Snakes

I don't have a problem with snakes. I have a problem with lizards.

Thankfully, because its chilly outside I think they are hibernating or something as there seem to be less of them lately.

I met a snake today that ruined my day. Thankfully, he came attached to a cute plumber (or so I thought)

I am losing my hair. My large mane that I displayed proudly in the 80's has decided to take a vacation from my head. I soon will be one of those poor ladies that you see on the Propecia commercials with large portions of their hair gone.

Like Sam on Sex in the City. I will soon consider if I shall wear the pink wig or the blond one - just to shake things up. Though I don't have anything as horrible as cancer - my problem is one I am sure I share with many women.

I first noticed my problem a few months after my daughters birth. I was starting to lose hair around my temples. The Doctor said don't worry, it will grow back. It's hormones. Ok.

Well it did grow - but not to the full body that I remember.

Then - as I am sitting next to J at the beauty salon and they are goo-gooing like crazy over her hair they turn to me and say. . .

"Where did she get hair like that? Your hair is so....THIN!!!!"

Crushing blow. I know.

Now I am obsessed. Full volume. Max volume. Full Body. Thickening agents. I no longer straighten it - it is worn curly so that it looks like more than it is. It still breaks easy as I have really short hair in the back underneath the long pieces where a rubber band would pull on it.

Then everytime I brush it the hairbrush is full and the floor is even worse.

Some people say its my imagination. Ok - maybe I am freaking out over nothing.

Until today. I had a clog. A clog that could not be chewed away at by chemicals. Three bottles worth of them!!!

This is where the snake and the cute plumber come in....

Mr. Cute Plumber starts in - wwwirrrrrr..wiiiirrrrr....wwwwiiirrrr goes the snake down the drain.

Then it stops. Hmmmmm?

Wrrriiiiirrrr....Cough, cough....wwrrriirrr...Cough, cough...wrrir.

The cute plumber then looks at me and my already thinning hair and is about to ruin my day.

Tons and tons and tons of hair that could have covered Chewbaca and his sister come out with the gagging snake!!!

It's not my imagination. It's not that I am paranoid. My hair, that used to be on my head is clogging fifteen miles of plumbing!!!

He dumps 10 pounds of long luxurious hair in the trash can and says he will remove it later.

I tell him no need. I will do it. My hair and I have to have a moment and regretfully I cannot do it in front of Mr. Cute Plumber because then he would think I was crazy.

As he cleans up and writes up the bill in the truck. I think crazy thoughts....What if I washed it and then I could go visit the salon and see if they could attach it back. The use real hair when they do extentions....Wait that may work!!!

Then when he presents me with the bill I snap back into reality.

He actually charged me a $5 fuel surcharge for having to turn his snake on!!! I could by him two and a half gallon of gas for that!!! He charged me $35.00 for having to get the snake from the truck! He charged me $75.00 just for the pleasure of looking at him for 20 minutes.

He is no longer cute. He is a cruel man who just proved to me that I am going bald.

Who is now $115.00 dollars richer.

J.

Ok - so she has only been gone a few days. She is with her Daddy and new little brother. But it sure is quiet in the house without her.

With all the death and destruction going on in the world I feel better knowing exactly where she is. I like looking in on her and if she's sitting next to me - just grabbing her hand and squeezing it tight.

She is growing up and I have been told I need to let her do a few things on her own. But I don't want to yet.

I want somebody to hold her hand when I am not there. I want them to make sure she is safe. To keep her within a earshot or a just few steps away. Always following her but with enough room between you to think she is doing it by herself.

I miss her terribly and I still have five more days to go.

Where's the stuffing?

Every year we are treated to a special meat stuffing along with your typical bread stuffing. The meat stuffing isn't too pretty to look at but its a flavorful masterpiece that is always enjoyed and missed when not available.

This year it went missing in action. I think it was an inside job.

My folks stopped at my Aunties on the way down. To rest their weary heads and to visit with her. She seems like a nice person. She's family.

Oh - but beware of the Auntie who knows about the magic of the stuffing. She will do everything in her power - like hide it in the fridge behind the milk or talk to you as she's guiding you out of the house knowing that if she keeps talking and talking and talking my Dad will hurry and jump in the car midsentence and wave goodbye as he's driving away saying he's on a time schedule!

So to make a long story short - she stole the stuffing. She pretended she didn't know...But wait until you hear the evilness that dwells in her heart.

This stuffing is so coveted we tried to think of a way to get it to us by Christmas. I had to drive a few hours north on Christmas Eve - if I kept driving a few more hours I could have retrieved it but I didn't. I thought about it.

My Grandmother was frightened that it would be gone if we left it there. Knowing that they would eat it. That they would come up with some excuse, like they were hungry or something.

"Go back and get it! I don't care that you have been driving for 10 hours. There won't be any left. Time is running out!"

I even suggested that maybe it could be sent FEDEX. Like they would show - Ha!

So we cut our losses and made the call and told her to enjoy it. Eat and share it with her family as it was made with love.

She giggled like a school girl. Pretend she felt badly for us (for about a minute) then the giggling. Evil giggling.

Then the phone calls started.

"Just wanted to let you know I made a small bowl of it - Its Wonderful!"

"Hello, Guess what I am eating?"

"Ha, Ha we have stuffing and you don't!!!"

"Listen, do you hear that? That's me.... Chewing on...Guess.....STUFFING...You losers!"

We now have a voodoo doll made of my Auntie and have cursed her with stomach discomfort, gas and diarrhea.

The head spinning of the doll will take place during the next phone call.

The partys over?

Five days until the New Year!

2005 is around the corner and I am singing Prince's '1999' in my head. Think we need a new New Years song? I remember sitting in my room when I was a teenager with a calculator adding and subtracting trying to figure out how old I would be when that year finally came. The magic number was 30ish and I remember that it didn't seem that old at the time. No - It was ancient!!!

I think this morning trying to rise after all the abuse I have put myself thru this weekend - I am feeling my aging process in rapid progression more and more. Aches and pains. Swollen eyes and puffy skin. I am a wreak. I promised myself I would end the year with a bang! Come to find out we are just going over someone's house to set off fireworks at midnight. Not really what I had in mind - but it will do. 2005 represents another year and that means another year to get...Older!

Surrounded by 'older' people this weekend I was frightened by the amount of pills they pop. One person didn't even know why he took them, what they did and if they might counteract each other. He just had two large freezer bags worth of pills (vitamins) that the Doctor recommended at one time or the other. That along with the prescriptions - I felt like I was back at a pill popping party from the 80's.

"What's the blue one do?"

"I am not sure - but take the yellow one first"

"Should I take it with food?"

I don't even like to take medicine when I need it. I never finish a prescription cycle and I am cheap. So pills aren't my bag. My throat closes immediately and I have to trick myself like rolling in a bit of cheese or grinding it into my food.

So why the concern about pills? I had the worse case of heartburn this weekend. Awful!!! I don't generally get it - but I drank a lot and ate a lot. The food and drink and company that was kept was great. Let's make another toast. Anyone wanna see what kinda leftovers we can eat in the middle of the night?

I had to go to the walking pharmacy (My Mom) and ask for a pill to help make the vomit burps stay down. Thankfully they (the pills) were tiny and I wasn't having to consider if it was worth all the gagging that was going to occur.

I don't want to have to take pills and needles aren't my thing. I can't grind them and snort them - that's so retro. Smoking them will just make me feel like a crack ho.

So that means I need to slow down on my rock and roll lifestyle. Or at least my recent overindulgences.

I do solemnly swear that I will work on that soon. Not this week. Maybe next.

If there are no parties to go to.

Anybody got some water - I have severe cotton mouth.

Have a good one!

Last post for a few days.

The family is coming in and I most assuredly will be stuffed with food and numb with booze!

All while being surrounded by the ones I love.

Many adventures to take place this weekend so I am sure that I will have plenty to talk about come Monday.

I wish you and yours a Very Merry Christmas!!!!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

How sad

Ok - I am bored. Many places have already closed their doors. But here I sit - looking at my flat screen. Nothing but miles of internet highway before me!

Came across this little tidbit.

This is where they tell you about all the famous and infamous people that have died thruout the year.

So as I am reading this I am shocked by all the great and talented people who have effected my life in some way and have died.

Why was I not told of this? Why must I mourn many months later? Did I hear of it and forget? Did I not get the memo?

I have heard of the recent deaths of O.D.B and Dimebag - but what about Ann Miller and Faye Raye? Did you know?

Did you know Capt. Kangaroo died? Jack Paar?

Mary Ellis Bunim (She was responsible for the thing I love called Reality TV!). Jan Miner (who? Madge...Palmolive Soap!)

J.J. Jackson - one of the very first MTV Veejays (remember him - he had the gerry curl!) and Alan King!

Donny Osmonds Mom and Princess Dianas Mom died and Drew Barrymores Dad!

The Frugal Gourmet - my Daddy watched him and Julia Childs. Both gone forever. Now we are left with Rachel Ray and her 30 minutes meals.

This one is hard for me....Weezie! Ms Jefferson. I don't know if I can go one reading!

Laura Branigan - she sang a song in the 80's named after my Mom. (By the way - how many songs can one name have- geez - you song hog!)

Take a look at the list and read what they have done.

Most likely you may have never seen them but you sing along with them still during TVLand reruns....

"Listen to a story about a man named Jed" (yep he died too.)

And so many more.

But right off the top - those were a little hard to take.

My Blue Friend

The other day I was looking at a website that was about Buy Blue. It's a list of companies that gave to the Presidential Election.

It listed some of the larger donations from different firms that gave to Republicans and then to Democrats.

The purpose of the website was that they wanted you to know who gave to your favorite candidate and you need to adjust your buying and spending according. Some gave to both (how PC of you) some only gave to one or the other.

For example - Starbucks is a true blue company. Many of you know where I stood on the election and I really could give a roach hair about who gave to who. My concerns were that people were allowed to voice their opinions without the fear of backlash.

Starbucks is my friend. It's one of those places where I feel comfortable when I walk into it. The colors they paint the place - the smell of coffee and the array of baked goodies all make me smile. The music they play in the background is always great. Artists find it to be a great accomplishment when Starbucks features them or asks them what music they care about. Its a great gimmick. They sell coffee from around the world and they make the have nots aspire to be just as cool as them.

I like that. Great marketing. I would love to try to copy their plan, but my fear would be that since you can usually find a Starbucks on every corner - I would have to compete. I would fail and be sad. Damn them!!!

Well - back to the Blue. I don't care who they give a share of their profits too. I look at it as a tax write off for them. I gave to the American Cancer Society (do you see the irony of that?)

They helped me out last night. Blue helping red. (Do you see the irony of that one?)

I was gift short. So - I went to see my friend. They have boxes of goodies and pretty cups and festive coffee for the season. I shopped for five people there last night. I know they have a good product - I know I would be happy to get a bag loaded with Startopia!!! If they don't like it and throw it back at me...I will use it happily.

So here is to my Blue friend.

I love you, thank you and Merry Christmas.

New Year and being uncomfortable.

As the New Year slowly approaches I have been thinking about my resolutions. I have some things in my life that I need to get back on track. I usually hate making them because when I fail miserably I feel that I lied to myself. I also don't have a list that gets rid of all my vices - only one at a time. (It's really all I can handle).

So - as I was sitting out in the back this morning drinking my coffee I started to reflect on the things that are bothering me right now. This very second.

1. My big fat ass.

2. My nails.

3. My skin.

That's it. I am gonna keep drinking the bean heavily. Stopping smoking? Nope - not yet.

With the three things I mentioned, they all go together. If you think about it - If I start eating healthy again my ass will shrink and my skin will clear. Once that occurs I will care what my nails look like.

The Atkins works for me. I just got to maintain it. I really liked the results and how quickly they came. They stayed for quite a while with the exception of this year - the reason it's failing is because of me. I went crazy. Cuckoo.

I wanted bread. Desperately. What's that you say? I can't have it? Watch me polish off this loaf!

Still until today - my J put stuffing on the table. I baked a chicken. Nothing goes better together. Stuffing is.....Bread. In it goes.

HB has done a great job maintaining his girlish figure. I am very proud of him. But - I see the looks he gives me when I reach for the stuffing. Thing is - it just makes me eat it the kitchen over the sink when he's not watching.

Looks of disapproval don't work with me when I think I am right. I just keep doing it, because I know it irks you.

But - I have now eaten myself into being uncomfortable. I walked into The Avenue last night to buy a gift certificate for my mother in law. The Avenue is like Lane Bryant. Great looking and stylish clothes. But with that place and me - its one of those shops that I never want to purchase from personally. Stigma? Yes. Vanity? Definitely!

I am going to enjoy my holiday. There is only a week left. I will then be away from the chocolates and the cookies and the pies and the candy. I will give myself two weeks of protein and let the Atkins do its thing.

Yes, it boring.

Yes, its dull.

But it works and my clothes wont be so...Uncomfortable.

Yikes.

I was pretty proud of myself yesterday. I laid on the couch all day. I had wrapped all my gifts and decorated the house. I have my cards ready to be mailed.

Until there was a little knock at the door. It was J's little cousin. She was giving her an invite for the party on Friday that The AH's family throws.

With that invite comes another 6 gifts. Six gifts that I need to buy so that J doesn't go in empty handed. Six gifts for people I don't even see thruout the year.

So then - I'm in the hottub last night. (It stressed me out - I had to relax some more).

"Hi Jacmariesmoooom!" (A familiar shriek I know too well)

Its the little naked neighbor girl. (Another story for another day)

"Can I come swimming with you?"

"Not tonight honey. I am getting out soon anyways" (Damn them! I wasn't gonna get out - but now I haaaave to)

"We bought you a present today!" (Are you saying that so I will let you in my hottub?)

So now the calculation begins - that's another two (since she has a sister and her parents always bring me a bottle of wine). That's eight.

Then I start to think about who else surprises me....The other neighbor with the orange poop dog (she feeds it sweet potatoes) she makes candy. Nine.

I haven't gotten a thing for the boys in the office. Am I supposed to? What if they get me something? What if I get them something and they get me nothing?!? (How dare they!) Ten and eleven.

Then this morning Maria the Maid (not her real name but we are protecting the innocent) who has just raised her fee an extra ten bucks asks if she can come a day early. Do I need to give her something too? I just read something about tipping. That I need to pay them double for a Christmas Gift. (Hey, somebody gave me a bottle of wine....Maybe I can re-gift.) Twelve.

Then the gardener will be here on Wednesday to do some extra work (if I am paying her for extra work does that mean I need to tip her too? On top of all that?) Minus one.

I don't know the mailman and I don't get the paper so that's...Minus two.

So lets see - my math is really bad...Hold on...

I need like 10 or is that 9?

Do infants count since they don't really have any clue right now.

My Jeanne pool.

I wasn't going to mention this.

I was going to keep it under wraps. To protect the feelings of my family.

But - its just too funny not to share. So...Here it goes.

About 7:30 in the morning, the phone rings.

"Hello my dear Niece, it's your Auntie. I have a question for you." (Like with her New England accent I wouldn't know....)

"Well sure, how can I help ya!" while sipping my freshly made Starbucks.

"You said in your Christmas post you wanted the Norah Jones CD? You said you wanted her first one?" (Ok - I will play along)

"Yes - I don't know the name of it - but its not her new CD."

"Well, I belong to Columbia House and I have just pulled up her CD's and she has two CD's out." (Do you see where this is going yet?)

"Right. I want the first one."

"Here's my question, she has one that came out in 2002 and one in 2004. Which one do you want?"

Does anyone see the humor in this yet?

Later that morning....

"Hello? Its your Ol' Gramma! Can you talk for just a sec?" (We all know a sec = 1 hour)

"Sure Gramma."

"Well, let's just say someone was to buy you a robe." (For the record - every year I get a robe from her.)

"Yeeesss?"

"Well - what size would be good?"

Thinking - do I really have to answer this question? Doesn't she realize that she has already bought me a robe? Is she just going thru the pile o' stuff on her bed that she regifts and came across another robe and thought of me?

"So, Gramma - you getting me another robe?"

"Nooooooo, I am just wondering because you are the same size as someone else I know."

Sure.

So, does anyone want to know what I am getting for Christmas this year?

You guys slay me.

Your too sneaky

So, last night J has to complete a project due for today. This is the last day of school before her two week vacation (oh to be in school again).

I make sure her printer cartridge is in working order. That she has paper.

Now her monitor is old. As old as her. I weighs about 100 lbs and works on occasion (when the mood strikes it).

Well last night she sits at her desk. Black screen. We are peering at our own reflection in the screen.

I jiggle wires. I plug and unplug. I press buttons. I smack it (sometimes that works). Nothing - nada. Zilch.

So I call HB and ask him to swing by his apartment and fetch his monitor so she can turn her work in. He complies although he's been on the road for over and hour and a half due to traffic.

Now - I have purchased J a monitor for Christmas. It hasn't arrived. I have done all my shopping via Internet this year. I love sitting on my butt shopping the convenience, the ease. Problem is the wait. But hell, Christmas is over a week away. I should be ok (If FEDEX isn't involved)!!!

So, J says "If you got me a monitor you could just give it to me now. To save everyone the aggravation."

I reply (not thinking) "If it was delivered already I would have done that, but its not here!"

She smiles. She shoots, she scores. She now knows she's getting a monitor for Christmas.

HB finally arrives haggard and staggering thru the front door. His monitor in hand. He walks straight into her room jiggles a wire - Voila, it turns on.

He walks out of her room with his monitor in hand and says, "It would work of you plugged it in"
Once again J smiles. "Ooops."

I swear I looked at the mass of wires. I swear I looked at the right ones. I swear I hadn't been drinking before then.

Poor HB.

Then it occurs to me. J is always trying to find out what's under the tree. There is a new commercial out where you see a woman opening a present and thanking her husband for her new leather coat. He is standing there and congratulates her. Tells her it's a new record for her - she actually waited until the 18th. That's J. That why I do not put presents under the tree. That's why I don't bother hiding them. I store them until I can monitor her and her nosiness.

So - now the question looms.

Did she play me? Did she play HB?

I not gonna give her the monitor until the final hours on Christmas.

When she looks up at me an wonders why I waited.

I will just say....Ooops.

Big Losers and Models

Reality TV is starting to come to a close. Sob!

You can't watch reruns - you know how it ends. Wail!

So Big Loser is coming to a end. They are down to 4. In all, the group has lost hundred of pounds. Good for them!

I don't know how they will end this show. Maybe its a voting thing? Who knows.

I know I have my favorite players. With the four that are left - I pick Gary to win.

American Next Top Model - Eva. She's lovely so I have to give her that. But - oddly enough not your usual model material. I really thought that the other choices would beat her out. I am wrong sometimes. Don't feel bad for the losers. They have gotten plenty of exposure. They will be working soon enough. Making gobs of money.

I have The Apprentice Tonight - My vote is for Kelly (the guy). The other contestant is too manipulative for my taste.

I think she flew under the radar and will get called out tonight.

I hope.

What an exciting morning!

Wow - so many topics I don't know where to begin!

I will start with the one that effects me most, or least (as the case may be).

My J is going to be a big sister today (if all goes well).

I don't harbor any ill will against The AH's wife and unborn son. My beef is only with him.

J isn't too thrilled with the idea. J is being bombarded with babies this month.

Though there were other babies born into our family since her birth 14 years ago they never actually effected her and her status as daughter and granddaughter.

Until now.

I know my family will take into account her sensitivity about the issue and include her in their joy. That's what she needs. If she feels shunned in anyway - she will automatically shutdown. That is her way. Spoiled? Maybe. I can only imagine what it feels like.

It all stems from her relationship with her father. There is a song out "Fathers be good to your daughters". This is so very true. Many a girl will become a stripper or marry older due to the relationships they have with their Dads. I swear it's true - I heard it on Howard Stern!

I guess it would be easy to tell her to get over it. That's life. Welcome to the real world. But - I would rather she not have to deal with the real world until she absolutely has to. I have to live with her. It's not easy to deal with the drama. So - I try to keep it at bay if possible.

I hope The AH - doesn't forget that he has made a recent commitment to J. He is making it possible for her to attend private school. Don't give him kudos yet. This is a recent issue because since our divorce he never made any child support payments. That was five years ago. Six months ago he stepped up. I don't think it will continue as I have already gotten the speech.

You know the one..."I have a new baby coming", "It's very hard for me right now to make ends meet", "My wife will quit working to take care of the baby, money will be tight."

I passed J over to a caregiver when she was 6 weeks old. I had to work. I feel no sympathy. Especially now that J is in a good school environment and I will fight tooth and nail to keep her there.

I have a lawyer just in case.

So the birth of his son is bittersweet. I am happy for his wife. This is her first. I am happy for him. He always wanted more children and now he has a son to pass on the family name.

All I have is hope.

Hope for the best - expect the worst.

Gifts

For my true loves.

The ones that kiss me when they see me. They can't get enough.

The ones that have a sparkle in their eye when I walk into a room. The hugs and snuggles whenever I want them.

I got them a Santa Rawhide with 30 pig sticks. The whole thing is edible.

I am gonna make their year!

Fed Ex

Ode to FedEx.

Your prices make me cry.

Your delivery time lacks - why oh why?

You make promises on commercials you see.

But why must you lie to me.

Your not these best.

I put you to the test.

You failed miserably and blamed it on a storm at sea.

For 35 cents the Post Office does just as well.

FedEX your lame and you can go to...Hell.

Thank you,

(applause)

Thank you,

(applause)

Thank you.

How Much!

"Hello Madame - can I help you with a tree?" Said a very cute French (probably Canadian) boy at the lot yesterday.

"Well sure - how much is this one?" I say batting my too short eyelashes at the young lad.

"What does the tag say?" Not being one to be pushed around by my feminine ways.

"I know what the tag says, but really, how much?" With a more breathy voice and leaning in just a little.

The French boy then takes the tag and shows it to me like I am stupid. Repeats the number and looks at me.

Ball in my court. Here is were I am supposed to walk away and say "You gotta be crazy. For a tree!"

But I have a problem. I have already been to two tree lots. I was not impressed by the choices offered to me. The pick of the litter at the places that sell a tree at half the price have been taken. The only things left are the ones that you would see in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

"I cannot bring that home!" I say to HB.

"People will visit, they will compliment and I as a gracious hostess will take their applause and bow. This tree, they will boo and hiss. I will lose my privledge of hosting the Christmas Dinner!" I wail.

HB looks at me and makes an odd noise -By the way, sucking your teeth with your in your 40's is not sexy.

So back to my little flirtation/bantering which is going no where fast.

"Well, do you give a discount for cash?" I am whimpering at this point.

"We only take cash, that way you will never be able to trace us and send us nasty letters when we go home to our God forsaken lives in the Artic."

He's got me. The little Canadian boy has got me. He knows his product is good and I want this tree. He knows I just saw a whole bus load of people with cash in their greedy tree wanting hands pull in.

I panic - I yell like a crazy woman at HB. "Do something!" HB flicks me in the head and says "Hello -wake up, there is no negotiating!!!"

I stomp the ground like a child. I am actually thinking of flinging myself on the ground in tears. But this kid will not fall for it. He's good. Too good.

I am beaten. Its a sad sad day for me.

So while I run across a three lane highway to get money, HB has the guy cut and package it up.

He then brings it over to the car and sticks it in the trunk while I go to the lady working the register.

"Boy, trees are expensive." My last shot at maybe getting a dollar or two or five off the price.

"Yes they are."

Bitch.

I sulk to the car, and HB is giving the bloodsucker a few more bucks for carrying it 10 feet or for the enjoyment me of watching me proceed into total meltdown.

Its Christmas and I am surrounded by Masochists!

I'm an Auntie!!!

So Saturday morning - making my coffee I get a call. It's my lovely Mom and she's calling to share the wonderful news.

My brother Merrygosorry and wife Sassypants are the proud parents of two lovely babies. We will call them S and O.

Apparently the girl 'O' wanted out now (sounds familiar). The boy 'S' was just chillin' , but the sister was ready to get out of her cramped quarters. Her brother was probably touching her or something.

And so it goes and now I am an Auntie!

Went to visit the pair shortly thereafter and they are quite the handsome pair. S was taking a snooze and gave Auntie a tease of skin by flashing an armpit. O was tightly swaddled but reminded me of myself after a long night of drinking as she had a burped up some of her formula but didn't care, she was sound asleep.

I didn't get to hold them as they were in little glass boxes - preparing themselves for the world outside. But I was happy I got to see them.

S and O are not identical. I don't know if boy and girl twins can be identical - because of that extra tag of skin that boys have. There is definitely a difference between them.

S looks like my family. My Daddy to be exact. No its not because he's bald and wrinkly. My Dad has a full head of hair (well, kinda). S has the family nose. I know you say he's only 12 hours old - but I am telling you - I can tell. He looks like a boy - very handsome indeed.

O is a dainty beauty. I don't know what Sassypants looked like as a baby. But wouldn't it be wonderful to have two kids that looked like each of you?

I know I look at J and see The AH. Not that she's an AH - she just looks like him - a lot.

I only say she looks like me when she's looking quite extraordinary. Like myself. (I had to add something about Me of course).

Sassy and Merry did a good job on the tiny pair. I am quite pleased with it all!

I heard Sassy was stoned so I made sure I brought plenty of chocolates for the munchies that may follow.

Merry is high on life right now - I think I saw him float.

Congrats you two...

When's the next pair coming?

Friday.

Just flew in from Orlando.

Whew - are my arms tired. Ba-du-bum.

Orlando is an Indian word for - Place with many chain restaurants.

They are packed to the gills -every night. I don't get it!

I figured our lovely visitors from other countries had better taste. The ones who eat at small cafes in their village. Or prepare their meal on the floor of their huts.

Nope - they wait in torturous lines waiting for...Olive Garden and Carrabas and Fridays and Bennigans...Out the door.

Plus, the traffic to get to these places is unbelievable. A 6 mile drive turned into an hour. There are tolls every five feet at a buck a pop.

Mickey is a very rich man. He's very sneaky you know.

I am sure he owns these places. So he wants people to eat there so he stratigically places roadblocks and tolls and pays his flunkies to block traffic. People will be hungry - so they decided to pull over and eat. Maybe wait until the traffic dies down.

But it never does, you see? The people visiting think its rush hour. Its just a bad time of the day. This is everyday.

So - I have decided that I am moving to Orlando. I am going to franchise. Something that everyone knows. I will put it right on International Drive. I will pass out vibrating machines for the tons of people who are waiting for my prepackaged meals. I will charge them a small fortune and they will leave broke but happy.

I will be rich, rich I tell ya.

Muuuuaaaahhhaaaa!

Shut your PieHole!

I work with men.

The owner is highly successful - it's his company. He deserves to own what he does. The bigger the risk, the higher the reward. The second in command is also very "comfortable". He is very talented at this line of work.

We are like commodity brokers. Buy low - sell high. Sometimes the high is really high. Sometimes the low is very low. No matter how you slice it - we are all here to make money. I love these guys but - I would much rather be doing something else than punching a clock everyday.

The problem I have with these guys is that they tend to be greedy. The way we split profits is the person that buys low - makes a bigger cut than the person that sells high. The thought process is that the seller wouldn't have the product to sell if the buyer didn't do a good job and buy it low.

Whatever -

I have never been good at the haggling, buy low part. I have a terrible poker face. I cannot walk away from deals that I think are great. I am a terrible gambler. I only bet on sure things.
Going to casinos with these guys is great fun - they always "Let it ride". I never "let it ride", I take my winnings and drink one of those free drinks they offer and watch.

I'm....Frugal.

That's probably why I am a good salesperson. I am honest. I deliver what I sold you on time, where you want it at the price agreed. If by chance I cannot - I will take a hit and deliver it anyways. I want you to be happy with my service and come back next time.

So - to the point. In my opinion - these guys should kiss my ass. They should be thankful that I bring in the customers time and time again. I give them leads on what to buy.

One guy just made 6k in profit on something I sold this morning. I say - be happy and shut your piehole!

They whine, they pout.

"What about this one? Can't you get more money for it? When are they gonna buy this?"

There are many, many of us out there. Though my customers like me - they still want the best deal in town. I comparison shop all the time. Sometimes, after months of it...I still don't own what I was looking for. My customers are the same way.

So, to you...LS. Your greedy and grumpy and I think you either need a vacation or need to get laid.

Seriously...

Shut your pie hole!

Lights

In my weak attempt to decorate for the holidays I am proud to announce - I now have lights outside.

Thanks to HB, of course.

The front is all aglow in a variety of colors - the back shimmers with white.

If he keeps this up I will be having my family spend the holiday outside as it looks more like Christmas out there.

The other thing I am contemplating...Leaving them up. The back yard at least.

I know that some might think that's very white trash of me. But it actually looks good.

It will save me (ok, HB) from having to do it for any function I may want to have in the future.

I know - it only takes a little time to put up but its the searching for them when I need them again that worries me.

There is no storage or organization in my life. I am happy that I remember where I work everyday and where to locate my daughter after school.

When someone (ok, HB) asks for anything. Something simple, like... A screwdriver. First of all, your lucky that I have one. If I have one. Then your gonna need to wait a few minutes. I need to dig for it. I need to move boxes and lift things to get to it. Then after I show you the different instruments that resemble a screwdriver (to me anyway), maybe we will have hit pay dirt and you will have your screwdriver.

But by then an hour and a half has passed - you forget what you needed the tool for in the first place. Or, you are so tired after putting all the boxes back, then leaning on the closet to make sure it shuts so that nothing comes tumbling out. Why bother.

So this is why I want to keep the lights outside.

Makes sense to me.

Its not easy...

Being green.

I am now the proud owner of a hottub/spa/bubblemachine.

I got the top of the line bubbler. Sixty jets. When the steam starts to rise - its like I am entering a boiling pot of water. I could boil an egg, poach some chicken all in my attempt to relax.

Problem is - I don't like to be hot. I don't like to be cold. I like it to be just right.

The other problem, the bubbles. There is a button that starts the blower. The blower comes from below. Its supposed to help your legs.

It make me sea-sick.

J and HB like the bubbles. I try to steady myself and breathe. When the green monster starts to rear it's ugly head. I either beg to shut it off - or have to remove myself from my little pot of water.

Its necessary. Its imperative that I get out now!

Puke floats.

Usually

Usually in the middle of December my company throws a Holiday Party. Usually that means that three S. Floridians get as bundled up as possible and head to Chicago. Its a brutal trip and usually not fun at all. We are not prepared for the weather. We are usually toted from one place to the other due to driving conditions and taken to dinner. We usually end up sitting in the airport waiting for our return flight as there always seems to be a weather delay.

Usually has ended today.

Today the Chicago office is headed to Florida. South Beach to be exact. The weather is in the 70's and sunny. No rain in site. We will be whisked away to an ocean view room within walking distance of all clubs and bars. Our hand will never have to reach into our pocket as all drinks and meals will be taken care of.

I know...Hate me. Go ahead. I don't care.

I know, I complain about my job all the time. I know I have it good. I know, I am a whiny complainer.

But as of right now, no complaints....Just blissfully happy. Happy knowing that at 5 pm I will be headed to Mojito Heaven. I wont have to worry about a thing. Just enjoying myself.

So what I would like to do for any of you that may be reading this and miserably cold... I am going to give you a Mojito recipe. I want you to trudge to the store - go get the ingredients. Put on your bathing suit and sunglasses. Go into your bathroom and put on the heat lamp. Take a sip of the lovely concoction.

Pretend your me, if only for a moment.

Ahhhhhhh....

Booty call or bad call?

Virgin Mobile has just devised a plan to stop you from calling your ex (or whoever) during a drunken midnight stupor.

If you (very important) place 333 in front of the number your dialing. For twenty-five cents they will block you from calling you ex (for whatever reason) until 6 in the morning.

Hmmmm - I guess this is for those serial callers - known to call exes for a variety of reasons in the middle of the night.

Ring...Ring...Ring...Hello?

Sob....You know I loved you?

Ummm...Who's this?

(Anguish)....Don't pretend you don't know me. Is she there? I hate that $%&*#!!!!


or

Ring...Ring...Ring...Hello?

Hey baby, you alone? Can I come over?

Uh.... (Insert you parents pet name for you here)???

(Insert bad accent here)....Oh - sawry. Wrung numba!

My concern would be maybe I have tried every other number. What if no one is answering and I am...On the side of the road, in a ladies room stall covered in vomit, standing in front of the dark bar and no cabs around or gulp, jail!

(Not that any of these things have ever happened to me, of course). Then I can't find a ride. I want to be able to call the people in my phone!

I can't remember phone numbers, I am old and drunk and I can't see in the dark really well.

Booty call or bad call?

You decide.