Air gun

I don't like Doctors. The only Doctor I remember seeing regularly was the Dentist.

I was never a pleasant experience - and still isn't today. I put it off until I MUST go and then..Problem solved.

My parents made me go to school every day.

Suck it up - puke? Here's a bag.

Flu? Take a few of these pills and go! Wait - I don't remember any pills either.

We suffered thru the aches and pains.

My brother needed his appendix out once...He made it to the hospital in time thankfully.

All you need is a bandaid. You will feel better later on.

So - I have always powered thru it.

I also cannot wait to get better. I never finish a prescription and at the first sign of normalcy..I'm up.

I have been having some serious back problems. Don't know why. Went the the back Doctor. HB made me. Usually it gets better on its own. So far - still hurting.

Met the Doc. His name is Dr. Something but he prefers Dr. Jeff.

QUACK. (Someone hear a duck?)

He has this air gun. First meeting - 5 minutes. Me, Dr. Jeff and the air gun.

Ok - see you 3 times a week - we will make you feel better soon.

Second meeting - today.

Dr Jeff and his air gun.

I pointedly ask him. Are you going to touch me? Massage me? Crack my back? ANYTHING?

Then he explains that this airgun applies more pressure than his hands - blah blah blah and its a much better device on psi and blah blah blah.

Ok - so that means he is not going to touch me.

Oh - then he adds. It really works well on heavy people too. (Dude, did you just call me fat?)

Yes - I am feeling better - but I always feel better after a while. That's what a backache does.

I do not believe in his airgun. I think he's full of crappola. I think he called me fat.

I do not like Dr. Jeff.

Quack Quack Quack!

The Vikings are coming

So after my recent trip I made a fan. A nice lad who will be in the States in a few months.

Since I am unable to travel without calling in the Calvary - I asked if he would be able to come this way.

He accepted.

Can I tell you how excited I am that I am getting a visitor from another country???

I mean a visitor from out of state is nice. But - believe me when I tell you...His country is other worldly.

Imagine the moon. That's Iceland.

Florida has trees...And ocean (that you can swim in!) and real Mojitos and SUN!!!

We also have a fantastic nightlife and it gets dark outside..So...He will enjoy...Darkness.

I am concerned about the weather. It is Hurricane season and he's coming right in the middle of it.

HB tells me to steer clear of Monkey Jungle. Parrot Jungle and the Seaquarium. They have whales in their waters...They will think it's cheesy. But what's wrong with a Monkey?

He looks forward to getting in the ocean. Riding jetskis and sunning his buns.

I introduced him to Mimosa's. He would like those when he's here. Why they can't make that crap in Iceland - I don't know. He thinks it a brilliant breakfast beverage...So I will pretend that it's my own special concoction. (Shhhh - don't let them know)

Mimosa Recipe

1 bottle Champagne
1 bottle OJ
2 Glasses.

Pour the champagne in the glass. When its almost full add a drop of OJ for color.
Top with a lovely slice of orange.

Wahla...

I'm a genius...Who would have thought it would be so simple.

He will have such a great time...I cannot wait.

This is too cool!

The News

Buy Coke. We (and I mean my Mom and Dad) own it. It's the same as being 12 and saying "we are rich". I think they bought some for J once. So - since she is a minor - does that mean I can cash her out and live on her millions?

Ann Coulter - People - she's trying to sell books. I don't like what Mr. Moore makes movies about - but he's got an audience for it. He's a millionaire and needs a trainer. Ann - she's a millionaire and probably needs to get laid. Change the channel if you don't like her. I got one for you...Don't buy her book. She will go away soon. It's not like she's running for President.

Zarqawi - He's dead - dead - dead. I am very happy. Now let's get the other towel head OBL hiding in Afghanistan and call it a day already. By the way...Good Job! I hope the military lets you have a beer and hot shower and ships in a few "working ladies" for the evening. You guys rock!!!

NBA Finals - Miami Heat Baby!

Cervical Cancer Vaccine - Hell to the yes! I was advised of so many great drugs in Europe that America would never let me bring back with me. If it hasn't been approved - in the trashcan it goes. (Along with my lighter - by the way). Keep up the good work and parents - please let your kids get it. Don't turn a blind eye to the fact that Missy or Jr. Are probably going to a STD (50% do) and HPV is the leading cause of cervical cancer. Help them out now...Before its to late.

Brad and Angelina - On marriage....Not gonna happen. Making babies...That was fun. Let's do it again! (Oddly enough I get this creepy dejavu thing - didn't Mia Farrow and Woodey Allen do this kinda thing?)

Teresa Stiles - A woman who just returned a lockbox that fell off the back of a Brink's truck (It contained $40k). Does she get a reward? Maybe this is when you pat her on the back and tell her she's a good human being. You are, Ms. Stiles...I would have at least rolled all over it naked first...In oil..To see what sticks...And then...Return the rest.

Sharon Nichols and Terri Sutton - Two 911 dispatchers who chastised a 5 year old boy for calling them telling them that his Mommy had collapsed. By the time someone got there Mommy was dead. I have nothing funny to add to this...News is sometimes very sad.



This is J's Mom signing off, San Diego!

I told you so....

Your Personality Is Like Alcohol

You're the life of the party, a total flirt, and probably a pretty big jokester. Sometimes your behavior gets you in trouble, but you still remain socially acceptable. You're a pretty bad driver, and you're dancing could also use a little work!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

We belong....together

Happy Monday!

Spent my weekend indulging in all things American. Had to refuel my soul and add to the garbage can that has become my body.

Burgers - Starbucks and Marlboro's with little warning logos on the side of the pack as opposed to... "SMOKING KILLS AND CAUSES A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH" or just pictures of black lungs on a pack o' smokes.

I filled up on Meat Lovers Pizza and then watched The Break Up while eating extra buttered popcorn mixed with snickers popables. Oh yeah - and a Diet Coke.

Did the beach thing. Jumped in the mighty blue ocean and shopped at Old Navy.

I am now feeling sick and drinking water. Gluttony - one of the seven deadly sins....I am feeling the wrath today.

I did do a little shaking of the bootay last night. In my qwest to see all the 80's bands concerts that I wasnt allowed to see when I was a teen.

Ms. Pat Benatar. Went with G and her girly D. HB went and was concerned he would lose his man-card. But - he wasnt alone. There were plenty of guys there. So - they were gay....but he wasnt the only guy.

I tried to take pics on the sly as they said no cameras....So the pics I am posting suck! But - if you squint and pretend...and use your imaginations....

She rocked - she has such a rock and roll voice and hit every note.

We need more Strong Women Rock Songs. I felt so empowered singing and bouncing along to her stuff.

Felt 13 again.

I'm back!

Returned Tuesday night and still can't get my heads out of the foggy clouds. I am beat.

I have been trying to do the sleep thing - but I look forward to sleeping in a bit this weekend to make up for whatever it is that's ailing me.

Went to the land of Ice. Better weather - not perfect - but better than going in October.
Held onto my luggage like it was my job and it made it over with me this time. I feel so much better walking into a joint in my own clothes - wearing my own makeup and shoes.

The Icelandic men were as lovely as ever. I think they are a beautiful species. They would only use an American woman for sexual escapades. None of them would marry me. Believe me, I asked. I guess it's for the best - their belief system is totally different than ours and I think it would be a rocky marriage. So - since I have already set myself up for the impending divorce - I guess I will stick with the men from the good ol' USA.

But it doesn't make them any less hot!

Moment of whining....They are in constant daylight. The shades provided didn't cover the entire window. So peeks of daylight at 2 in the morning makes for a terrible sleep.

Lack of eggs. Being an ugly American - I like eggs. Fried - over easy with...Sausage and...Potatoes. Chicken products and American breakfasts were a hard find so I was limited to one meal a day. I did eat Minke Whale one evening and to my surprise it was very, very good.

J was livid when she found out - because they are quite cute. But- when you live a stones throw from the North Pole - you eat what you can get. It's not like I ate Flipper - which apparently is just as good as Minke (so they say).

The Cuban drink Mojito was flowing like water and I did a sing a long to a nice Viking diddy. I have pics of some stuff - but I don't know if I should share it. People were drunk and a little crazy and since I didn't get a signed release - my pics will stay on my phone for my own personal pervy review.

If they don't buy from me - I will pull them out as needed.

Last time I went - I was accompanied by the boys and we noticed a semi - homo (gay) tendency with them all. They kiss men/men on the lips, they hug a lot and one guy had no problems getting on his knees and performing a "fake" fellatio on one of his co-workers. They all laughed - and kept singing.

These are macho men. In the States...An act like that would be followed by someone getting smacked on the side of the head.

Different strokes for different folks. I guess they are all confident in their masculinity enough to not sweat the small stuff. God bless them.

I then went to the land of Ire (Eire). Did you know it was a Republic? Once again my half assed education served me well while talking to the customs agent that was going to allow me into his country.

Customs: "So, how long will you be in the Republic?"

Me: "The Republic ooooffffffff?" Like he was going to give me a hint.

I guess he thought I was harmless - he let me in. Who knew.

My landing was greeted by a VERY empty airport. Apparently - I arrived during a hurling match.

Do you know what hurling is? Me neither. Hurling to me is something I did in Iceland after too many Mojitos.

Its kind of like hockey - on a field - but not. Looks like baseball - but its not. It's a game that shuts everything down.

I waited 15 minutes for a cab in an empty airport - due to this match. Good news was the games only last like 35 minutes - so I showed up at a good time.

Ireland was comfortable. It felt like home. As much as I had wished the plane was headed home I am glad that I got to go for the day.

The gentlemen I visited much preferred to drink than eat. I resorted to asking the bar guy to share his ham sandwich with me that he brought from home. When I finally got to a place where they served food - it was the fare I am used to...No strange ingredients. I knew what was on my plate. Steak - potatoes - veggies. Served along with a nice pint and good stories. I liked those guys. I would go back.

Met a man whose accent was so strong - spoke so fast that even the men that were from there - couldn't catch half of what he said. So - when he would laugh at the end of his story...So would I.

I added a photo above because I made them take me to this place as it bears my name. I am very proud I remembered to get a photo of it before the dark ale took over my brain.

I am so glad I am home. Already had eggs - McDonald's and Diet Coke not Coke Light.

Missed you all too....

Have a great weekend!