The nose knows....

So last night.... I am diddling around in the kitchen.

I still don't feel good but trying to get back into "Mother of J" character I warmed some leftovers up to feed the masses.

HB walks in after hitting a few golf balls at the local course but there is something different about him.

HB doesn't wear cologne. He has tons of it - gifts that were given to him in the past are sitting on the dresser turning orange-brown with age. I like his man-scent. Soap and water mixed with a little Arm and Hammer anti-perspiration.

So - when he walked up behind me in the kitchen to give me a hug hello - I smelled a bit of a difference.

Now - after he went to the course he had to stop at the local drugstore to pickup one of his many prescriptions.

At first - I mentioned the odor and asked him if he sprayed something on himself while at the drugstore.

Seriously - guys don't smell good after hitting a few balls. They smell sweaty - like wet chicken.

He said something in the room spilled and he wiped his hand on his shirt - that was all.

But - this smell - it intrigued me. I couldn't keep my nose away from him.

Sniff - sniff - sniff. I felt like Spike. Investigating this curious scent.

Maybe it was that last night was the first time I could actually smell something. Anything.

I liked this smell. NO - I LOVED THIS SMELL! I was inhaling the smell for all it was worth. I kept questioning him....

"What is that? That doesn't smell like anything I have ever smelled before. What's the name of it? What in the bedroom smells like that!?!"

He had a sly smile on his face and was giggling.

"I am not telling - it's kind of embarrassing." he says

"Please (sniff) tell me (sniff) what that (sniff) is! I really (sniff) like that (sniff) smell! How bad (sniff) can it be (sniff). What is it like Pledge (sniff)?"

I am literally climbing this man sniffing and sniffing. It's in my nose and it tingles and I can't stop!!!

This morning - he finally confessed to what is was.

And you know what - I can see where he things its embarrassing. He felt he got caught doing something naughty.

Trying to get a little - you see?

But - I will post the link here. (So its not like I told you what he did - you guessed)

If any guys read this - it worked. I smelled him as soon as he walked by. Recommended buy!

Ladies - I think I will have him go by the bottle (if he didn't already) - It smelled that good.

Strange - but you know what....

Some people get turned on by stinky armpits.

Time, time, time

Time, time, time, see what’s become of me

While I looked around, For my possibilities

I was so hard to please

But look around, leaves are brown - And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the salvation army band. Down by the riverside, it’s bound to be a better ride.Than what you’ve got planned.

Carry your cup in your hand.

And look around, leaves are brown. And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend

That’s an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away... Simply pretend,That you can build them again

Look around, the grass is high. The fields are ripe, it’s the springtime of my life.

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery - Weaving time in a tapestry -Won’t you stop and remember me? At any convenient time? Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts Of unpublished rhyme. Drinking my vodka and lime.

But look around, leaves are brown nowAnd the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Look around, leaves are brownThere’s a patch of snow on the ground...

**This song has been playing around in my head all evening. No, I didnt watch a rerun of "Less than Zero" (although I would have if it was on). The funny thing is that I thought the Bangles wrote this. Oh - how wrong I am. Paul Simon of Simon and Garfunkel fame wrote it. This was also covered by a group called Sodom (interesting listen online).

The reason I posted it - is that many songs mean different things to others.

You could probably look it up and see what Paul Simon was thinking about when he wrote it.

But - let play pretend and guess what it's supposed to mean....

Go on...You first.

Sick....

again!

I can't stand being sick. Apparently - me being sick doesnt hang to well in the ol' humle abode either. It's like I got sick on purpose and I am ruining everyones life / weekend and whole being.

They are cranky and angry and short tempered. Along with my Nyquil induced hazed - I am not taking it too well. I have no problems hurling a pillow at the next person who bothers me!!!

HB blames my way of life on my sickness.

"Well you do burn the candle at both ends. Working too hard, drinking like a fish and smoking - what do you expect?"

I live my way every day and I do just fine. Somewhere in my travels I came across someone who passes on his cooties. It happens.

Healthy vegans get colds too!

"Ma - you were supposed to take me shopping and you looked fine a little while ago - I don't understand why you can't go out now!?!"

Even the pillows I have placed over my head cannot block out her screeching.

The long and short of it. Mom's cannot get sick.

If you do you pay the price.

Somehow its your fault.

You better get over it quick.

How much longer til my next shot of the blue stuff?

Sniff.

And the winner is....

Its gonna be a guy this year...On American Idol. I am gonna call it here.

The ages of the folks competing is much older than usual and they are great! Might I add - handsome!

Although - there is one girl. One! That I can't keep my eyes off of...She's 16, Paris Bennett.

That's it. The rest of the girls might as well go home. If she doesn't win - let's say she comes in second - she will be like Clay Aiken. She will make it - she's got the goods and she is from a performance (Sounds of Blackness) family (Who I have seen in concert and they were amazing!)

Remember Ruben? As Janet would say..."What have you done for me lately?"

Now the boys (or shall I say men) they are gonna have to bring their A game to the performance this time.

Patrick Hall - Cute - although J says he has a huge forehead and it bothers her. But - he did a Melissa Etheridge song. Bad move. If you don't sound like her - or can pull of the passion and angst in her voice.

David Radford - Annoying - he did a Queen song in his pseudo - Frank S. Voice. Hated it! Those facial features bothered me. What was that redheaded guy that was a crooner on last years shows name? (See I have a point.)

Bucky - You killed a great song! Stick with what you know son! You growled - off key thru the whole thing. What is the name of the song? I couldn't understand you!

Will Makar - Sorry Paula - not Bobby Brady, Fred Savage from the Golden Years or something. He did a decent job on a Jackson 5 song - but he's not Michael and he's not 8 - so it was ok and boring...zzzzz.

SWAY - Ay Papi! "Reasons" is such a get in your panties type of song. You made the girls fall in amour with you. Mi Corazon tu ya! Love him! He was fantastic!

Chris Daughtry - I love this guy. I think there is a bald theme going on here. I fell in love with his 'story' when he tried out. Chris - you did a great rendition of "Dead or Alive" - please be just as good on anything else they shoot your way. I really want you to hang around. I really, really like you.

Kevin Covais - Squishy? I don't get it. He will be around for a while due to the pity vote but not make it to the end. He has a nice voice - but its like cheering for the fat kid to crawl over the finish line in the mile run around the track. It's never gonna happen.

Gedeon McKinney - Handsome fellow and I am sure that he has lots of talent. "Shout" was not a vocal song to learn about anyone's singing chops. Simon is right - your smile is odd and with that hair - it reminds me of Buckwheat. Become angry and frown a little - otherwise your a little creepy.

Elliot Yamen - Looks like he's been in a brawl or two or three. But the guy can sing and he sang Stevie Wonder! If you can pull that off - you are on your way. The record company will work on your teeth and that bent up nose after you win.

Bobby Bennett - Copacabana? Are you kidding me. I hope your Grammy was watching close from heaven (irritating point #1 - don't do a shitty song and then tell a sob story when you suck!) because that's the last time you will ever be on TV.

Ace Young - Whose your Daddy? Growl!!!! Love the song "Father Figure" I love George Michael - and I don't care who he touches in the men's bathrooms. This guy is hot, sexy, brooding and he can sing. (Added benefit - his brother was in the audience - and he looks just like him - there is two of them!) Ok - have a drooled enough.

Taylor Hicks - Now - I like him. I really - really like him. He represents music I dig and I would by his album if he had one. I reaaaaallllyyy like him. But- he looks like everyone's Daddy and he is only 2 years older than the oldest contestant. I really like him. If you can vote of everyone else first I would appreciate it. I really like him.

So that's my run down....I hope America agrees with me and I am not saying bye-bye to Taylor tonight.

Cross your fingers.

Farting...

Along to Tom Jones is not very sexy. But- there is something very amusing about it.

HB has returned from Tahoe with a need to listen to Tom Jones. He has picked up a CD and now on our lunch excursions we must listen to Tom... At a very loud level.

My Dad used to (and probably still does) circle the block. When a song came on in the car radio he would pass the driveway and drive around the neighborhood until the song came to an end. My Mom would claim that she had to go to the bathroom and he would bring the car to a slow roll she would jump out and us kids (trapped in the backseat) would listen to American Pie (the long version).

I do that everyonce in a while with J. Not usually though because most of the time a good song comes on while we are on our way home from dinner and everyone has to make a bathroom stop.

It's better to get everyone in the house to their respective bathroom - because if not the whole flashback experience of listening to a song is ruined by the constant moaning...

"I gotta pee!"

"Oh no - the turtles poking it's head out!"

Smells start wafting thru air and the visions that were creeping inside your mind of where you were when you first heard that song are....Poof...Gone!

So - HB and I have started to go to the local park for lunch. We grab something from the local Italian deli and eat outside and enjoy the beautiful weather (soon it will be too hot!)

On the way there - since we only have a few blocks between the deli and the park - Tom Jones gets cut off in the middle of singing. But on the way back - a slow crawl overtakes HB's foot and it seems like that 6 block drive is taking...Forever!

"It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. It's not unusual to have fun with anyone. But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry... I wanna die." Croons Tom thru the speakers.

Well - my stomach hasn't been feeling to well lately and I have had gas. Lots of it.

Bend over - fart
Walk - fart
Sit - fart
Lay down - fart
Drive - fart
Poke me in the stomach like the Pillsbury doughboy - fart

Not very stinky - but loud enough to be laughable and gross at the same time.

Although I try to be the sex bomb HB wants, needs and desires I also figure....

Love me - Love my stinky ass! (I miss The Newlyweds!)

So - I take this opportunity to pull A..."Need to go, gotta go to the bathroom!"

Letting it rip to 'Delilia's' trumpet solo is delightful!

I am a Rock Star with a $100 T- Shirt.

Ok - so I am a poser. Not really a rock star. But - I am trying.

In my feeble attempts to de-age myself. I got a new hair color.

It's a kick ass red - I feel like a rock star or one of those Suicide Girls (minus the tats or piercings. Ok, so they are a good 15 years younger and about 100 lbs less than I am).

But you get the idea.

I also did something totally outside of the Mother of J world. I actually paid a lot of money for a t-shirt. Now, its a cool t-shirt that goes with my rock and roll hair - so I needed to do it. I am not making excuses...(yes I am) but it totally goes against my grain.

But in true Mother of J form - to overcome my guilt for buying something 'extravagant' for myself - everyone else in the house had to get something too.

So - My $100 T-shirt purchase cost me a little more than that by the time it was all said and done.

Now - my grocery budget is blown and Mac and Cheese will be served until next pay period to adjust for my expeditures.

G was with me and she is a pro at the $100 shirt purchases. But she has discretionary income and can do that every week - I need to stop hanging with her. She makes me spend my money.

I also bought a pair of $6 sunglasses (see, M of J being frugal!). Those huge overshaped - eat your face glasses that Nicole Ritchie is fond of.

I look good...Or so I thought. Until my vain shopping trip came to a screeching halt.

I decided to get my eyebrows waxed and the lady who does it also does facials. Everytime I walk into a place that does facials they look at me in horror and make a tsk-tsk noise.

I just went thru a facial last week as part of my birthday gift but apparently it didn't help because while she was waxing my hairy brow she was analyzing my skin and pretty much told me I was a wreck.

I decide that I hate her and she only wants more business besides my $10 eyebrow wax and then I make the decision that I will never go in there again.

At the end of the day - I do feel better about myself. I think covering up my two inches of gray regrowth really had something to do with it.

Plus - when I went on my customary monthly "Art (Drunk) Walk" I was actually talked up a few times (which never sucks).

I may get used to being a Pseudo- Rock Star.

But I don't know if the fam will put up with the Mac and cheese.

Stink and Man Card

HB is in Lake Tahoe.

He's earning points on his mancard.

Getting his lessons in craps and blackjack. I hope he comes back a little richer because some of the boys he's with are hard core.

HB usually watches - which is a little like having someone read over your shoulder or standing at the bathroom door while your trying to pee. It sucks.

Now here in Florida we have gambling but its Poker and slots. I don't know how to play poker and the slots get boring after a while. So - I really can't blame him for not enjoying it too much.

I am eagerly awaiting the "new and improved" casinos that seem to be on their way. When they do - I am sure that HB will have his new skills in order and can show me a few tricks.

I was a little nervous about him going to Tahoe with a bunch of guys. They combined it with a business trip and they are spending the whole weekend - skiing, gambling and drinking.

HB is retiring his man card a little early because he doesn't ski. So he will be returning during the middle of the man fest. Which is probably a good thing.

Man cards. You earn one of these when you hit puberty or something. It's some type of secret vow that boys take to cover each others asses and to cover up any dirty secrets they all may share until they die.

In reality - he would have his man card taken away for even letting a female into the secret society. But since I know the boys he's hanging out with and I hear the whispers in the next office, I just saunter in - sit my ass in his chair and say...."I smell the stink of T & A ...What's the plan?".

He immediately goes into man card defense stance - but I usually figure out the jist of everything.

In defense of his man card - he's not really telling me if I figure it out.

So - needless to say I was happy to hear that he wasn't staying over longer than he had (needed) too.

Boys will be boys and men will be men. Put in a situation where they are all together drinkin' and stinkin' - bad things can happen.

Hell - they were making plans in advance for the trouble.

Speaking of stink, one of the ringleaders that usually is in the stink of all things bad just got engaged over the last weekend and he needed to bring his bride to be along (Someone needs to watch over that new rock he just put on her finger.)

I told HB to make sure he stays with the couple that way his man card is still ok by default.

I am sure he will be fine - and will get a little stinky along the way.

But - when he returns this weekend - I will put the man card on hold in a safe place for a while.

Gotta let that stink air out a little before he can use it again.

Changing Roles

Spike isn't a dog. He's a fluffy, puffy white pain in the ass.

Sure, he barks like a dog (sometimes) or even tries to growl (occasionally) but his doggy vocabulary has a lot of whining in it. Squealing like a girl.

Moochie is the female of the lot. She has no problems putting the pooch in it's place.

Heck, she has even taken to playing with him. She hides in the bushes and when he least expects its she leaps and pounces on her canine friend.

This morning there was an intruder in our midst, Pumpkin.

Pumpkin is a ugly ass orange cat that lives in my front yard. I don't feed him - but I am sure he knows that there is salmon flavored nuggets on top of the spa every day and night and if he can just.get.back.there then he's doing ok for himself.

So - I see P slowly slinking in the bushes - he's orange he's not hard to miss. There is Spike, eating dirt and licking himself occasionally. There is Mooch, atop her water filled perch eating her breakfast.

Mooch knows Pumpkin is there. She is crouched more than usual over her fare and a slight growl is coming from her.

Spike finally realizes that there is a new smell in the yard - so like all good watchdogs he runs into the security of the screened in porch and looks around.

Slowly, P makes his move. Creeping towards the spa. Step.by.step.

S begins to run for the back door and is looking at me in sheer panic.

"Mommy - there's something back there!" His eyes scream.

But M - she slowly straightens up and makes her way down the steps - pretending that she doesn't see a thing.

S sees she's down and figures - if the bad ass cat is ok I guess its ok for me.

So S screams out of the porch bounding his was over to Moochie.

"Wanna play? Huh? Do ya? Wanna Play?"

M stops in her tracks and gives S a dirty look over her shoulder.

"Get outta her kid! We have an intruder!"

At this point I am sitting very still. Who am I to disturb the wild kingdom that is going on in my back yard. I do notice that the hose is to my right and is always at the ready. I have ammo and I am willing to spray whatever I need to.

S crouches down in the play stance as M slowly creeps towards the orange furball in the brush.

Then Pumkin leaps from the bushes - sprinting towards the spa..

"I just need a nugget - just one" he screams in desperation.

M is in full chase. Spike is frozen in fear.

Pumpkin makes it to the top of the spa and is looking down at Mooch.

"I won! I won! I won!" he taunts her with his swinging tail.

She lowers her body - ready to leap.

Spike jumps on her because he wants to play.

She swats Spike. Spike runs back into the porch crying.

And Pumpkin? He's enjoying his salmon flavored treats.

So, Ma?

When your kid starts off the conversation like that - I don't know about you but my butt puckers and my heart starts to race.

"So Ma? What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"

Whew...Close one....

"Nothing - HB has to go to his daughters game tonight."

"So, Ma? When is it that the passion ends?"

See - I told you it was coming.

"What? The passion? What are you talking about?"

She continues....And I am looking for the nearest exit.

" I just want to know how long into a relationship does it start? When you stop celebrating Valentines Day?"

Maybe she's blind? Maybe she didn't realize it was my birthday last week? Didn't she see all he did for me? Maybe she's stupid? It has to be from that time she fell off the back of the couch when she was little. I knew it would cause some damage.

"Let face it Ma, HB isn't...Young anymore. I am sure you don't like going to bed at 9 o'clock on such a special day."

Actually - nowadays I am in bed before him. I like sleeping. I like my bed. What the hell...?

"J, everyday is Valentines Day. Valentine's Day is all commercialism. It's something that Hallmark has created. It's a evil day you know. Men cannot win and women are always disappointed. It's a day that causes some happiness. But usually someone ends up crying by the end of the day."

I think that will be the end of the conversation. It made sense to me.

"If I were you I would demand something! I mean - you should at least get flowers or something!!!"

I sigh heavily....

"J, Flower companies jack the cost of flowers up ten fold. The florists are so busy that sometimes that can't make the delivery on time. Restaurants charge a flat fee to enter their doors - its $100.00 bucks just to sit down and eat...IF you can get a table. It's really not worth it!"

Ok - that had to sink in right?

"I just think its sad that you feel that way about it. I feel sorry for you."

Nope.

So then HB walks in. I repeat the conversation and hope that he can explain it better. He's college educated and doesn't have any type if speech impediment. I am sure he will be more eloquent.

So HB says...

"J, it's a sad thing when you are willing to accept that this is the one day that you expect someone to shower you with love and affection. Why can't they do special things for you everyday? Why does it have to be this one day?"

Ok - HB is doing good...I am so glad he walked in.

J thinks about it. Opens her mouth....(God, when will this be over?)

"I'm just saying. Everyone else is getting something. I better get something or I am going to be angry."

"J, everyday I treat your Mom well. I greet her with a smile and a good morning - I thank her for everything she does for me. I never take her for granted. You never hear me call her names. I kiss her on the forehead when I leave and I give her a hug when I get home. Even though we spend all day working together."

I am suddenly touched. He does do that and more. He washes this dishes at night. He will start a load of laundry and while I was at the spa this weekend he cleaned the whole house. Not because I asked him to...But because he wanted to. I had two pairs of shoes that had to go to the cobbler and I have been bitching about taking them over for two weeks. He did it. He brings my clothes to the cleaners - picks them up and goes on ice cream runs when J and I are whining about no dessert in the house.

But J - shrugs her shoulders and end her questions with....

"I'm just saying."

We dropped it there - but I went to bed (at 9) with a little more appreciation in my heart for HB. He is a good guy.

So when I woke up this morning I started the coffee and went to walk the dog. I returned to a lovely red 'Shoebox' card leaning on the computer.

Simply it said...

'Your all that I can ask for and more than I deserve.'

Love,

HB

B-Day week

I had an enjoyable B-Day week.

I went to the horse track last Sunday and won a few bucks.

Then HB treated me to a wonderful dinner Monday - that was followed with a dessert of green apple cotton candy.

We went and played the slot machines where I promptly lost all my horse track winnings.

I had a day at the spa on Saturday (that was way to long) and then went to Circus Solei (spelling?) followed by a "Bucket of Junk" (shrimp) at Bubba Gumps.

Then I spent this Sunday drinking two bottles of wine and eating cheese with G.

It doesn't suck being me.

Although I have quite a stomachache today that has been steadily growing and growling over the past week.

I figured the wine would kill any bacteria that may have been ingested - but me-thinks it may have made it worse.

But - I am alive and well have lived thru the gluttony, gambling and drinking that usually follows my birthday.

Now it's back to real life where I have to be Mom and clean the toilet and fold the laundry.

I enjoyed playing Queen for the week - but it's not something I can do forever.

I would either go nuts or my pseudo-slaves would soon try to overthrow my throne.

Eagerly awaiting next year.....

Happy Birthday to Meeeeeeeeeeee,,,,,,,

and to Kitty Kat's Grammy

and

my cousin in Indy

and

every other special person in the world celebrating this wonderful day!

Puppy Bowl II

I had to call my Mom about this one last night.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting for something to happen. An hour later I was still watching it.

I missed the real Super Bowl because of this.

It was mesmerizing.

You gotta check out the video clips. There is a white poodle in it named Barry.

He's a pain in the ass just like Spike.

But I would have given him the MVP award.

At least he was entertaining.

Back Fat

So G got me to go out with her to go shopping yesterday. I usually go along but don't buy anything - she on the other hand is a woman with a credit card and a dream.

Her dream is to own all the shoes available and conquer the world.

But I went because I needed a bra.

I have two - a white one and a black one. They were pretty beat up - worn every other day with corresponding outfits they had more miles on them then the Indy 500.

So - watching QVC the other day they were selling bras and the woman asked why there where three sets of hooks on the back of a bra.

(For those of you that can wear little clip in the front bras or two tiny lace triangles with a skinny back strap - this will be educational for you too. Just in case it's a question at your next Trivial Pursuit party)

Bra design is an art. The engineering that goes into lifting / separating and pushing together is amazing.

The women selling the bras said that the back strap stretches with wear. When you first buy a bra it should be set on the first set of hooks. As the strap stretches out with wear the rest of the hooks are "indicators" so that you know its time to go buy a new bra. If you get to the third row of hooks your way past your "new bra" due date and you might as well be going braless.

Who knew? Things you learn while watching QVC!

So - you walk into the store and the choices are vast. Some are pretty. Dainty. Flowers and lace. Some are not as pretty - huge utility straps made of extra strength elastic. You can hear them scream in fear as you walk by.

I have a type I prefer. Not a brand. I am really not particular who makes it - I just want to make sure it contains the...Back fat.

Now...What in the heck does your back fat have to do with your front you ask?

The lady with the measuring tape will tell you....Your A..Let's say a 36c.

But I am telling you...If your over the age of 30 / have had a kid or have an extra ounce on your body - you MUST account for the back fat.

When you put on the the engineered lace - your shape changes. It's putting your body in positions that your boobs haven't seen since you were 16 and perfect. But - they don't account for all that extra skin and flab that you have accrued over the following 20 years too.

So all of a sudden that perfect size and great looking bra you thought you could fit into is making you into a a lumpy, dumpy mess.

You need extra material to contain all that stuff (or I will call it fluff -to not make it sound so bad).

So in all actuality - to get all the other fluff in order you must add two inches in the back and go up a cup size. So now you are a 38D.

Therefore, you must go over to the "other" section that you hate. The ones that your gramma used to wear.

You want to know what Victorias Secret is...She doesn't make pretty bras for fat people. Don't tell anyone..I am just sharing it with you. But that way - you won't go in there with the expectation that you will walk out looking like Tyra Banks.

So you opt for the ones with the wide back straps. The ones with the super-heavy duty elastic over the shoulders. The huge cups that you can recycle into a nice bonnet for a small child when your done with it.

Usually bra shopping is horrible. Its right up their with buying a bathing suit. Or trying on pair after pair of jeans.

There is one thing that I recommend you bring with you when you go. A friend.

The larger sizes in pretty looks are few and far between. Its like trying to find a pair of size 14 pants in a sea of size 2s.

So - grab as many as you can - and while your trying on your over the shoulder boulder holders on have a friend out there scouring the racks. Anything she can find in your size - have her grab it and bring it to you so you don't give up!

You will come to grips with your back fat and your fluff and after trying on 20 bras - you will finally walk out with two.

A black one and a white one.

Roast beef and a side of vaginas

In my recent search for local plastic surgeons, I have been going thru their picture galleries - seeing whose work I like and who impresses me.

If I find a photo that I really relate to - I will print it and say...."Can you make my neck look just like this?"

Now - if I listen to my Gramma I am perfect just the way I am - but just as a lady wants a nose job - I want a neck job. I am also looking at pics of perky boobies and smoother thighs - but if I had to pick the one thing that truly bothers me - it's my neck.

It's a family thing. No matter how thin or thick one gets our necks have a drop to them. Not that we don't have strong chins or great faces.

I watched Sandra Bullock this weekend in Miss Congeniality II. The move was awful - but there is something about her that I find beautiful....She has the perfect neck.

So - back to my vagina.

Well - we aren't going to actually talk about my vagina we are going to talk about the 20 women who have been to this surgeon for vaginal rejuvenation.

Of course, it was purely for scientific research - as I also heard yesterday morning that more than 84% of women take to looking at their undercarriage regularly.

They had before and after pics. Just like the infomercials on TV every Sunday morning where the person is slouching and sticking their bellies out. Or the ones where in one picture they are frowning or furrowing their brow. Then in the next picture - they are lean machines - or their skin is tight and taught. You know which ones I am talking about?

So - I am looking and although not a professional, I couldn't understand what these women found so unappealing about their vaginas!!!

Did someone say something to them about it? Like their boyfriends or husbands?

Was this dinner conversation between the two of them???

"Honey - I think you need a tuck."

"You mean a tummy tuck?"

"No - a vagina tuck....Yours isn't as pretty as...."

Or - is this just self obsession and when you have nothing else to complain about or have fixed on your body you find that your vagina is just not cute enough?

Now - these were not photos of someone who needed surgery because they needed their organs tucked back in - don't misunderstand.

How can I say this so that it's not crude...But graphic enough so that you can have a visual???

hhhmmmmm.....Ok...

This was going into a deli and ordering a roast beef sandwich on a Kaiser roll. But telling the sandwich maker that you didn't want any of the roast beef hanging over the sides of the roll...You wanted it tucked into the bread so you couldn't see it.

Get it?

I don't.

Welcome

To my birthday month!

I will be celebrating my 18th plus 20 - or is it my 17th plus....I am so damn old I cannot remember.

I celebrate birthday month because this is the only time it can be about ME!

I milk it for all it's worth because after my birthday month I just go back to being me, Nelle , Mom or Honey. Not that I don't like my life - but I am hoping for the lottery to come in this Saturday because - I really have other things that I would like to do.

What is that you say? Really - a whole lot of nothing. I would like to do nothing. Have nothing to do. That's the beauty of it.

So - my birthday month started last Friday - because my parents were in for their annual party and I was taken to a yummy in the tummy place to eat. I am waiting for my present - its supposed to show up any day - I am really exited because they always get me what I want. My Mom listens to what I say and ...Bing...There it is.

HB - I give him one thing - because his memory is as bad as mine. I have given him an item to buy me that I could go buy myself - but I would rather have someone buy it for me. I am odd like that.

I remember when I was giving my Christmas list to Santa - She said - why don't you just go and get these things!?! Because honestly they are little things you really don't need - things you can do without - or work around. It's just that everytime I am doing that thing - I always wish I had the item I asked for available.

So - Christmas and my Birthday are perfect times to be spoiled with those things.

Hopefully my journey will start tonight as my Big Day lands on a Tuesday. The only thing I want to do on Tuesday is watch American Idol in my PJ's.

It's early yet - soooo... I will wait for the fanfare to begin in a little while...

I hope they don't forget!