Yummy, Gunmetal.

Yesterday a man was detained at the airport in Iraq. Trying to leave town. He was detained because he had traces of explosives on his hands. Earlier that day, a huge car bomb had exploded and many people died. He's being held for questioning. Ya think?

My line of questioning of these people, would be for them to suck on the barrel of a shotgun. I may not kill ya but I bet you will crap your pants, beg for mercy and shoot yourself because I am a bitch like that.

This is from Iraq. We have given them democracy. So regretfully we cannot make them taste the barrel of a shotgun.

But there is something to be said about instilling fear in criminals. I do not agree with Sadam's reign and his need to gas and kill the towns that were against him. But - to reign with an iron fist is all some people seem to know. You would have never seen the fighting and destruction in Iraq if we blew them up properly. We keep giving people chances. Chances to explain and defend themselves.

For example - When Sadam's posse came in front of the courts. Some of them actually thought that since they had given us information that they would be set free. That is what people think of America. They'll give you a second chance, they are Americans.

Al -Sadir holed up in a mosque. America wouldn't blow it up - its a holy shrine. In my world you and your stained glass asses would have have never seen the light of day.

Eventually, he said he was sorry and we let him go. I promise you - that will not be the last that you will hear of him.

I watched the RNC last night. Ron Silver was one of the speakers. He started off the convention with "We will never forget and will will never forgive". Speaking of the three thousand human beings that were killed on Sept. 11, 2001.

But - as he was speaking. Outside on the streets of NYC a police officer was knocked off his cart and kicked repeatedly in the face by a demonstrator.

He was probably with one of those groups fighting against the war in Iraq.

Chef who?

Preparing for Francis I decided to get a few days worth of supplies just in case we get creamed.
Well - this is the first time I can ever remember that I am getting really serious about a storm. There were some that frightened me and I hightailed it to a safer place. But as far as going and buying the whole canned goods thing....never did it.

Well - I live in a different place and I know I may have to leave my home so I am making sure that if I have to evacuate I will at least have something to eat for a few days.

They recommend canned goods. Well - I like canned veggies. I like green beans and spinach. There is something about the overcooked veggie in a can that makes me crazy. I grab 6 of them (the big economy size) - 3 each. I know it will get eaten if the hurricane passes me by. Then I move to the tuna. I like tuna. I prefer it with mayo - but I know that's not an option so I throw a 6 pack in the cart. Then I go over to the soups. I decide not to go with a soup because they all are gelatin glops when you open them and I really don't like cold soup in the form of jello - so I keep moving.

I come to Chef Boyardee. I remember him as a small child. Then somewhere in my teenage years I remember grabbing a can from the back cabinet to make myself a snack. (It was probably left over from the last hurricane preparation - I don't ever remember my parents serving it to us as a meal). I remember a horrible sauce and chewy meat. Ground Meat in a can. When eating it you get a strange film on the roof of your mouth - I don't know if that's from the sauce or the meat. Bleecch.

I know that a spaghetti and sauce dinner will cost you about $3 if you make it yourself. It will go up a couple of more bucks if you want meat in it. It's better than what you will get in a can and it feeds a family.

But I know that if we lose electric that type of meal is not an option. So - I stare at the cans. I buy beefaroni and ravioli. The cans are $2.99 each. I hope that HB and J wont be very hungry. I buy 6.

"Why didn't you buy more?" says HB. I think that that along with the gigantic jar of peanut butter and loaf of bread - we have enough to last a week.

Plus - what will I do with those huge cans of crap when November comes?

A lightbulb goes off - every year around November the schools ask for your canned goods.

Heeeeyyyy - its for a good cause!!!!!

Evil twins

Nice to see the the BB5 household knew what to do last night. The evil twins are now split. A is gonna find it hard to make it without her "bully" sis at her side. When Natalie isnt around A turns into a blubbering mess.

I am sure Cowboy sighed a huge sigh of relief.

Now - Marvin is the HOH. Cannot wait to see who he puts up. I am thinking Nakomis will be on the block for some reason. She knows how to play the game.

With a Song in my heart.

Reading my mothers blog and her long trip upon Delta airlines is a common thing. Though Delta is my absolute fave airline ever, what they hold in safety, they lack in services. But they do have a new little sister. Her name is Song. Song is Deltas try at a low-cost airline. With competition such as Jetblue (from what I hear is a great airline) they (Delta) totally impressed me.

Let's start with the aircraft. Brand-spanking new 757's. Though my favorite airplane they flew was the L1011 (I felt very safe for some reason in the vveerryy old and large shaky plane) the 757 offers something wonderful. They have TV's!!!

Yes, my boob tube pals a lovely TV - just for me. HB had one too. Oh - with channels!!! With TLC and HGTV I was in heaven!!!

Anyone who has ever flown and been offered a movie on the flight (which is not free by the way) knows the disappointment that comes with ordering that film. The screen is usually 10 rows up and people refuse to lower their shades(they want to look at the sky). The little headphones were horrible and people always seemed to walk the aisle during the good part.

But these - They had a interactive trivia system and you could compete with other passengers in row 8D. One category was musical trivia. HB won.

But that's not all they offered - here's the fun part. Martinis - shaken or stirred. At 4 bucks they proved to have quite the kick as the flight attendant wanted to show off his drink making skills. They also had movie snacks. Also 4 bucks, you could have the cheese and crackers with fruit or the movie time snack bowl with chips and salsa.

Also unlike their big sister. They took off on time and I arrived early both times at my destinations. Granted, they don't have to stop in Hotlanta - they are for direct flights up and down the east coast.

I know that they only fly a limited route. But - if you ever have the choice....

I want you to sing a song all the way to the airport!

I love my bed.

I have finally returned from my trip and I have come to the conclusion that I have the most comfortable bed ever. During my trip - I stayed at some very nice hotels. The kind where they turn down your bed at night and leave chocolates for you on your pillows. But - they were either too hard - the pillows were too soft. It was nothing like home - my bed is just right.

I did enjoy my trip. My first venture into the huge city called NYC. I really liked that city. I wouldn't want to live there. I don't think high-rise living is for me. But the little intermingled cities and the contrast of one ethnicity to another in only a one block walk was quite amazing.

For example - one day I was shopping in Chinatown. I was hungry for lunch and walked a few blocks to the north and I was in Little Italy. The change of venue was apparent. Like night and day.

The smell of Times Square is something I will never get used to. I think because there are no public bathrooms - people use the streets. It smelled quite a bit like a porta-potty. If you are easily sickened my smells - the porta-potty smell along with the street vendors cooking food along the street will make anyone feel a little nausea.

Greenwich Village smelled great. Like someone had lit a scented candle for me as I walked the streets.

I also was very intimate with a NYC street. As anyone will tell you - the tourists look up. I did and didn't see the curb. So down I went. I was quite graceful in my fall - I think I scored at least a 9.5.

I took the subway to the Bronx and saw a Yankee game. The subway wasn't my most favorite part of the trip though. I was told to 'mind my own business' and keep my eyes to the ground. A terrible thing to do to a 'people watcher' like me.

Looking around NYC - I wondered how a handicapable person gets around. There are no dips in the curbs and stairs are everywhere. The doors are very narrow and usually require a step or two to enter.

My visit to Cape Cod was nice. It's very pretty and the flowers are in full bloom. The water was terribly cold. I think that the people that were at the beach don't know any better. The Florida seas are much, much warmer.

Boston was cool. I had a beer at 'Cheers' and saw some lovely homes on Beacon Hill. I stopped at a cemetery where folks have been buried since the 1600's (now that's old). The creepiest part there was a monument with a picture of some people standing in the same place I was looking at. The photo was over 100 years old. Nothing in the picture had changed. The house in the background, the broken headstones. I feel a little weird after that. (You know I see dead people).

Newport was disappointing. It was foggy at 12 o clock noon. HB said it was quaint. I saw a Gap. There is nothing quaint about the Gap.

Times change. Some people say you can never go home.

But - I can say I made it home.

And it was my best sleep all week.

Damn Yankees

Ok - I am leaving to go to the Greater Northeast. I will be visiting Boston, Cape Cod, Newport and New York. All in one week on a whirlwind tour. Not staying very long at any one place but apparently long enough to get the jist of what it's all about.

Many people when traveling in the above mentioned states - talk about shopping. Its been a frequently asked question since I have told people my travel plans.

My plans are..to eat.

I plan on having a lobster dinner on Boston Harbor - Clams in Cape Cod and Clam chowder in Newport. I plan on eating a slice of NY pizza, tasting a bagel and eating pastrami at the Broadway Deli.

I am heading to a real NY Yankee game in Yankee stadium. I plan on having a hotdog and a cold brewski. I think I will also buy a hotdog from a street vendor. Maybe a pretzel.

I also want a cheesecake for dessert.

I feel you should never go anywhere without a plan.

Talk to you all in a week!

1st Day!!!

Today is the 1st day of a (hopefully) positive journey in Miss J's life. Today was the first day of a new school - new clothes and new friends.

She looked cute in her little uniform. Freshly scrubbed face and new shoes. Little bible in hand.

Shes very excited and is really looking forward to making some new friends. The cute buys don't hurt either.

Everyone cross your fingers and say a little prayer.

NeeNee is coming into town for a week Tuesday night. Thankfully she is a morning person. I was barely awake walking thru the dark house trying to find the kitchen in hopes of coffee!

Jacquis very excited and knows she's in good hands - they will be planning dinners and making schedules. She's NeeNee's girl.

Two hours down and five more to go.

Run for your lives

Ok - is it just me or are we still a little freaked out by Andrew circa 1992?

The weather channel and all the local stations are a constant mantra - please evacuate. So, people are. Then there are photos of long lines of cars on US1 tring to get to the mainland. Or shall I say - long lines of cars on the 7 mile bridge.

I would much rather be in a house located in the Keys (most of them dated pre Andrew) than on a bridge when a hurricane comes a calling. Is it just me?

Give me four concrete walls and land beneath my feet. Somehow - I think I will be ok.

Give me a concrete platform with nothing but ocean below me with miles between me and the land.

What are you- freakin' crazy????

He pees on stuff? What?

Ok - last night on BB5 - the most horrible man was voted off last night. Not one of the houseguests was sad to see him leave. Well, one but I think hes gay.

Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Hey, hey, hey, Goodbye!!!

So during one of the interviews - Nakomis (Jennifer) says the many reasons shes voting him off is that he pees on stuff.

Did I miss that episode?

BB5 tonight

Ok - BB5 fans. Is tonight the night Jase is gonna go? Has he been able talk his way off the block? Has Marvin gotten a case of cockilockitis and rubbed people the wrong way?

Find out tonight - on Big Brother 5
CBS @ 8 EST.

Obstacle One - Check

Ok - on the J private school front. Today was kid orientation. This is where no parents are allowed. Just new kids and team leaders.

What is a team leader? A team leader is another kid - that is well respected in the school for some reason. Be it sports or brainiac. The other kids admire and listen to these few kids.
The team leaders are the go-between between other students and the administration.

For example - if a team leader sees a fellow student do something not cool. The team leader then will say something to the kid. It is said to work better than the teacher telling them to do stuff.

Well, apparently not only are they respected. But, from what I understand...very cute too.

So, needless to say they got Ms. J's attention rather quickly.

They were also very nice to her because her Uncle is the football coach. Which never hurts when your the new kid.

So - she left the party in smiles and giggles of glee.

We get to go Friday night too. WooHoo.

I have already been told that it is EXPECTED of me to look cute. I am not allowed to attend the function if I am grubby in any way.

AS IF!!!

Trading up?

**Mom - if you didn't watch the episode last night - please pass this post**

Trading Spouses. If you read NeeNee's post yesterday you understand the premise of the show and what has been occuring in the recent episode.

Well - last night was part two and the end of this families visit together.

Having seen the first episode with another family - I figured that this show would end like a storybook "and they all lived happily ever after".

This show tugged at my heartstrings and I felt a lump in my throat the size of California. It was mainly due to this one mother named Lisa. Now, Lisa wasn't a bad person. She had feelings just like the next guy. But her tough love views and demeanor just didnt go off well at all.

Her children (and husband) were very nice to their visiting Mom and they gladly welcomed the change. I think they are going to miss the blonde visitor that made everything "positive" in their world. They told the visiting mother they 'loved her' as she left which in kidspeak is 'thank you'.

Lisa's new family couldn't get her out of the house quick enough. There were no warm words. No goodbyes.

Now granted - no one made Lisa feel welcome or comfortable thru her stay. Lisa was brutally honest with the children. She was too honest for the cameras about the children. Hurt feelings and bruised egos were left in her path. So - the saying what comes around goes around was in full force during this episode.

Hopefully, Lisa watched this episode and learned that words hurt.

There was a scene where the girlfriends of her host family just tore her up. I think that they were unfair and mean at times. They made fun of her - and said horrible things.

At the end of the episode - when Lisa returned home it only took her family 3 hours to walk away from her. She was on a roll.

Lisa needs to learn from this if she can. Regretfully, she will probably say..."see how awful they were to little ol me?"

The one good thing that came from this sad ending is hopefully that Lisa's kids will take that short week of "positive" and not let the "negative" bring them down.

Too close for comfort...

BB5 was on last night. It was a nail biter til the very end. I have to say something about CBS. They have finally gotten it right. The cast. The rules. The editing. Its wonderful!!!

So - lets discuss.

I talked about the 6 finger plan. Remember when I said IF something could go wrong it will. Well - Jase wasn't as stupid as I thought and he figured it out. But - the genius part was that he didn't figure out the WHOLE plan as he was still trying to get the remaining horsemen to give him a shot. Is he crazy?!? Even if he is the best person to be up against in the end (hes a true ass) if you saved him this round your stock would fall in the den of females (oh and Will).

So Drew, who is having a little kissy face time with Diana (Ok - this is a couple that needs to be separated quickly. Along with those twins) was wondering if he should even use the POV at all. He figured Diana was safe. No one would vote for her. Its just a week earlier for Marvin - they will get Jase next time. She AGREED!!!

At this point I have my trusty pillow in hand - shredding it to bits. I keep getting up and pacing. Js saying "Mommy your scaring me".

They show Drew in the Diary room. Talking about lying to Jase. Jase did so much for him.... Blah, blah, blah. (Diana - Drew is a pussy. Drop him now before it's too late).

Everyone is counting on him. He seems so pained about a plan that was devised weeks ago. He doesnt realize that this decision is not up to him. This is something he must do. If he fails this mission both he and the lovely Diana will pay.

So - as the clock is winding down...he stands in front of the group. And....

Uses the Power of Veto.

JASE IS ON THE BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F.U. - Where's my money!!!

Boy - I am a jabberjaw today.

I mentioned the AH in another post and I thought I would just share the distain I have for the AH.

The AH is a miserable little worm. Whos (it thinks) tortured life sticks with it till this very day. So it is the AH's mission to climb out of its little hole every few months and make everyone as miserable as it is.

The AH says mean and belitting things about everything and everyone in its path. Its the only way that the AH thrives. To hurt feelings and cause little girls to cry. The AH giggles at the pain it causes. AH is a true masochist.

AH is very tricky - because it knows it can sweet talk anything. Its what has gotten it thru life.
So - if you are not as experienced dealing with the AH - you may be lured in. Only to get vomited on by it's vile bile. Be careful because that's how it feeds.

The AH truly doesnt bother me anymore. I am very used to its ways. I no longer can be controlled by its wrath. I am lucky I escaped. But my reward dealing with the AH has been a lovely. To me, dealing with the AH has been worth it when I look at my prize.

The AH is breeding again and hopefully its spawn will not have to endure the mental torture the AH spews daily.

But it will happen again - the AH can't help himself.

Family Plots

Last night in my reality TV search - I came across a show called Family Plots. Its the reality show version of one of my FAVORITE shows on HBO...Six Feet Under. Some people might think that my TV watching is mindless. But - I do have to say that after the shows it make for good group discussions. What would you do? How would you handle it?

The first common thing we all stated was...what would make someone want to be a mortician? To surround yourself with sadness and heartache. Death and destruction. We have decided that most funeral homes are family and its just the call of order. This is what you do. This is your future.

And with that, on both the movie version and the reality version. These family's don't seem so happy. Death of children effect them daily. The loss of the much loved spouse and father when they too are trying to attain such adoration and failing miserably.

Then there is the discussions with the families on the ways to proceed with the burial/cremation or whatever.

This has always been a touchy subject with everyone as they don't want to think about their demise. But - I think its important to tell your family your wishes and HOPE that they follow them. It seems that that is a constant source of fighting during a most sad time. What to do with the body.

Some believe in burial. Or the Mos (so they aren't in the ground). Some want to be cremated others frozen for another day. There are burials at sea and some thrown into the wind.

On Six Feet Under - Nates wife died. Her family wanted her cremated and then placed in the family Mos. Nate knew his wife's desires and shared them with the family. They denied him and told him to proceed as they wished.

He filled a box with unknown ashes and gave them to the family. Nate then took Lisa (his wife) out to a beautiful field and underneath the tree he buried her.

I thought that was beautiful. Sad scene. Illegal in most states. But still beautiful.

I have always said I didn't want to be buried in a cemetery - though I find them to be very interesting places. Most of my vacations include a stop in a cemetery or two. But - because of my stops - I decided that as these people have come and gone. So have their families. Most headstones are old in disrepair. Weeds replace flowers. Neglect, neglect, neglect. Each one was a person with a very interesting story that has been buried with them. No one visits - except the occasional cemetery lookieloo (like me).

I deciced I wanted to be cremated. I then want everyone to dress in light colors and rent a pretty boat. I want them to serve shrimp and horse ovaries. I want everyone to drink and I want a great soundtrack coming thru the sound system. I then want everyone to kiss my urn and say something nice about me. Then plop me in the ocean and continue the party dancing to"Brown Eyed Girl".

So shall it be written - so shall it be done.

Fart Machines

I have recently tricked the system and now have an ad for fart machines.

I don't need to buy a machine as I have two homegrown machines that compete with each other at the worse times.

Last night - J got a call from someone I will fittingly call the AH. It never fails when the AH calls to start some drama. Well, after she got off the phone with the AH I told her to come and sit on the couch with me and HB. We watched Gotti - then we ate cookies and milk (they always make you feel better). After the show HB said he wanted to retire for the evening but J and I still wanted to watch TV. So we all piled into the family bed. Well - we are by no means a petite crowd - so needless to say it was a little cramped. But J was laughing so that made it all worth it.

So while we were watching Airplane (a reality show that follows Southwest Employees around) the two of them start expelling gas. Sadly - I am in the middle and trapped!!! Its a dutch oven times 10!!!

The bed is shaking from giggles and the air unbreathable - there is no where to run. There is also the knowledge that if you try to make a break for it - you will get pulled down by the booby-trap blanket that gets thrown over your head forcing you to smell the stank even more.

So - I don't need no stinkin' fart machine. I have my own!

6 finger special

Somehow anything with six fingers makes me nervous. It's not natural and its not right. So somewhere in my gut - I am scared with fear.

What is the 6 finger special? Its a weird and wacky plan that has been devised by Nakomis on Big Brother.

She is going the long way around nominating and voting off someone. It sounds good in theory but you know the saying...if something can go wrong, it will.

The power of veto (POV) ceremony will be on Tuesday night. This is where her plan is supposed to come together. Everyone trusting everyone else.

You know the saying - dont trust the guy with the 6 finger discount.

I think someone is lying.

Find out - Tuesday at 8 on C.B.S.

Shut up and Sing!

Some of my most favorite bands have taken to the streets and are having concerts to raise funds for the Democrats. I am in a quandry about this - as I am a huge fan of two of them.

I know their songs are about equality - justice and choice. I enjoy the music and have my favorite songs that I know word for word.

But as with some great actors - I really don't want to hear what you think.

Why is it that you feel that because your profession allows you to be placed in front of a microphone that I want to hear you speak about politics?

Why do think I would pay to attend a concert where not one nice thing will be said about the current administration and turn into a bashing of America. For all the Dem's out there - let me say two words...Whoopi Goldberg. Oh wait...how about, Alec Baldwin. Lest not we forget about the...Dixie Chicks. Top that with Susan Sarandon and her paramour Tim Robbins and an outsider would think America really stinks.

So I say to the Pearl Jams and the U2's (Hey your from Ireland, what you say doesnt count)

Shutup and sing!

Weight in the Big Girls World

I was listening to a news report the other day on the way home. It stated that some larger people were very upset because anorexia is becoming a common trend. But - there never seems to be any sympathy for anyone who has a obsessive eating disorder. Heavy people are usually labeled lazy and told to put down the fork. Seems like an easy order. In a world where most actors are a size 2 and struggling (not eating) with staying that weight for fear of losing roles. Why would the world want the general public to follow suit?

I have always been a big girl. I don't blame anyone for my weight. Most of it is genetic. Most of it can be tapered with watching the food intake mixed with some movement.

I am just tired of hearing about it all the time. I grew up with a Gramma who was obsessed with the weight thing. She mentions weight everytime she sees you. Also a Grandfather who pointed out that you were bigger since the last time he saw you.

To this day - I have friends that monitor everything I put in my mouth. They want to discuss the fat content and cholesterol level. Whenever HB is feeling fat - everyone needs to follow suit and eat the way he deems acceptable.

It becomes hard to put a stitch of food in your mouth when you are around these people. Because you don't want to hear it. It gets old - really fast.

Its a shame because I know a lot of people that have been bigger all their lives (me). We have come to accept it and actually relish in our beauty. We can look in the mirror and feel comfortable in our skin. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to feel good about yourself - no matter what your size?!?

The majority of the females in the USA are a size 12-14. I know this to be a fact - because if you are that size - trying to find that size sometimes is a feat. There are plenty of 2 and 4s on the rack. Why - because most of America doesn't fit in that size. Actually I laugh at times. I think that even if I became skin and bones - I still wouldn't fit in that size.

Sadly - I came across this very subject this weekend with someone I hold very dear. Regretfully - she is too young to embrace her beauty and is feeling the same shame I did when I was younger. I have made it a rule for myself - that I would never ever mention the things that so bothered me when I was young to someone that young.

Like I said - bigger people look in the mirror. They know exactly what they are. Pointing it out doesn't make people change. You won't see someone leave the Doctors office and go buy a treadmill. It's only when the person it is effecting wants change.

I understand that most people say things out of concern - health reasons. But - if you don't know my medical history and bloodwork - then you need to butt out.

If it's effecting me because I cannot get out of bed, into the shower or walk 5 steps. That is a medical emergency. Then its your duty to get me some help.

We don't need a play by play everytime we choose to eat. All that does is make us want to eat alone. We eat when no one is around so we can enjoy our meal in peace. This never makes for healthy eating. Why must I eat standing in the kitchen alone when I could have eaten the same thing sitting at the table enjoying your company?

We are also not just a number on a scale. "Gee, that's an awfully high number" "You have such a pretty face if only..."

So when you come to visit my home - I am going to treat you like my father always did to us and company.

I will feed you till you burst. I will have enough drinks to go around. I will always have dessert. And the meal will be fun and enjoyable.

If you mention your diet or cholesterol while your there.

I will personally stick a bread roll in your mouth.

Ching-ching

Another weekend passes and more money goes flying. J starts school next week. I thought I would get off lucky because of the uniform thing. But - now I am investing in accessories. New glasses - ching. New shoes - ching. Lets not forget her hair and nails - ching-ching. I guess in the scheme of things I did get off lucky but my wallet is feeling a little empty.

The big event starts next week - everyone cross thier fingers and toes.

I hope it all goes well.

Horny Goat Weed

Now thats more like it!!!!!

ROFL!!!!!

Scott is Gone!

Big Brother was on last night. Scott is gone, gone,gone!!! He was as ass clown. He was mean and arrogant. I detested him.

He was actually shocked. "I was nice to them this week. Why didn't they fall for it?" Boo hoo hoo

Then - the Head of Household Competition. Jennifer (Nakomis) won!!! She's a little odd - but I think she will make the right decision and put up Jase and Marvin next week. Hopefully, Jase will not get the POV this week and then he can be voted out. He's the blonde Scott. Bleachhh.

Did anyone notice that when Jen won the HOH not one of the "Horsemen" got up and congratulated her?!?

Also - in a twist in the game. "A" Adria and her twin sister were introduced into the household. I don't know how that is all gonna work out.

It will be interesting indeed.

Punch

I like punch. The summer is here in full sizzle and I have become a pro at knock you on your ass punch. Its very tricky. It seems all sweet and wonderful and then POW!

HB is starting to go no carb crazy. So he 'suggests' that maybe I need to switch to something not a sugary. I say bah-humbug to him.

Its the summer. I am enjoying the beach and the sun and the long days. Soon - it will be too cold to swim and the nights will come quicker.

Life is passing you by ol man. My auntie had a great saying on her blog yesterday. I am going to print it and share it with him.

I have started Yoga. I go 3-4 times a week. It's very hard. HB thinks that I lie there and meditate for an hour everytime I go. Its actually a series of poses and postures that take all your muscles to hold.

If you are not in shape - you twitch and shake like a crackhead.

I am only a semi-crackhead at this point - but I am getting better every day. I come home sore and shaky, take a shower, sit in front of the TV and want to go to sleep. So when the weekend comes I want to enjoy it. Thats where the magical punch comes in.

Beer bloats me and makes me burp. Wine gives me a headache at the beach. Vodka and cranberry is a sipping drink - nothing to fun about that.

Punch is the way to go. And - because its so fruity and juicy you can start drinking it early in the morning.

Hell - its happy-hour somewhere in the world.

Trying to trick the system

Please bear with me. Anything has to be better than those ads. (I am not saying the word because apparently thats whats getting me in trouble.)

Starbucks - latte - coffee - and expresso.

Potty breaks and s___ breaks.

diapers and buckets

reality tv and real world. Queer Eye.

Gotti.

Maids and gardeners and pet sitters.

poop and farts

dogs and cats

smelly boys.

Teenage daughters.

Toothpaste? (I told you I am trying)

Nelle

New tv shows....woohoo

So last night I am flipping the tv. I come across a very interesting show.

Amish in the City. It was on UPN.

Here's a little useful knowledge for you. Amish do not go to school past 8th grade. Annnnd - Amish are allowed out into the world for one year. They then have the option of returning back to Amish life never to return to city life again. Or - they can choose city life - never to return to Amish land again and be shunned by their families for the rest of their life. Amen.

This show is depicting just that. Its like 5 Amish and 5 regular city folk living together in LA.
They are learning about each other. The Amish don't know much about regular culture - but they know carpentry and God. But they are learning how to live together and the regular city folk are showing the Amish kids a good time. Its pretty neat to watch because the Amish kids are from very sheltered homes. I think that so far watching it - that maybe 2 of the 5 will leave the Amish. The other 3 - though they seem to be having fun learning new things really miss the Amish ways.

The next show was called Player. Its set in South Beach. So I had to look. Its like 12 guys who think they are players trying to swoon this girl who claims she is a player. Its kinda lame. But - the ending phrase was kinda catchy. Dont hate the player - hate the game.

Big Brothers on tonight. There was a huge twist again on Tuesday - but there are two juicy players on the block tonight. I think Scott should go. No strategy - I just think he's an ass and he needs to put his shirt back on. There is also a very another great twist that will occur tonight. I can't wait!!!!

Oh - I need to mention... I heard this morning on the news that Growing up Gotti (mentioned it a few posts back) was the highest rated and viewed reality show to date.

See - I know my TV!!!

Hotbed

I don't know if you know that my neighborhood is a HOTBED for terrorist. I will give you one fact. Sept. 11 I am driving home from out of town. Drive into my neighborhood and the amount of police cars and tv crews that were blocking the street was startling. Come to find out, they (the terrorists that hijacked the plane) lived in a little boarding house down the road.

They blend in. Plus where I live there are so many transients and tourists. No one every thinks twice.

Well- this morning in Albany the FBI raided a mosque. The arrested two leaders of the mosque for trying to buy missles.

I live near a large mosque. Once again - it blends in.

If you didnt know any better you would think it was a Middle-eastern restaurant ( I did - and pissed them off when I asked for table for two).

Its in a strip mall in a middle class 'hood. Set far off the road - you could pass it and never know it was there. They all go to the 7-11 during prayer breaks. It's a mosque - I swear.

I know that following Sept 11th. the police were all over that place too. They cried foul - claiming racial profiling. They said they knew the terrorists very well and they knew nothing of the plan. I say...whatever.

I am telling you...my town will be on the news again. I can bet you that.

I hope its not too late.

Those stupid ads..

Ok - I have written to Google and told them to take off that stupid ad for non smoking aids at the top of my blog. I am sure they will pay attention. NOT!

So - I am opening up my blog to any advertising that I deem fit in my dark and skanky world.

My mothers blog ad is for swimsuits and my brothers is for Wonderwoman undies (Dont ask me but apparently they know something we don't).

I would like the following companies that I use in my everyday life to please come forward and I will hawk your wares. This will be like infomercial central.

Have you seen what I have achieved with my following of Reality TV junkies!!!! My international recognition on the wonderful wordfest called Blog!?!

Ok - well maybe thats a bad example.

But - pay me and they will come. (I think)

Mmmm - Apple

Apple martinis are yummy. They are becoming one of my favorite things.

They fall in the fruit food group so I am having a well rounded meal. I am glad I added them to my diet plan. With the vodka - which is made from grain - I am having my veggies too.

There are so many things that may look like they arent good for you but if you look deeper and really think about it. Almost anthing can work.

For example - Hotdogs. People think that their bad for you. But with a little creativity.

Hotdog - Meat Family
Bun - Bread Family
Sourkraut - Veggie Family
Ketchup - Fruit family.

All wonderful goodness wrapped up into one healthy meal.

Hershey almond bars - add the nuts for the health nut in you.

Lets talk about icecream - milk and fruit. Your getting your calcium and you won't get scurvy.

Pizza is a wholesome meal. Pepperoni and sausauge - Pile it on. Meat group. The rest is dairy - veggies and bread. They all work each other out.

One of the best meals is Pb&J - You have your bread, your nuts,your fruit. If you drink it with a big glass of milk - there is your dairy. Add a little chocolate syrup to your glass of dairy as a little treat because you deserve it.

Eating so healthy and all.

Its starting...

Regarding the convention I am attending in a few weeks. I have just gotten word that one company will not be attending due to the terror warnings. There will probably be more. I expect it. Don't people know that NY has been on yellow alert since 9/11? Not only that - but I can say that I bet it's the safest place to be right now. You see all the policemen out? They are there to protect you!

The terrorist want you to be afraid. They want people to show fear. They get off on that stuff.

Soldiers in Iraq and all over the world are fighting so that you can feel free. They are dying for your freedom. Please don't let them down by cowering in your homes.

That means the terrorist won.

Look at what they did to our industry (aviation). It effected us the most. All of the companies and people who went out of business and or lost their jobs.

You should be spittin mad.

Make a stand and show them you are not afraid.

Go to NYC!!!!

Gotti

New reality show last night folks. Growing up Gotti. It was on A&E at 9:30.
A day in the life of V. Gotti daughter of John Gotti (now deceased Mafia boss - oh I am sorry he was in plumbing) and her three boys.

Another one I would recommend just to see the train wreck of a family.
This is one that I will keep watching because I am waiting for the cameracrew to get beat up and their stuff stolen just so the kids can fence it. Seriously guys, check your gear. I bet something valuble is missing. These kids are a whole lotta trouble. Check your papers in a few years. Remember that name...Gotti.

Tonight is a special one. Reality tv galore. I love Tuesday TV.

Don't forget we have Trading Spouses on Fox (New family - tears shed - woo hoo).

Then see what happens at 9 on Big Brother (I see the times a changing. Last weeks twists and turns were wonderful).

The Amazing Race and Queer Eye and Jessica Simpson all compete at 10. Get those tv clickers programed. Thank goodness for commercials. I never miss a show!!!

Oh - dont forget to try to catch "Things I hate about you" on Bravo @11. I know its late - but if your up its worth peeking at.

I have a crush

ok - I think I am in lust with George W.

He winks at me everytime he talks to me on the TV.

Swoon.

boys smell

Went on a road trip this weekend with two boys.

This is a little story I wrote to remember the trip.

Boys smell.

Boys fart and burp. They eat your chips when your sleeping. They push their seats all the way back and you have no leg room.

They want to borrow your pillow. Your magazine. Even though they made fun when you packed it.

Boys drive way too fast when it rains. Then yell at you to stop talking so they can concentrate.

They hog the radio and make you listen to sports.

Boys get mad when you have to stop and pee.

Boys smell.

I am not scared of you...

I heading to NYC in the next couple of weeks. I have never been there and I am really looking forward to my trip.

I am staying in the middle of Times Square. In the same hotel the Republican delegates that are attending the RNC. I will get over my fear and head towards the highest building and head up. I will dance and taunt you in front of the NYSE. I will wave at the Statue of Liberty and I plan on taking the subway to go see a NY Yankees game.

Why? Because I am not scared of you!!!

You towel headed, boy-butt loving terrorists will not ruin my day.

But- how I wish I could ruin yours.