Good for you!

I just want to send J a buttload of congrats this morning.

Today she went on a school trip. I know many of you are like...So what? Well - J has had a problem with attending school trips. Year after year she has been denied access to going away with the masses.

J is a good student - better than I ever was. J does have a problem with...Authority and loves the drama. So - she tends to be excused (for a lack of a better word) from off campus functions.

I guess I am happy that they never allowed her to attend before - because when the opportunity came up again J was on her best 'school' behavior.

Many of her friends - with similar problems were not allowed to go today due to typical pranks that some kids pull when there are only a few weeks left of school. J steered clear of that mess and although her partners in crime could not attend today. J didn't care. She got to go!

So after a sleepless night - she wanted to make sure she didn't miss the bus. And jumping around like a little girl and crowing about how she really tried to be good - she was allowed to go on her school trip today.

She didn't take it for granted and understood that it was a reward earned for her good behavior.

So - good for you J!

The Barkers

I love this couple. I think they are too cute.

Ms. USA meets Mr. Tattoed Mohawk wearing drummer.

Romantic as hell and strange all at the same time.

This beats out Nick and Jessica anyday!

Gosh - they are so in love its sick!

Watch scale - 1-10 = 10!

Moochie

I am now the owner of a street cat named Moochie. I call her Moochie because she is a Mooch.
She has adopted me because I lured her with food. She eats well. So well, in fact when I actually give her cat food she sits there...stares at it...and looks at me like I might have made a mistake.

She doesn't eat from Tupperware - she only eats from plates - I don't own fine china thank goodness - she would request that if possible.

I have finally figured out her sex because she never liked me to touch her stomach. But now that I am feeding her regularly. She allows me too (how kind of her).

She is an orphan. A neighbor moved and left poor Moochie behind. Moochie doesn't go far - she now has my opening of a door down to a science and makes quite the racket barreling down the alleyway to get to me.

She has made her home on a lawn chair and uses my yard as a litter box.

She's a terrible hunter and has yet to score a lizard. Though she tries.

Moochie likes HB more than she likes me. Seems that all animals do. My dearly departed doggy always sat at HB's feet and whenever I pet sit - they go crazy for HB when he walks in. Moochie does the same - and he doesn't even like cats. Go figure.

Moochie has been a pleasure since I am longing for a pet.

I have my bird and he is becoming quite talkative. Knock on a door and her screams J's name. Walk out the door and he says "Lets go". Leave the room and he screeches "Mooom!".
He talks under his breath and he lets me kiss him - but only for a while - then he starts doing this mating thing and starts to puke his recent seed feed and starts to try to feed me his puke. I know he does it out of love - but the puke thing is a little gross.

Moochie is something I can pet. She waits outside my window and meows until I look out and acknowledge that she's sitting there (waiting for food). She zips and zags thru the yard and seemingly likes her new gig.

Now - the issue. Moochie doesn't like dogs. Everytime a dog is around she takes off. She always comes back when the dog leaves. But - I really don't want to lose Moochie if I get a dog.

So suggestions are needed - How I can have a dog and Moochie co-exist in the same yard - the same space?

I want the animal kingdom. More cats, fine. Birds, you betcha. Doggies, of course.

Funny how I want everything living - except the lizards.

Which seem to multiply with a fury.... Yuck!

The church...

Now - with the new Pope elect...I will never be allowed back into the Catholic church!

Well - I do have to say they are consistent.

Damn!

Therapy in a bottle

I prefer a cocktail over any drug around.

I have mastered quite the girlie drink and - I know that I am a drunk because I can find any ol' bottle of booze and make it taste good. Pineapple juice is an amazing additive.

I am such a drunk that I notice when booze is missing from my bottles.

I work two doors down from a wine distributor. The other day I smelled the lovely fragrance of wine, mixed with asphalt. Only to sniff it out to see that they had spilled a caseload all over the parking lot.

It was a sad day - such a waste.

I remember when everyone seemingly had a cocktail and cigarette in hand. My old dentists fingers smelled of nicotine and soap while he worked on my mouth. I am actually surprised that he didnt have it dangling from his lower lip a la James Dean - letting the ashes drop into my gaping mouth.

I liked it that everyone had cocktail parties. I beg to have them. Everyone is either recovering and on a twelve step program or pregnant. So I drink alone.

I get the look from HB - but I see no crime in a cocktail when you come home.

My Mom had the ever handy jug of wine and my Dad had the ever present bottle of J&B.

I can honestly say that I never drank when I was younger. Although - I did like this Southern Comfort punch that my Mom used to make for her parties when I was little. She always let us have a glass. But - punch bowl glasses are small - so there was never any drunk kids around.

I probably didnt drink because - wine is gross when you are a kid and if you have ever tasted J&B and could still breathe....well....it's twice as gross.

That was all there was in the house. Well - that and a bottle of some sparkling wine that my Gramma always gave my folks for an anniversary. They kept it in there if she ever visited and let her drink it.

Yes - it may have been sour fermented grape juice by then - but my Grammas drink of choice is a Manhattan. I think thats Bourbon, wine and a splash of coke with a cherry. Now - if that wasnt invented by a drunk mixing the last of his bottles....

I find it to be a quite legal and relaxing activity. I pour myself a tumbler of this and that and go sit on the porch. I stroke my new cat Moochie and watch the flowers grow. Seemingly for that moment the whole world goes away.

I feel a little better. A bit more relaxed and I am able to face the inside of my home for a few more hours.

I don't have to talk to anyone. I prefer that I don't for that moment. Its me and my plastic tumbler.

Some people say it's not healthy and I should walk around the block. Or possibly join a gym. Maybe even hire a therapist.

I went to a therapist once or twice. I talked and talked and talked and talked. Then he would ask...

"So how does that make you feel?" Then I would talk and talk and talk and talk.

I would be so drained by talking and crying that I would leave there with the urgent desire for a drink.

I would then pour myself something upon arriving home and it was odd - I automatically felt better.

It had nothing to do with the talking and crying. That just made me tired and worn out. And sad.
I would hate to send out the wrong signals. Many of you that read this blog have never met me and I don't want to seem like a lush.

But is there really anything wrong with a drink a day?

Studies show (sometimes) that a glass of wine helps keep the pipes to the ticker clean and is actually beneficial for you. I long to be that woman that dies at 101 and that her claim to fame was she smoked unfiltered Camels, drank red wine and ate chocolate every day.

But why is there such a stigma to it being utilized as a sort of therapy in a bottle?

Bitches and Ho's

I am not a prude.

I love everything not buttoned up and covered up. I like a dirty joke. I like sexy pictures and admire good figures.

My new song that I wrote is called Bitches and Ho's. That's it. No other lyrics than that. I sing it in a minor key so it sounds cool. Set to music from another artist (called sampling) I think I have a major hit on my hands.

Now - why in the hell would I write a song called Bitches and Ho's?

Driving with my daughter who is a fan of Urban Rap - I (the woman who is not a prude) actually get embarrassed by the lyrics.

I listen to lyrics. When I was a kid I would buy those magazines with the lyrics in them - memorize them and sing them loud and proud because I knew the words.

My family never seemed to know the words - they would make them up. I know the artists that were singing the songs probably wouldn't find humor in my fathers lyrics - but...It was funny.

Also - being a lover of music - all kinds...I can appreciate the music. If it makes me want to tap my foot or get up and shake my groove thing or even hits me right in the heart and makes me want to cry - then to me...Its a good song.

There is a new song out on the radio. I like the beat. It's pretty much the same thing thruout.
On MTV and the radio - they fail to put the entire content on the air. If they did - I think that there would be some red faces. I think its called the Whisper Song. I think its performed by the Ying Yang twins. You all can look it up if your interested - I am not going to post it.

There are plenty more of blatant sexual songs on the radio and I am no Tipper Gore. One of my favorite artists is the most lovely man / artist / legend Prince. I got in trouble for hanging (and hiding) a picture of him in my closet. He was taking a shower at the time. But - he had undies on. I loved that picture by the way....Dad!!!!

But - you never heard his nasty stuff on the radio while sitting in the car with...Mom. You listened to that - privately..In your room - alone or with your girlfriends. It was almost at a whisper so that no one knew.

Even Cyndi Lauper - she had out She Bop. I just found out that its was a song about masturbation on VH1 (you see TV is informative) by the way. But - you could sit next to your folks and sing She Bop. Your parents could chime along in She Bop. Gramma could have sang...She Bop. It was a good clean nasty song.

These 'artists' can't come up with a more clever way to hide the fact that they want to have sex? Do they have to be so graphic?

Come on....For the Moms in the car???

HB wish list

As promised to my dork brother. Here are a few of the things that keep HB up late at night.
This small list is just a sampling of his wish list on EBay. HB has a rule - he will not spend more than $6 including shipping for the following albums.....

Mission of Burma
Mutton Birds
OHara Mary Margaret
pogues
runrig
unconcious collective
young marble giants
art ensemble of chicago
ben and jason
bad brains
dave and deke
denim
half japanese
echo and bunnymen
hewedine boo
jug band
liquid liquid
los amigos invisables

Do you know who these people are?

Me niether.

Another one.

The latest death on a child has hit me really hard.

Sarah Lunde was a 13 year old girl. She reminded my of my J.

My J - always says she's immune to anyone ever taking her.

Sarah was the same type of girl as J similar in size and age. Saturday night while J was yelling at me for whatever reason my eyes veered to the television and I saw the headlines that Sarah's body was located at the bottom of a fish pond. I started to cry.

News reporters kept questioning if she was only a runaway. Thirteen and troubled past - seems a likely excuse.

Then - they show the ex-boyfriend of Sarah's Mom and state they are still questioning him. He has since admitted that he strangled her.

The small children fall prey to these monsters and as a parent - you try to protect them anyway you can. But what about the older children who feel that they are invincible? Put themselves in harms way!

How can I make it very clear that this is the very event that worries me to J?

Do I have to drive her up there and let her take part in the memorial service so that she understands that this is real life? This is the real world and monsters under your bed do no go away when you hit age 13.

I live in a city that is full of transients. In my city alone there are 69 sexual predators that live within a few city blocks of me.

69 - sixty nine!!!!!

I think I am going to print everyone of these perverts faces and plaster them all over the walls of the house. That will make a statement!

69 swollen - drug ridden - pimply faced - clean shaven - baby faced men. All shapes - sizes - ages - colors and nationalities.

And she wants to walk down to the circle alone.....?

Ha.

She blames me that I am stifling her. I am up her ass. In her way. J - I know its only a few blocks - but I will drive you. I know I am not cool but I will wait on the corner - where only I can see you. Yes - I will continue to barge into your room as you chat on the computer so that you know that I am watching.

Yes - I will secure my home with alarm systems and lock all the doors - even when your in it.

Yes - I will scream at you when you let strangers in MY HOUSE because they said they were with a church.

I cannot bear to see another innocent girl harmed by these monsters.

When will the legal system and the liberals understand. These people are not human beings - they are not right in the head. They cannot be changed. You place them back into society with children and expect them to behave?

And Mothers....How can you bring your children into the line of danger by dating, loving and living with these monsters!?!

Everytime I turn on the TV - I see cannot bear to see another one die.

Horns

I really try not to use my horn.

In Miami - you usually don't have to because someone else usually beats you to the punch.

Horns to some - replace yelling. Others, they use it in harmony along with the screaming and the finger waving.

The biggest problem on the streets of Miami is that apparently lights aren't long enough so people run them.

Yellow means go as fast as you can thru the intersection and if your light turns green - you better look to make sure that last car isn't going to run the light. Happens all the time. Why we even have lights. Its truly beyond me...No one pays attention to them.

Now- if you happen to be the first car in line at the light and it turns green. Prepare to be honked at. Even if you know that the car that is planning to run that light is coming for you. BEEEEEEPPPPP! They will even beep before you have time to take your foot from the brake to the gas. They are waiting for that green. They have their hand hovering over the horn. BBBEEEEEPPPPP!

Now today was another circumstance as to why we shouldn't have lights because they don't mean a damn thing.

Waiting at an intersection. A city bus decides to block the intersection. A city bus is huge. He's going nowhere. Unlike a car that maybe can maneuver to get outta the way. Buses...Not gonna happen.

So my light turns green. Bus in the intersection blocking the street I need to go straight on.
This bus is blocked by traffic in front and in back. Get the picture?

Well all three lanes next to me proceed to lay on the horns. BBBBEEEEPPPPPP! BBBBBEEEEEPP! No need for me to do it - because - there are about six cars doing the same thing.

Where do the expect him to go? What is he supposed to do? Hes stuck there until the light in front of him changes and the traffic moves.

BBBBEEEEEEPPPPP.

For 1 minute straight - they honked. And honked and honked.

People on the bus looked down at us and shook their heads.

The bus driver - turned to us and waved and started to play the crowd. He hit the horn too.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP!

A symphony of horns and I have a headache!

Figures.

I am in the process of redoing my kitchen.

I have picked a cabinet company. And switched colors and door shapes a few times. I look at the pictures of the showroom kitchens and swoon. I want that. I want this. Me and this little mouse in my pocket....We want it all!!!!

Well - common sense an a limited budget and of course my...Frugality always come into play.

I settle. As usual for what I can afford.

Although - I am becoming quite excited by appliances right now.

Martha Stewart I am not. I really am not Susy Homemaker - I am not even a very good Mom (just ask my J).

My achievements are getting by in life. Making a living by sweet talking whoever is on the phone and trying not to get too lazy that my joints no longer work.

The lazy part - I need to work on. Since my birthday a few months back - I feel those said joints everytime I want to sit Indian style on the floor and eat Chinese while watching TV.

I guess because I am in the market for appliances - they all catch my eye. The colors, the lines and the options.

Options that I really don't need of course. Do I really need a double convection oven? Do I really need that washer and drying in the neon orange that Sears has been touting on TV. Taunting me, they are. Evil...Evil I say!

Why is it that the really cool things are twice as much? And by cool... I shall explain, Cool is those appliances without knobs. Hidden panels and sleek lines so that you don't even know you are looking at a dishwasher. It could be anything. Its meant to blend in. So that you don't take away from the few grand that you just spend on cabinetry.

But - Is it really cheaper for the manufactures of these companies to charge you more for something with knobs. I saved you from adding the knob. That alone should bring down the cost of the appliance. At least a few hundred dollars.

The newest problem in my kitchen design now is the thing called 'The Contractor'. Explaining to him what needs to be done takes a few minutes. Remove these and put these up. Cover up this door and paint whatever's left.

Then he asks about electric. I want to change the subject - because I know what is coming.

Did you know that you need a permit to put in a new kitchen? Who knew....

He wanders over to my electrical box and says they same thing everyone says when they peek their head in it. This is an illegal box and there is no way an inspector is going to let this pass. I will send out my electrician and then we will tell you what we need to do.

Mr. Electrian pulls up in front of my home in a Lexus. Most electricians are a little dirty. Dirty from crawling around in attics. Not this guy. Hes clean. I am scared.

I show him where I need my lighting. Eight lights. That's it. Simple.

He asks to see the box. I point it out and start to walk away.

He begins to tell me what I already know. The whole box needs to be replaced.

Now let me see the outside. He notices the power box to the water heater. I try to steer him away....No luck. He opens it - a family of lizards scurry and he shakes his head. This should be on its own circuit. I know - the last electrician that was here said the same thing.

Then I walk him out back. Little boxes that have been added all piggyback from the main breaker. He shakes his head. This is illegal. These should all be part of the box. I know....That's what the last electrian said.

Then he looks up...You know the receptacle that feeds the main wires from the pole into the house? Well they are in bad shape....He needs to add more power into the house and they need to be repaired before proceeding. Something about copper wires being exposed. This information is new and now will be added to the thing that the electrician said.

He pats me on the back as we walk back inside. He tries to make me feel better by telling me that I shouldn't count that as my kitchen budget. Its a safety issue and it needs to be addressed.

I know - that's what the last electrian said.

Yeah...Right.

Somehow - I don't believe that police threaten to hit you with a taser if you are acting like a human being.

Somehow - a story like "I was just sitting in the Wendy's drive thru and got pulled over and threatened" just doesn't seem right.

I doubt police officers do this type of thing on a regular basis.

But if you ask the cockroach that I work with who was recently bailed out of jail. He didn't do anything.

He will admit he was drinking. He will admit he was only a few blocks from the house after a long night of partying. But- Assault charges on a police officer (something he was also charged with)

Nope...He didn't do it.

I say...Yeah, right.

I think that all police now have a tape in their car. I am sure that if 'said bug' reviews 'said tape' he will see he was acting aggressively towards 'said cop'.

I know - I would probably do one of two things if threatened with arrest.

I would either hit the ground, crawling, begging and crying begging the police man to take pity on me.

Or - I would get a little belligerent because I felt trapped.

If I did the first one. I don't see the police man threatening to taser me. I think he would tell me to compose myself. Wipe my nose and tell me to turn around so he could cuff me.

If I did the second one - I could see the police man reach for the taser because he would have to be concerned. Because the only way your gonna get me cuffed is with a fight.

So - I say yeah, right.

You did something and cops don't arrest and charge you with a felony for nothing.

My creativity

Sometimes this Blog doesn't work.

Last night - I wrote a drug induced stupor entry. I was peeing my pants as I howled with laughter.

I needed to tell you the effects that Nyquil and Sudafed had on me.

I needed the laugh because my life has been for shit for about a week!

But could the stupid blog give me a little something that I could share with everyone....Noooooo.

So - I will just tell you it was really funny and I would try to recreate it but then I would have to be at the same place in my drugged upness to remember everything.

Bottom line - Nyquil rocks....Except for the twitching that occurs with it.

And Sudafed rocks too - until it wears off.

Trust me - it was really funny.

Stupid blog!

It takes a village.

Although I am not a fan of the woman who coined this phrase - I believe that there is truth in her words.

The bottom line of this statement is - if everyone pitched in with the needs of raising a family - the children of the world would be better off.

Let's just say....We have a woman raising a child. She is alone and her ex-husband is far away and really hasn't been part of the child's life.

The woman's family is also far away. Her only comfort in them is a talk on the phone and an occasional visit.

There are siblings from both sides - hers and her ex husbands. But they are busy doing their own thing. Raising their own families.

Words are spoken from the past - like I really need to be more involved. I need to come and hang out with this kid for a few hours so that they know that they can count on me.

A few attempts are made- but it never lasts. It makes the other person feel good that they tried.

These same people are the first to shake their heads and wonder what happened to that child when something goes wrong. What got into them? What's that parent doing? You need to do this. You need to do that.

I used to cringe at the Cuban families where I grew up. They had everyone living with them.

Mom, Dad, Gramma, Grandpa, kids. I used to think it was because they didn't have any money - that's why people lived 10 to a house. I was wrong.

I am not saying that this is the perfect situation but I now see what a wonderful situation it could be. The Japanese do the same. They care for their parents as they age as their parents did for them while they were growing up.

Most Americans look at it like a freedom is being taken away. My Gramma for example owns her own house - has her own life. Everytime you ask her to sell it - visit with her children or I have even mentioned a small mother in law's quarters type of thing - you are automatically answered with...I don't want to be a burden. I have a life.

But - look a little deeper into it. I know marriages don't last forever. Its a thing of the past. Most people don't have the patience for another. I know I don't.

But I have spoken on family before. Your family is always there.

A perfect situation is that everyone is close to each other. Every relative watches out for each other. Hand in hand they work together.

I grew up a block away from my Gramma. I know that in HB's family his Gramma lived with them until she passed.

In certain neighborhoods - you have everyone within a few blocks of each other. Never to leave because that's where their family is.

Can you see the benefits of everyone giving a hand? Being an extra set of eyes? Sharing parts of their lives and helping to mold and possibly influence the children around them?

I think the village theory is a good one.

Shame it will never be put into practice.

I'm too old and too drunk for this stuff.

*****This is an R rating - if you are under the age of 17 - please ask your parents permission (lmfao)******

See I knew that that phrase would come in handy.

I just want to talk briefly about cop outs. Cop outs are another way to say excuses.

Everyone has excuses. No one is responsible for their poor choices that they make every day.

This is why there are hazard markings on everything. I'm surprised that there isnt a warning on my pen - telling me to make sure that I keep it away from my eye or ear and only use it for its intended purpose of writing on a soft piece of paper. But then again a piece of paper can give you a paper cut and that of course is the fault of the paper maker and the trees that they killed to give you the paper.

The excuse I hate the most is what I call the stripper / porn star excuse.

You know the one.... If you watch Howard Stern enough.

"So - you like being a donkey teaser?"

"Love it! It's what I aspired to be. First I practiced on my gerbil, then my dog. The rest is history!"

"So - where's your father? I mean was your father in your life?"

"Not really, my father left home when I was very young. But we get along great now! I love him. He was young and stupid. And he is very proud of me! I forgive him"

"UH - Yeah...So when you did that first gang-bang video when you were 18...."

"Yes - that's because I didnt have a relationship with my Father then. I was looking for the company of a man to make me feel whole."

"So how's your hole now?" (But I digress) Remember it's Howard Stern.

That is the biggest cop out ever. My Daddy wasnt around so I need a man.

We all need man (unless you are a Lesbian and then you pretend you are a man). They wash our cars, they fix or cars and they move heavy things.

I don't need a man. I think I make that very clear. Maybe I dont make it clear enough?

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Cop-outs are lame.

I am too old and too drunk for this stuff.

Gitte

Bridgette Nielsen.

Although I am thoroughly grossed by her relationship with Flava Flav. I think she's quite the playa and actually isnt in that bad of gig if you can get it.

She is famous for marrying Sly Stallone. Then she had a kid with Mark Gastineau (you can see another one of his ex wives on E! - a little series called Gastineau Girls). She played Red Sonia - but her movie roles have been trivial at best.

She now resides in Italy and lives with a boy slave.

She is having her second 15 minutes of fame on Strange Love.

She drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney. Time has not been very good to her as she is reported to be 42. She looks a little worn - but you can tell she was once beautiful.

She speaks different languages and portrays an air of class. But she is a dirty bird when it comes to men.

She flirts - she kisses - she hugs. She is allowed. Those are the rules.

Her companions - not. They seem to deal with it though. Free Love!

I am adopting her most recent quote from her most recent episode of Strange Love. I believe this quote can be used in a variety of different occasions.

"I'm a little too old and drunk for this stuff" and "I love you - but your freaking me out".

She's a cool lady.

A little flighty - But not too bad.

Failure

Failure as a Mom sucks.

You try and try and continue to do the wrong things.

I am gonna give up soon.

I am tired of trying, crying and caring.

The AH

I have mentioned this creature before. This person is the reason that I seriously distrust men and the reason why I have disregard for spousal opinion. Not that I don't respect them - I just hold little weight in them. Blood and family is different. If your not related - your opinion may piss me off - but I can do without you. True - it may mean that I may never get to see my relative again. But - I don't care. Honest.

Although my hate for him runs deep - he can still get under my skin.

I must deal with him because we have made a child together - but when he gets on a roll - his venom strikes me right to the core.

Could it be because he speaks the truth? A man who has known me for soooo long and knows so much about everything in my life that when he makes a comment he is just stating what I have been thinking?

I hate him. He makes me cry. He ruins my day. When you ruin my day - you ruin everyones day.

Somehow - someway - he gets fed information. Informaton I would never tell him. Things that I don't tell anyone. My Mom or HB...its a private and personal matter and he finds out.

He's the devil.

I wish I had the opportunity to pull his plug!