. I will end up overdoing it to make up for the fact that I am late, late, late. I will be one of the crazy people at the store. Ripping that last scarf off the shelf or from the hands of an old lady. Flipping off the people in the parking lot for taking that last coveted space. All in the name of "The Festive Holiday Season".

I make excuses and criticize....Don't people know the real meaning of Christmas?

Knowing full well that my daughter will not be happy with just that. Hell, I want a present or two or three or four!!!

As of today....ok..not today I have something to do tonight.

As of.....I am busy until Saturday...Saturday morning...no, afternoon.

As of Saturday afternoon, I do solemnly swear that I will have something done in the name of Christmas.

If I have time.

Hung like a horse...

Speaking of my holiday - I will add something that gave me a bit of joy.

I got to see my Auntie and Cuz and Lil' Cuzins and a very well hung horse.

They were the bright light of my weekend. The one thing that brought me joy and laughter.

I am happy to see my Cuz is happy with her new life. I never, ever thought it would be enough.
Cuz is a dynamo. A never stopping spitfire of a machine. She was always known to have millions of things on her plate and a finger in each one. Who thought country life would agree with her so well? Not I. Not many.

She was a city dweller. Loved Miami. Loved everything it offered. She loved running on the beach (someplace that is a few hours from her now).

Now - I see a beautiful woman, who still has everything on her plate. But she rides horseback now on her horse, Spirit. She has a great calm about her. I think that she made the right move. She threw caution into the wind and made the change. I think its suited her well.

Auntie is as lovely as ever. She is the sweetest thing ever. She is too cute and makes me smile.
Even if she is older than dirt. Its a private joke we have between each other as I was still gullible enough to still believe that she was going to be an age she hasn't seen in many years. Everytime she gets me.

"My birthday is in a few days," she says.

"I am going to be 48."

I am like..."Wow - that's great."

Then it sinks in what she just told me. She is the OLDEST sibling in her family. So that would make my Dad what...45. Ha! That would make him 10 years old when he had me. After all this addition going on in my head. I finally look at her and say....

"What!?! "

She giggles as she knows my dim-witted bulb finally went off and I got the joke. Gets me everytime.

The Lil Cuz's are now grown. Z looks like and Ambercrombie and Fitch model. He's very handsome for his 10 years. A is too cute with her pigtails - she is gonna be something else when she gets older. She wants what she wants - now. She gets it and shes only two. Whatta way to work it A!!!

Thank you all for spending time with us.

You made our holiday.

Piggy...Piggy

Aaahhh - Wonderful holidays. A wonderful time for many, and horrible time for few.

They do not make enough Vodka in the world as far as I am concerned!

I come from a decent size family. Not huge. As we were growing up - the amount of kids never maxed four. Now - we have one. We will have two more soon, but they wont eat much for a while. So its mainly an adult affair, where everyone shares a cocktail or two or three. We chat and help prepare the table. Sometimes we are lucky to pick and nibble on the yummy goodness to come. Its pretty low-key.

Now I know that most families have more kids than we do. Sometimes there is an adult table and a kids table. Or, (like the one we recently attended) a really long table with adults on the top half and the kids on the bottom half.

The kids table sucked - because you wanted to know what was so great at the adults table that you were banished from it. Now being a grownup I can tell you the secret...Your not missing a damn thing. I had an Uncle B. Who always ate with us at the kids table. We thought he was cool because he actually thought we were more interesting that the grownups. Fact is, we were.

Well as you know, we attended dinner away this year and this time there were far more kids than adults. So many so that, I went in search of an adult beverage only to come up with juice boxes in the cooler.

So after a trip to the local booze store, I made myself a great big cocktail and settled in for my dinner.

This family doesn't use the pig trough method. The use the conveyor belt method. Round the table it goes. From left to right. Adults on the top half - kids on the other of a very long table. So you figure...What's the problem? The dishes hit the kids and they are old enough that their plates are not prepared for them. They in fact are in charge of their portion control. Being boys, they load their plates, like mountains.

Where's the problem you say? Well, once it gets past the boys the bowls are empty. Well - I shouldn't say empty. There is approximately a large spoonful left (how thoughtful of them). Then the remaining people (for fun lets say..Me and J and their Gramma) are left dividing this spoonful into thirds. When there was not enough to so this - J and I would forgo so that the Gramma could have the last roll or the last spoonful.

I don't think the pig trough method would have worked anyway. Though it may have raised a few eyebrows if they let the kids go first and then they could see what they had left. Their ration factor was minimal at best. My Dad makes sure there is plenty for seconds and for the five friends that you invited at the last minute - with enough for leftovers.

I didnt get it - This happened meal after meal. I watched as the kids would pile their plates and since their parents (who were sitting on the first served side) already had their plates full - never seemed to notice what was coming around the other side.

One nite - J and I messed with their seating assignment. We figured the best place to sit and threw them off completely. The kids were angry - you could feel the hatred seething from them.
Oh well, so sorry for you little Piggys.

Oh, by the way little Piggys - we will not be eating with you all for a looooong while.

And how was your Turkey Day?

Moooommmmm.....

I have paid homage to a certain someone many, many times on my blog.

Many nice, sweet sappy crapola has been spewed. My sugar factor has been thru the roof. I mention this as it is very unlike me to be too sweet. All my views are always skewed by some form of hatred, envy or guilt.

But not for this person....nooooooooooooooo. I am sweet, kind and generous. On my blog. The blog that is to be about ME!

My Mom always told me to be nice to this particular person. This person was sickly as a child you know. Runny noses and dark circles. The size of their head - not a hindrance at all, amazingly. It actually made this person smarter. Its true - the bigger the brain, the smarter they are. Funny because this persons buttcrack showed most of their childhood because he wasn't as blessed in the backend (politely said).

So...Back to the point, as there is one. I promise you.

This person refused to pay homage to ME! I get cracks and smirk and chuckles.

Peshaw I say!

Mooomm!!!!!!!!! Tell him to be nice to me.

I am the only sister he has you know.

Whats the frequency Kenneth?

Farewell - Dan Rather.

Your not a good journalist - your stock in evening news was well at the bottom before you even tried to pass off fakes documents.

You harrassed President Nixon, Bush and went easy on Saddam. I believe you even went to visit Osama once to film his war camps and had a spot of tea.

I know what kind of man you are. Not American. Just a commie -pinko liberal.

CBS are the initials of your CommieBullShit station.

You are a"hippo in a bathtub" and my "fingernails sweat" when I hear your voice.

Let's make room for some new blood.

Even and fair reporting.

Thats what the world needs.

It's gonna suck...

Nothing against HB's family and I am grateful that they have invited me to share in their holiday.

But - I am bummed that I will be unable to share the holiday with my family. (See another post about ME!)

The good part is that Christmas is a few weeks away and I will be able to see them then. (Come on December 23rd)

I spent Thanksgiving away one year with The AH. It was a poor attempt at a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving. Instead of the whole turkey we were served breast (I am a dark meat lover). The homemade cranberry sauce was too tart and the veggies were pretty but bleech. Don't get me wrong the table was lovely. Something out of a book.

I prefer the pig trough method myself. My Dad puts these huge bowls and platters out and everyone digs in. Once, twice, it doesn't matter the bowls of food are never ending.

It is Thanksgiving ya know.

My Father really puts on a spread. Turkey,smashed potatoes, homemade gravy. The veggies are perfect in everyway. My fave is the greenbeans. He has two types of stuffings. One is bread and the other meat. I am not sure what type of meat - but its something that has been passed from Gramma to him. I am happy with a bowl of that. I am happy when there are leftovers so that I can have more of it after Thanksgiving.

I am happy when I am with my family. I love my family. I miss my family.

I think that on Thanksgiving - he will be sad. He won't have all the stuff to prepare for. All the stuff to cook. All the people in the kitchen asking for a bite. All the folks milling around and making him crazy and not getting in line quick enough.

"If you don't hurry it's gonna get cold!!!" He barks. The cute little vein protruding from his forehead and neck.

My Mom is the one who makes sure that he has everything he needs. She is the oil to his machine. Without her by his side - his nose would bleed. Plus -she makes sure he doesn't forget that there are rolls in the oven.

I think they will miss us terribly too.

Daddy, I hate your job and this will not be acceptable next year - so please put in for vacation...NOW!

Mommy, don't be too sad. We will be thinking of you both and critiquing everything - so it will suck for me and J too.

I think you should make dinner for the neighbors and the relatives. Have yourself a party.

But don't forget how miserable we all will be without you (guilt...Did it work?)

I want, I need, I have to have...

Inquiring minds want to know....

Ok - so the whole world and my millions of readers will now know what a 35 year old Christmas list looks like. This is what you have to look forward to when your get older than dirt (Right Auntie?)

Snicker...Laugh and jest if you will - but I need certain things and for some reason I wont buy them for myself. Now if it's a gift....That's something different.

Unlike Starr Jones and her recent nuptials to...What's his name. My list is mundane.
I don't have huge requests only simple. Nothing expensive and nothing extravagant.

So here it goes. Oh...If my readership is interested in purchasing me a gift - a simple "Thank you J's Mom for making me laugh and making me cry" ....Please leave your phone number (Like that's ever gonna happen) in the comments and I will call you with my PO Box.

I want...

PJ's. Cotton - two piece. Tank and shorts.
(I sweat terrible when I sleep - cotton absorbs)

Mixing Bowls - varied sizes - Metal or Plastic.
(I am tired of using my large measuring cup - Martha would die!)


I need....

Everyday utility towels
(My Mom got me a huge bag of these one year. Love them - HB uses them to clean the crap from his wheels and they have mung on them.)

Glasses - everyday drinking glasses. (I ask for this every year...I am a klutz and I don't need to explain)

I have to have...

Some CD's

Jeff Buckley - Grace (I have the cassette and I cannot play it in my car) Cassettes are now useless crap that I wasted my money on many years ago. They make a good door stop and the tape is good for tying up J when she makes me mad.

Nora Jones - Her old CD that sold millions - not the new one. I know eeevvveerryyonnnee has it except me. Told you...I'm lame.

Then there is this guy I heard the other day....Been out forever...Couldn't tell you his name for the life of me...He kinda sounds like that other guy Dave Matthews...The song was Wonderland or something like that. Brotherman probably knows.

Various items such as...

Candles are always appreciated. (We used them up pretty quickly with the virgin sacrifice we performed on Nov 1st. It was worth it.)

Since I am working on my back yard a lawn ornament is welcome as long as it is cute and not too big. (Looking for a sign that says servants quarters - I think its funny)

I am accepting all gift cards from all stores.... Target and Old Navy are always good. If your feeling really generous...Express and Macy's. Pier One is always a fave (and they have candles while you are there. My birthday is in a few months...Stock up).

Thats it folks. These things will make me happy. These are things in my every day that I say
I want, I need, I have to have...

And I used to make fun of my Dad for asking for socks... Shame on me!

Now I totally understand.

Plush

Ok - I am so addicted to reality shows. I watch them everynite.

I didn't see the Amazing Race last night. I was too busy watching The Biggest Loser.

The night before - I watched The Swan.

I am feeling like a gigantic, lard bucket whose arms wiggle and thighs jiggle while I watch these things.

The swan made two lovely sisters into hotties. Granted - they spend tens of thousands of dollars in a three month period to achieve this - but I have a credit card.

Then, The Biggest Loser. I have spoke of it before. These folks are obese. Every week they lose in excess of 10 lbs. Granted they have a trainer that busts their butt for two hours a day and everyone eating the same thing, watching out for everyone else.

Me - I have J and HB. Junk food junkies.

Mom, can we have Ice Cream?

Hon', can you make me a grilled cheese?

My Dad said something weird to me the other day. Since I last saw him I have put on weight from the Atkins thing. It came back on fast an furious. I have really been trying to get back onto the swing of things recently - with HB diet requirements and J now saying she won't eat anything with a face (another story for another day). But - I always have an excuse. I am now figuring - well I am gonna have to wait until after the New Year to get serious. Too many parties!!!!

Well- back to my Dad. He pointed out I had a pooch. Yes - ladies, he pointed it out. Its like the boy you have a crush on pointing out that you have a huge zit on your face.

Then he said - well you looked anorexic before. I don't know if he was covering for pointing out my pooch. My Mom of course intervened in the topic with - "She just ate."

Draw dropping. I know.

Well - I dropped the subject there - because I was eating black beans or something and I hate to think about my gut while I am piling in the food, ya know.

Does that mean I didn't look good lighter? People we are only talking 15 lbs so its nothing like the people on the Big Loser. It just offered me the opportunity to be a size 10 instead of a 12.
Or my Daddy - likes me....plush (seems nicer than fat).

I am usually quite comfortable with myself. I have spoken about it before. I have been 'plush' all my life.

But these shows are killing me. It makes me want to get off the couch and turn them off! It wants to make me....Gulp...Exercise and...Put down the sugar free cookies I just baked.

I know.

Scary.

They are Actors!!!

This weekend we went to the local park to play pretend with the Wenches.

Every year a local troupe throws a Camelot Days festival. I have a blast. I drink beer and chew on turkey legs. Everyone dresses up and the characters offer a small glimpse of what it was like during the renaissance period.

I feel comfy there because I am considered quite the exquisite model being all Rubenesque and everything.

Some visitors go to the park dress and speak the language. They wear their best clothes to attend the function.

There are also vendors that sell the dresses and the boots, swords and necklaces.

We went with the kids - who try to express to us that they are Liberals. Let everyone live, let everyone be, let it all hang out. They call us uptight. Ha!

They will scream Liberalism all day at you...Until you get them in a situation like this. It makes them uncomfortable for some reason. They make fun, their faces are scrunched up like they are smelling something foul. They make comments and God Forbid you talk to one of the characters they tend to drift away, embarrassed. They call them creeps and carnies.

I call them "Actors".

"What's up? Why didn't you want to talk to that guy?" I say.

"He looked ridiculous!" They say.

I say so what - I think it's great! These folks love to get attention on their outfits. They spend quite a bit on the apparel. It is not cheap! They want to talk about it. They want to act!

The women, they love to talk and play wench and tease with the guys. They want to act!

They are playing a character - its like Disneyland in the local park.

I once saw a man dressed like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean at one of these things. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was almost stalkerish. He was fantastic!

These are good actors because they never fall out of character.

If you ask them about the period or what function they are doing - they give you a very detailed history lesson. HB and I sat thru a whole speech about body armor.

Its a fantasy. A play. Its pretend. Go along with it and enjoy yourself!!!

The kids have forgotten how to play pretend.

Oh - how they will be wanting to play pretend when the get old(er).

Worst flab....

Thought it was just me.

Don't be fooled by the pics they show you of Miami. Bikinis and chiseled men are few and far between according to the recent survey.

Pass the black beans please!

Welcome to Hell (or your parking lot)!

This morning as I was getting ready for work I turned on the TV to witness the attempted burial of Arafat.

I don't know if they ever made it to the hole they dug in the parking lot of his compound - but it was amazing to watch. What a lovely gravesite you picked. Right by the one lonely tree that still lives amongst your war torn land.

It was amazing that there is no order. Chaos everywhere. His followers could have cared less if their heads were chopped off from the helicopter blades or that they were killed from the bullets that were shot into the air. They just wanted to be there. To touch his casket.

I was amazed that all of the shaking and pushing that was going on that the casket didn't fall to the floor breaking open and Arafat's dead body was passed over the heads of these zealots. Gives a new meaning to body surfing.

Notice how their are never any woman on the streets? Where do all these people come from - there has to be a woman or two giving birth to these men and boys!

The women in my opinion are the ones who look at their husbands and say...See Ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

I really wanted to witness them run off with the body and head to Jerusalem. The Israelis were waiting.

I wanted to watch a huge hoard of Palestinians run towards the Israeli army - something like Braveheart , but live. The Palestinians and their rocks and slingshots, the Israelis with their tanks.

We know how that went.

I know his death will not bring a 'new peace'. Whoever replaces him cannot deviate from what Arafat thought was acceptable. Arafat turned down an agreement with Israel because it met only 97% of his demands. The Palestinians stood by him. From their shacks and shanty town and him his compound. They lived deliriously happy in war and poverty. They praised him for keeping them down.

They died for him and for the status of martyr. The virgins are awaiting them.

Until they landed in Hell.

Well, dear dead Palestinians - he is probably meeting you there now - and I know you didn't get your virgins so I suggest you kick his ass when he gets there.

He deserves it.

The Impaler

Last night HB and I went on another excursion to find a restaurant beyond the norm.

We walked into a place earlier that we had set our sights on. It was supposed to be a very good Cajun place. The write up in the rag went something like..."If they didn't try do hard to be a disco the restaurant would thrive. The food is superb!" The door was open - the lights were on - but no one was home. HB was saying loudly...."We are robbing you blind, We are taking the dollar off the wall!" No one came running. So we decided to head next door.

Next door is Transylvania. Always looked like a nice place - always empty! But its been there forever.

HB has decided that a lot of these 'ethnic' places that are around our area are a cover for something else. We cannot figure out how they keep the lights on and not sell any food.

But- we being of brave hearts and stomachs tried it out. Glad we did!

Walking in you are greeted by a very large statue of Vlad the Impaler. He was clad in gold and stood over 8 ft tall. Actually - you stare at Vlad the whole time as he takes up most of the front room. I guess its appropriate in the end while you gorge on red wine and rare meat.

When ever we go to any restaurant of a different land we always try to order a mixed plate if available. That way - we can get a taste of everything instead of getting stuck with one thing we hate.

The waitress suggested a bottle of Romanian wine and we were ready to dine. (And I made a rhyme).

We were brought a platter of meat - lamb, pork, chicken, sausage, steak and cabbage rolls. On the side, a huge pile of polenta. All the meats were grilled to perfection, all of them tasty and flavorful. Never having polenta before I scooped a little pile on the plate. It reminded me of dry grits - it actually was a good accompaniment to the meal. I have had cabbage rolls before - but these were small and red - I couldnt tell you what the spice was that they used but it was very strong. You kept eating it to try to figure it out.

After dinner we ordered some Turkish coffee and she brought out a little plate of all their dessert cakes that she wanted us to try.

I think that when you talk to the wait staff and ask their recommendations (only when they are of the same ethnicity) they like sharing a little of their culture and food with you. We have been very lucky with leaving some choices up to them.

She went gentle on us because two of the main meats available were tripe and brain. I think it may be an acquired taste - but she wasn't going to waste a perfectly good eatin' brain on us!

I would recommend it - I would go again and I would bring a friend or two to fill up those empty chairs!

So here's to Vlad or shall I call you....Dracula.....

Muuuaaaahhhhaaaaaa!!!!

For Brotherman

A "asian" film that I am sure you will love and not badmouth on your blog.

http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=2308

Mung...

Mung is the stuff that has no better word.

Mung is the stuff that's a little gross and instead of really pointing out what is it....You say it's Mung.

For example - When you take a handy-wipe and clean your steering wheel - that black stuff...Is mung.

So Saturday morning HB and I head to the local jeweler which also happens to be a pawn shop too.

Now - they only deal in jewelry. There are no car stereos or bikes, just jewelry.

A lot of it is custom - and sometimes with custom jewelry its large and ugly. Not only that but sometimes with custom pieces there is a name on it. Usually, a name that you cannot even pronounce. This is why they had to make something custom. Now the question is - who in the heck is going to buy a two inch thick gold nugget bracelet with "Snuffaluffagus" scrawled on it? Not me!

But we were in the market for something high end - with no high prices attached. This particular place has been around for sometime and mixed in with the crap is some really good items.

You just have to get past the mung. Yes , the mung.

I don't know where this mung comes from and why they don't clean the mung from the stuff before they display it. But if you look and you don't have to look too hard. It's there. Mung.

Mung is not something that you get in a Mayors, lets say. Mayors jewels are untouched and unworn.

This place...Well, we are not sure if the mung is from the man whose wife has come in to pawn her husband of 50 years jewelry because she was mad at him from having an affair with a 20 something.

Or - if this mung is from someone prying it off an old ladies hand during a mugging.

Its there in all its mungness.

So we come across a very nice piece - quite a few colored gems in it and very heavy in weight. We look at the clasps make sure they are in working order and ask her... 'How Much?"

She gives us a number and as 'seasoned salesmen' we move on..."Wait - let me steam this for you to show you the true beauty of this piece."

So off she goes and you hear the machine start and a few moments go by and she returns with a beautiful bracelet. Shimmering in the lights . Clean - pristine - pure.

HB looks at it and like a 'seasoned salesmen' says....

"Yeah, looks better after you cleaned all the dead people mung off it - I will give you $...."

We got the bracelet.

I'm going on a date...

Well, after a few weeks of not seeing my HB on a regularly scheduled basis. He has asked me on a date tonight.

Woo Hoo!

He works very hard and his schedule is always crowded due to his family obligations.

Sometimes, we are able to chat for a few minutes before he falls asleep then he is the first one to awaken and then hit the door again for another busy day before anyone else begins to stir.

It quiet when he's not around. Though he is a quiet man anyways (you have to be in my family - there is no more room for a Jabberjaw.)

Just to know he's sitting there fills up a room.

J even wonders where he's been. Someone to keep her Mom company as she has far better things to do than entertain me.

I am glad he scheduled sometime in there for me tonight.

Maybe we will venture into a restaurant from a far-away land?

I don't care if we sit in the back yard to tell you the truth - I am just glad I will get to see him.

I like HB.

What's with the line?

Every morning I like to drink coffee. I make it as soon as I get up - but I need more thru out the day.

If possible - I like Starbucks and my multi-named drink. McD's will do if I am really in need of the brown liquid (but that's like offering a junkie a glass of water)

I have been noticing that my regular stores have been unusually busy lately. Busy meaning the line is out the door. I will not wait in a line that long. I refuse to.

So - since there are three on my way in, if I have time, I will swing by them all to see the line situation.

So far, it's been a no go for me and my need for Buckys.

So - I break down this morning and decide I really need a fix and drive into McD's.

Line, Line, Line, Line!!!!!

Don't they understand. Don't they know that I am ready to claw my eyes out - that I can feel my skin peeling and I have the shakes. Why don't have my drink sitting on the counter when I walk in? Why don't I get a pass to the head of the line?

What's with the line???

Its 9:14 and I need a fix man. I need something. I think it's time for a break. I know I have only been here 45 minutes but....I can't stand it anymore!


*****NEWS BULLETIN************


(J's Mom was last seen at the local Starbucks offering to buy other peoples drinks as they walked out. She's been missing for 24 hours. If you have seen her please call 1-800-CAF-ADDICT. We recommend you use extreme caution when talking to her.)

It saddens me...

You know - I feel that I am brilliant.

A Wo, amongst Wo - men!

I can't even pass third grade..... I am such a failure!

It's because I didn't travel much as a child, you know.

If it wasnt on the way to Indy - couldn't tell you where the hell it is.

(That's the way Nelle - Blame The Parents)

Handsome

Well, a minute for a serious post.

My brotherman was married this weekend.

The room was rather crowded so I was viewing him from a side angle in the other room.

I have never seen him look more handsome than he did that nite.

He has a wonderful profile and a silly smile.

I just wanted my millions of fans to know.

I love ya!



(Ok - Im over it - lets get back to making fun of him)

I'm a jealous cow! Moo!

Very exciting weekend ahead!!!

Brotherman is getting....ma...ma...ma...MARRIED! Her name is Sassy Pants.

Brotherman and Sassy Pants sitting in a tree - K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

Yes - I know. She looks past the odd shaped head and his love for thrash metal and his weird love for D&D. So, it must be love.

I am very happy for them.

I am a huge fan of love stories. Though it may seem at times that my feelings may be opposite, as I stick my finger down my throat and pretend to puke when people are all lovey-dovey.

It's just the jealous cow in me that takes over.

Great love stories are wonderful to hear. They give you hope that there is a certain somebody out there for you. I see it in my Mom and Dad. In my Auntie and the two great loves of my Grammas life.

To have someone that you don't want to smother in the middle of the night with a pillow. For example...

"Officer, he had that sleep apnea (spelling?) thing. Yes, sometimes he would stop breathing and I would have to beat his chest to wake him. That explains those bruises. I just was in too deep a sleep to help him this time. No- I cannot explain why he has a knife stuck up his ass. He was into kinky things. What can I say. No, I am not smiling and you didn't see me doing a jig around his body!!! I'm innocent!"

Stuff like that and my love for The AH.

But - Brotherman has a sweet love. He coos and smiles. He is constantly following her around with a camera to capture her beauty on film. When she's not around, he sits in a dark room and watches it over and over, sniffing her nightgown. Then heads to the special alter that he set up and prays to her picture. See, sweet love. Awwww.

Ooops - jealous cow again.

What women wouldn't want to be held upon a pedestal? What woman wouldn't want her man to paint her toes and shave her legs for her. And at night when he brushes her hair.....So sweet.

Cow...Sorry.

I'm kidding of course. I don't think he really brushes her hair. hee hee

But - I would want it! All of it. But, I am lacking in that department. So, I just Moo a sad Moo and watch the other animals play.

Regretfully, HB looks at my toes and with a look that he is about to vomit asks when my next pedicure is. He adds that a leg wag, lip wax and eyebrow wax may be in order. Then if I ever plan on shaving my pits again. Its usually followed by the word eewwww and then he slowly backs away holding his nose.

I will cry at the wedding. I usually do - because love is sweet and it makes me think how miserable my life is and how no one wants to marry me. Just because I choose not to shave and bathe and brush my teeth and clean the bottoms of my feet. I just got rid of the lice problem and the scars aren't that bad. I am going to therapy for the clingy issue I have and the stalker incident has been dropped. The guy moved or vanished or something. So what if I like to sleep with ten dogs in my bed! No, I do not sit up and stare at you in the middle of the night and no you didn't hear me saying over and over...Marry Me, Marry Me. You were dreaming.!So what if I only flush the toilet once a week to conserve water? I'm a catch dammit!

Umm, errr... Sorry - I got off the subject.

I know Brotherman probably wrote his own vows and they will be terribly romantic and sappy. I want to tell him of a few bible versus that get me everytime if he wants to add them for extra effect so that we will all have a blubberfest (with our family being really, really religious and all).

But in all seriousness...As I reread the verses my Father read at my wedding, I agree. Though written thousands of years ago they still ring true today. I see the respect and love they have for each other. I see that my Brotherman is doing everything in his power to make it perfect, to make it right. I wish them them all the best!

Moooooo!

I got my Mommy

You know there are times when everything seems right.

When you fall in love.

When you make it on time and slam dunk an interview.

When people you care about pull thru sickness or surgery.

When the cake you are baking doesnt sink or crack and the cookies are perfect.

And when you are with your Mom.

I am so perfect right now...

Hollow Leg

HB has two children

And one who seems to either have a serious parasite issue or a hollow leg.

(Thinking about not telling this story until after this weekend - but I will and I will make sure he eats before he shows - ok bro!).

He is lean and his physical appearance wouldn't make you think he had a case of tapeworm - just a serious case of the munchies.

He had offered to help his Dad (offered is a bit strong - I did have to pay him) lay my foundation for my spa.

He arrived early and promptly asked for some food. Didn't care what it was. Cold leftovers would have been fine. I offered to make a hot breakfast, it doesn't take long to scramble eggs. He gladly accepted and waited.

He devoured the meal at then proceeded to get to work.

Approximately four hours later "What's for lunch?".

I told him I was making sandwiches. Of which I think are extremely hearty as I don't skimp on the meat. "Can I have two?"

No problem I say. I think a third may have been in order as he looked at our plates to see if there were any leftovers.

I shake my head and giggle. This would be a boy my father would love to feed. Keep it coming.

During lunch he mentions dinner. "What are we having? Can he come over? What time is good?"

I tell him to come over at 6 - thinking that he can watch the end of the Gator game with his Dad and then we can eat by 7.

By 6:30 the last quarter of the game" Ummm, what time is dinner going to be served?"

You almost feel bad - he looks at you like hes starving. Not eating at this very moment will cause him to fall into a coma. So - I step it up and try to get the food on the table asap!

He makes his way thru a steak - four jumbo shrimp - loads of pasta and half a loaf of bread. He avoids the zucchini (what, no veggies?)

Gets up cleans the table and asks when he can come over next to eat.

Oh and by the way, "Do you have any canned food that you wouldn't mind parting with?"

I think - Crappy Hurricane Supplies.

I know they suck, but I am trying to get on this kids good side.

"Beefaroni anyone? "

Of course - I save the day!

I am so great...

(yes I know)

Louie - Louie

I am doing my Louie - Louie dance right now.

I am unable to cheer or boast (don't wanna rub in it to my weeping coworkers).

But, I am doing it...and doing it proud.

Go Louie - Its your Birthday.

We gonna party like it's your birthday.

Whooop - Whooop!

Its hell...

Its Hell being a chick.

From the beginning of life a girl must endure such hardships.

Men have life easy. Piece of cake.

Men are always the first ones picked for the team. They are allowed to get dirty and allowed to spit. They can go topless while they mow the grass and scratching themselves in public is acceptable.

Women have a gene that makes their tear ducts leak at inopportune moments and breasts. We must be confined by bras and when we itch we must run to the bathroom or squirm in our seats in agony.

Women bear the weight and endure the pain of carrying and bearing children.

Women must shave and pluck every stray hair.

Men - sit back revel in their belly hair and pick their bellybutton lint.

I hate having my period.

I hate that men don't.

I am happy that men have to have prostate exams.

Somehow - It makes up for it in the end.

Glad I didn't vote early.

Heard all the stories of long lines and terrible tempers that came along with early voting this past week.

I just took a late lunch - walked right in. Pressed my buttons and pressed vote!

I am a happy camper!!!

Even if you did the early voting thing - Good for you!

I am glad you went and did your duty as an American Citizen!

If you havent voted - I know the polls here in Florida are open til 7.

Get out there and vote!

Italian Anyone?

I am NOT talking food.

From a blog I read daily - here is a tasty treat for anyone that has a fixation for a man of the cloth and...Italians. Hubba, Hubba.

I cannot say that I ever seen a Priest so yummy. There was Father Barry and Palmer and Hernadez. The Priest that married me, Kidwell (cute in a Yoda kinda way) and the Priest that made me want to forget Priests, Babbin. Nope - not one cutie among them.

Though I must say I have a weakness for foreigners. HB says I like my men 'smarmy'. I like the dark and handsome look. Brooding eyes. If you have an accent - not even a romantic one - you got me.

I speak to Israelis daily - this language is harsh - but an Israeli man has that look in his eye that he will eat you alive. Very direct. No kidding around. Its a total turn on.

Iceland - these lovely men remind me of Count Dracula. Though most are blond and very pale skinned - their accent is to die for. Just the way they say hello. Have a conversation as if you were Count Dracula....Sexy huh?

I met a French man in NYC. He was lovely looking. HB told me to stop drooling. I just wanted to hear him talk. I know he detested me and hated everything I stood for. But - if I could get him to love me...If only for a moment.

The English men not only make me long for a beer, but they will be the proper gentleman sitting by your side at an unruly pub. They know how to wield a bottle as a weapon. They make you actually UNDERSTAND Madonna (a girl from Detroit who wants to sound like The Queen). They can call you a "Filthy Cow" and you giggle like a schoolgirl. It's all in the accent. How can anything that sounds so proper be so foul.

Greek men....aahhhhh. I live in an area where the Greeks are plentiful. Greek God is right! Yes - I would love more Uzo. Yes, I will be your little baklava.

But Italians (swoon) - I need to go to Italy. I have married and dated watered down versions of Italians. HB recently had a family gathering where my love for the nationality flourished. I love their food, I love their wine, I love everything about them.

Even their Priests.

(I am so going to H-E - double hockey sticks)

No tricks or treats?

Sadly - I am now the proud owner of 3 large bags of Snicker Mini's.

Why am I sad?

Because now I have to eat them. Yes -I have to eat them! They are sitting there in the shiny little packages. Its like Christmas everytime I hear the crackle of the foil. I swear I can smell the chocolate thru the paper. Mmmmmmm.

Uhhhhh, ok, back to the story.

Why may you ask do I have 3 bags of tasty, wonderful goodness?

I know that it's my "special" time and no, I didn't buy them just to gorge on my favorite candy bar over the weekend.

Halloween nite - I got zero, zilch, nada children. I have kids on my block. They are next to me, across from me , caddy corner to me. But not one knocked on the door. I turned on my lights. HB even put out a wicker pumpkin to let them know we were Halloween friendly. Sure it rained - but...I had good candy, damn it.

I have it on good authority that the kids walked a couple of blocks to the "BIG" houses. These are the homes that you need a Phd or be a lottery winner to live in. Yes - the street is well lit. Yes, they tend to give out full size candy bars. Yes, it does seem to be a 'social' thing as mothers and father bring a cocktail with them and 'chat' along the way.

But - I had good candy. It not like I was giving out smarties or good forbid...Toothpaste!!!

I am feeling shunned and forgotten and a little hungry....

Hey, pass the candy.