Likes and Dislikes Button

So a few posts back I mentioned my new g/f G.

We were falling into a groove. Hanging out - shopping, smoking, drinking too much wine.

But she's lonely - she wants to procreate - whaaaaaa!

So since we are in the the same industry - I know her picks in the work arena are slim. I nabbed HB - but since he's off the market - the rest are pretty icky (or married).

So she joined A....Online dating site. Like 3 of them! She's been on a couple of dates and so far I am happy, she is happy (somewhat).

She's very giddy school girl like. Although almost pounding on the 40's door - I am getting the..."Do I call him? Why hasn't he called me? What kinda kiss is that?" So far - the ones she has showed me were HOTT!

But, I am not a daters dream. I will knock you outta the park within the first 15 minutes of a date. Once (within 2 minutes) I don't find you sexually attractive ( ex: wanted to rip your clothes off at the table) you are pretty much just the guy who's paying for my cocktail. I will not give it a second date or another phone call. So - I am happy I have HB. He's the only sexy biatch I need and I need to remember that.....

That's why I started my own profile on one of these things. Now - wait...Before you say anything...I didn't put anything in the "Tell about your Match" or "Tell us a little about yourself". I just filled out the brown hair - brown eyes part and clicked on the Likes and Dislikes (more on this option later)

I didn't do the other one because I am lazy it takes and hour to fill out and it's like $50. So since I really just wanted to look at my "options" I went with the cheaper (read free) option.

I don't know what the third site was - but the guy she is gaga over matched with her on each one. Creepy - right?

So - back to me.

I did that - I skipped over the "Add Picture Here" (although I was quite tempted to put a picture of Buckwheat) . Went to my email and BING....You have mail!

"Hello You Sicko playing with the tender emotions of the lonely hearts....These are your matches!"

(Please note - to actually correspond with this guys you do have to pay a 9.99 fee. Like I said I just wanted to see what I am missing)

The verdict - NOT MUCH!

All my matches were rated at 65%. To me - that's settling (don't you think?)

So - this is where the Likes and Dislikes buttons come in.

Age - I don't want you to be younger than me - and you can be older - just not to old. I will cut you off at 50. Click

Hair - If you got it great - if you don't I just hope you look cool bald and not 60. Click

Eyes - as long as you can see - fine. Click.

Smokes - (Now this is tricky because HB doesn't smoke - but I tempt him into a Cigar from time to time so I can smoke extra) So I chose Cigar Lover. Click.

Drinks - Um...Hello....Yes - Regularly (that's at least a drink a day right?) Click.

Build - Well since I am a woman of ample ass - I need a man that I won't crack in half. So I send love out to the Average / Stocky boys. Click.

Height - See above - you MUST BE TALLER THAN ME. Click.

Diet - Meat - but must like veggies. Click.

I checked all the Likes and Dislikes boxes of stuff that HB and I like to do. Heck - I need to trade up - not be bored to death.

Check - check - check.

All I got was 65% match. Wanna know why? Simple 5 things.

I am too old. The 37 year old and older want their women to stop at 35.

I am too tall. This is a sad fact in life that I must face - I am taller then the average male. Stick a pair of heels on me - I will look down on the receding hairline - Buddy.

I am not. Slim - slender or Athletic.

I smoke. Most replies were...Ewwww - No way.

I drink. I actually think they were lying - every guy likes to drink.

So changing these things for me to be really - truly- happy - is a no-can-do.

So - I get myself in the 'Ok - since I am not Perfect maybe I will Settle mode'.

Let me tell you - these guys on this site have a lot of nerve being picky .

"Hey buddy - those are your requirements and I am not good enough for you? No wonder your still single!" I scream at the monitor.

Then I hear HB...."Honey....whaddya doing?"

Click - I hit the big X.

I gave him an extra tight hug - I am grateful he likes my tall - ample - smoking and drinking ass!

As for G. I hope she finds love - but she's already talking about quitting smoking since on that Likes and Dislikes button...

She pressed - Eeeeewww - No Way.

Oscars

I know nothing about them - haven't seen one of the movies up for nomination.

What I do know is Reality TV. I love it - I watch marathons and marathon reruns and know the time when I can see the sneak peek of the show that's on when I am sleeping.

Since I am a MTV freak. I have to catch Meet the Barkers. I love their love. It would be wonderful if they are married happily ever after. But since the breakup of The Newlyweds - I see that this type of marriage on display is a dangerous thing. I wish them them the best.

Now - if they do make it they can always hop stations to VH1 who had Breaking Bonaduce. I would rename this show Breaking Bonoduce's Neck. His wife is a saint. I commend her for sharing all her dirty laundry. But - if and when they break up she will look like the good guy since we saw Dannys ass (literally).

But - if she needs a date - she can stay on that dial and join the cast of the Flavor of Love. Flavor Flav is without Bridgette N. And is on the search for the best babies momma that reality TV hoochies can provide. These women at first resembled old strippers - but the more I watch this train wreak of a program - I think they are all just very, very desperate.

Then later we enjoy Celebrity Fit Club and scream at Kelly L - your beautiful - I don't care if your a size 14. What the hell did you do to your face!?!

I miss the Brady program where Americas Top Model was trying to bag her some Brady.

I miss Surreal Life. But - the next one looks promising.

I miss ones that will never come back...Temptation Island. It's a horrible show - I have to cover my eyes when I watch the reruns. Terrible heartache - heartbreak and scandal! I love it.

And - a special nom goes to E!. Thank you for The Gastineau Girls - #1 Single and can I request that you get Princess Claire to grace us with her tone deaf presence again? Also - can we wrangle up somemore spoiled rich kids for another Cattle Drive?

Thank God for Fox Reality TV. You make my reality TV breaks more bearable.

So - I can't help you with Oscar info - but check your local listings....

I got me some American Idol to watch!

Sad.Sad.Sad

I am really going to stop reading/ watching and listening to the news everyday.

It breaks my heart.

Hugs your kids and loved ones extra hard today.

Pickin' and Grinin'

Not fond of babies - because they always cry when I pick them up.

They laugh at my faces - but I was never good at calming one down. Ask my Mom when I had J. She always had to grab her from me because I didn't have that "calming nature".

Now that J is a teenager - I still get the same racing heart and high blood pressure because her shrieks of her hatred of me and how stupid I am still gets me soaring!

Now to little kids - I'm a riot.

My bosses 3 year old LOVES me! I make fart noises with my hand and I can color and make funnies that only a little kid would love. I can do the hokey pokie and I love the game Red Rover!

The reason I love this age is that they can talk and it's totally cute as hell. They will talk your ear off if you let them.

But the bestest reason is that they don't care about what they do - or who watches them do it.

They go to the bathroom with the door open and they want you to stand there and watch them and maybe have a conversation.

They fart and burp and if you look at them when they do it - they crack up!

They pick their nose and inspect it then wipe it one the wall and run away.

The pick their ass and get the best face. You smile because you know exactly the joy I am talking about.

But we as adults discreetly pick our boogers. We endure the pain of a wedgie. We let our farts seep out instead of letting them rip and burps are held until we get chest pains!

We giggle at them when they are little - but tell them it's rude manners when they get older.

But - you know in the privacy of your own home you do the same thing.

Now - I don't generally burp at the table after dinner out. But - some say it's a compliment to the chef.

I know a girl who did do it when we went out and she is my age and it cracked me up everytime.

I liked that she wasn't uptight like that.

Yesterday, I stopped in my tracks and couldn't take my eyes off an old lady who was digging for gold in the rear. Nothing was going to stop her - she was in the middle of a busy street and had the look of love in her eye as her fingers probed her buttcrack.

HB looked at me and said..."God Bless her - I know the joy she feels."

Amen brother!

Grateful

I am grateful for many things.

That my parents are both still alive and healthy.

That I have a good job that supports me and my family.

That my daughter (although a major pain) is minus any serious handicaps or diseases.

I am grateful when someone else pays the tab.

I am grateful when someone holds open the door for me.

I am grateful when support is offered not asked for.

The reason I mention these few things is that I am in constant amazement for the lack of gratitude in many.

No one owes you anything in life. Everything you get must be earned. If someone gives you something and there are no strings attached - I am always touched, happy and I don't complain about it.

Last weekend we were given a gift from our company. It was an all expense paid vacation of sorts. Free room for two days. Free dinner and entertainment in the evenings.

I live in a place where people spend ALOT of money to vacation. I mean ALOT! I think we are equivalent to NYC in terms of hotel rates and dinner costs. So when someone pays for this stuff - I am appreciative.

Well - apparently some of my coworkers disagree. They apparently feel that they (or the company) could have gotten more for their money. Some would say they were making observations and just speaking outloud - no harm done. I say - you apparently come from money, are made of money or live a very high standard in life to even have the BALLS to...Complain (yes - I said it...Complain!)

My kid complains all the time. She is a spoiled teenager and reality will hit her in the face in about 3 years when I kick her out on her caboose (if not sooner).

But - when you are an adult - you know better. Don't you?

My room last week faced the ocean and I opened the windows for a wonderful breeze and relaxing sound of the waves.

Fifty feet was all that was between me and the mighty blue.

Three blocks of walking offered shops and dining and entertainment. HB and I (although we live here) took advantage of the free time and got up and out. Walking everywhere and enjoying the city and the day.

I ate at two of the best restaurants featured in Ocean Drive Magazine. I did four of the "Things to Do". Somehow - I was allowed to get into an exclusive nightclub that only allows "the prettiest, the finest or the richest" because of one of our companions.

I totally loved it!

It sickened me to hear them.

They complained about the rooms although that is not what the money got you. Your from the Midwest....We put you on the ocean!!!

They complained about the food. Sorry about the fact that we didn't buy burgers and fries for you while you were here. There was a McDonald's on the corner.

Oh - but wait...That would have meant that you would have had to venture out! You didn't even leave your hotel room during the day. You said you were catching up on your rest. But when we took you to the nightclub (you begged to go to) you sat there holding onto your purse with the look of boredom on your face and left after 15 minutes.

I really don't get it. It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off when they say they had an "ok" time.

I say the company does save their money next year.

I say they leave your asses home!

DogFro

In an attempt to keep Spike looking at his very best I was finally able to fanagle a local groomer into a mancut for my puffy canine.

HB has very strict requirements for Spike. The most important of which is that he will not - shall not ever...ever...EVER resemble a Poodle.

So - we were told that the coif he sported was called a 'puppy cut' and that any groomer would know about it and that was truly the deciding factor for HB to lay down the dough so that I could get my hairy pooch.

So during my call to the groomer - he was told of Spike's breed and wanted to know immediately if a 'poodle cut' was in his future.

I said No! And I told him when I saw him I would explain what we required of him.

It really was simple I thought. The directions were...See what he looks like now? Just take a few inches off and clean up around his eyes (so he can see) his pee pee (so he doesn't drip) and his butthole (so I am not picking poop off of him).

The man seemed like he knew what I wanted and then asked again...Are you sure you don't want a poodle cut? Then explained to me what it was.....

Blah , blah, blah (Dude, I am really trying to be polite as I know you are seemingly gay and I don't want to have to say....If HB gets a cakeboy when we return he will be very angry!)

I repeated my desires and then left. I really didn't want to fight too much because finding a groomer for a puppy is a task within itself. So - I winked, turned and walked quickly out the shop.

Two hours later..... (Spike is ready for pickup)

I walk in behind a H-U-G-E man in cowboy boots who was picking up a very, tiny, little Yorkie.

He asked for the Nascar collar and I had a secret giggle to myself.

I don't think you can butch up a Yorkie - but Cowboy thought it did. I guess it was the same reason we bought a spike collar for Mr. Fancy Pants. We needed to butch him up so HB would feel comfortable walking him.

Well - here comes Spike....Looking like...A POODLE. A modified version of one - but now you look at him and you know what he is.

We liked when people would say..."What breed is he? Really? He doesn't look like a poodle? I have never seen a poodle look quite like that...He's adorable."

HB and I were proud that we were maybe putting a different spin on the breed and now families would go out and buy one because they wanted to be ...just.like.me!

So - Mr. Groomer says...."You likey?"

I am amazed my dog has eyes - I hadn't seen them as they were hidden beneath a tuft of hair that reminded one of a sheep or Fozzie Bear. I almost thought he had sheepdog in him and I was going to pretend he was a miniature sheepdog - so that I would be the first on the block to have one!

I inspected his pee-pee and his butthole and I agreed that he did what I asked him to do...But there was something amiss with my dear Spike. Couldn't put my finger on it but - I knew HB wasn't going to be super happy - but at least he still had hair (some).

So - I bring Spike to HB to inspect and he said..."He really wanted to make Spike a poodle".

"What do you mean?" I say

"Look at his head...Its huge compared to the rest of his body! Its all fluffy!"

I look and make and excuse that everyone looks fluffy out of the blowdryer.

So - HB smoothes down the mane o'hair and says..."Well that looks a little better".

(Whew...Close one)

Then E comes over (HB's kid).

"Look at the dogfro!" She says with glee!!!!

(Shutup.Shutup.SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!!!)

HB joins in...."Yes! It's a total Dogfro....They really should have done this...or this..."

So you know that Meatloaf song where he's praying for the end of time so he can get away from the girl that he promised he would be with forever?

I am praying for Spike's hair to hurry and grow so that I don't have to hear about it anymore!

Sorry Spike!

This is funny....

(My Momma just sent me this - and I have never had a visit to Starbucks like this one - but God that would be funny!)

An Irish woman of advanced age, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks thedoctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really, What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

Come on Friday...

We will be doing our yearly Holiday Party (a month late) this weekend.

It's held down on South Beach in a niiicceee hotel and its a virtual eat/drink/relax fest for a whole weekend.

Better yet..Its on someone else's dime!

Momma is coming into town tonight to watch the J and HB said we don't wanna know anything about anything unless we have to go to the jail or the hospital or the morgue.

I know that sounds harsh - but I have a hormonal teenager at home and she has given me a Christmas present from hell that has extended way beyond its smell good date.

Speaking of smelling. Because my Momma is coming in - I decided to clean out the fridge so that:

A: That funny smell goes away.

B: She doesn't eat anything that might make her sick because its been in there waaayyy past the 3 day rule (her rule-not mine)

C: I don't want her to think I'm a pig.

So - I ditched the smelliest culprits first. The ones that you could smell thru the container or the ones that were bloated and green.

But then I had some meat-product that I really couldn't tell if it was bad or not.

So - I went outside with it and tried to share it with Mooch (my neighborhood alley cat that comes to eat 2x a day).

Needless to say - Mooch - who will eat dog food and lick that little black spot of drippings underneath the grill that has been festering wouldn't touch the meat-product.

She sniffed - looked at me - sniffed again then ran into the other yard.

I guess it wasn't any good. Well, that ended up in the trash too.

So - now I have a very empty fridge that needs some snacks for the Momma. So - I will be taking care of that today.

I will update you on the whole weekend when I return - if I return - if you can find me.

I may decide being waited on poolside by a hottie cabana boy is the life for me and may never return!!!

Muuuaaahhhaaaaaaa!

Alone?

I sit with my Apple Martini and have already smoked - and I am bored.

"Hello? Am I alone out there?"

I wondered what other blogs were about so I kept hitting next blog up on the right hand corner.

Most of them are in a different language and their graphics really f*** up my computer. Those are the Chinese or Japanese ones. Some have pretty pics but not a whole lot to say.

"This is my cat cleaning itself."
"This is me"
"This is my nipple"

Crap like that.

I have about 10 blogs I read daily. Never comment - just read and can't wait for an update. When they finally update its like my day is complete. It's very important. It's almost become a sick ritual.

I still check Brothermans everyday - but there is nothing there. Even though I never understood what he was talking about most of the time.

My profile says that I have had over 321 views on my profile.

But besides my family and Kitty Kat and the occasional spam or the vague comment that I really have no clue if they even read the segment - I don't think anyone reads this pile o' crap.

So - This is probably going to show me what a total loser I am - but I will keep this open for 24 hours.

That will give all the secret lurkers like myself an opportunity to say "Hi, How are you? You suck...You make me laugh...I love you....I hate you but I can't stop reading the vomit inducing crapola you spew you Republican Drunk!"

And in return - I will look at your blog. I will leave a comment on your posts to let you know that I see you too.

I think this might be an experiment gone very,very wrong or maybe I will make a new blog buddy.

Kitty Kat - tell all your friends so I don't have to cry in my drink D'Jour in 24.

Ok - the comments may start....Now!

Main gay

I need a main gay. Kathy Griffin has one (actually she has a few) on her show "My life on the D list".

They are always funny and charming. They tell you if your ass looks fat and they look good on your arm or at your table when you need a "man" around.

I want to be like Will and Grace. So much so I am thinking of walking into the salon with a picture of Grace and say..."See her hair? Make mine look just like that!"

It won't help me with the fact that I would have to lose about 100 lbs to look like her. But, hey I want to hang with a gay man....I don't need to impress him. He's not going to want me in that way.

Gay men just seem to have a great life. I have never met a Gay that didnt seem to have fun all the time.

They party, hang out with fun people and I am so jealous.

I have tried to be accepted by the Gay community. I go to Gay plays at the local playhouse - the arthouse on Gay Artist nite.

You know me, I am usually the woman that is trying to nudge in on your conversations. I just want to be accepted by you guys!!!

I tell you how great your shoes are and compliment your perfect sideburns.

I am not trying to hit on you - I know your Gay.

I just want to be your friend.

Is that so wrong?

Diet secrets?

Does any one else find it odd that US Weekly is doing a story on "Dieting Secrets of the Stars" and they have a picture of Lindsey Lohan in a bikini on the cover and Vanity Fair has a 5 page article on Lindsey where she admits to drug use and having bulima?

US Weekly's article mentions nothing about who her coke dealer is and where we can obtain her diet secret from.

It also doesn't tell me if she used her finger or a toothbrush stuck down her throat to make herself vomit. Or - maybe she likes that syrup that makes you puke?

I'm really confused. I think I want my money back!

Names

You know... Although my name was made up during some drunken stupor my parents were in.

I along with other African American women have come to accept my name.

I get many compliments, along with the constant misspelling and mispronunciation of it daily. But it is mine and when I meet another female of the same name we constantly compare how and when it came about.

Mainly I get called a perfume that smells like an old ladies coat that hasn't been laundered in years. Many men - think it's sexy to call me that and think it's a surefire way into my panties - but I've heard it all before buster.

So - I am looking online as I have nothing better to do with my time and come across the number one names....

I am pleased to announce that not one of you in my family that was blessed with such normal names such as Joe and Bob and the kid that is usually referrered to as "G** Dammit" is not on the list. I'm not on the list. But I am never on the list and I am angry about it!!!!

Mom - No
Dad - No
Brotherman - No
Sassy - No
S and O - No - No
Auntie - No
Aunties spawn - No
J - Nope

Now on another note my maiden name made number 54 on the list for boys names. Yippee!

Good News - since we are no longer in that Presidential era - they will never be taunted about it the same way as I was when I was a child. But - the usual rhymes will occur and that is just a thing called "childhood".

Suck it up - get over it and move on.

Ok - I tried to make it positive - and I see a slanted positivity...It's there I swear.

Outta booze!

I got so many bottles for the holiday - my new wine rack was almost full. But - As quickly as they came they were rapidly drank.

So - my birthday is coming up (although I will not / cannot wait) until then. Bottles are always appreciated.

I will start my new post by saying something positive as we know it will all go downhill from here - I truly love HB. That man is a saint and although I said that I would NEVER marry again, if that guy asked me I would be jumping on that train in a heartbeat. I know you don't read this but I am forever grateful.

I got my presents for the Christmas season. One of which I use constantly (thanks M and D)! I love it - love it - l-o-v-e it.

My other present - Spike is a PIA (Pain in the ass) as opposed to a POS (piece of shit) although there do seem to be quite a few of those nasty brown nuggets of doggy poo everywhere nowadays.

But as with most babies - we soon forget once they become trained well enough to fetch your slippers.

I also have a new friend - who is a girl and I really like her. She's not really new - I have known her for a while and she was HB's friend first but I have adopted her as my very own. She's a Brit and she can keep up with me at the local tavern and smokes more than I do. I truly admire that in a chick that I hang with. She also has a job and loves Starbucks as much as I do so - she can pay for her own $4 cuppa coffee.

It's nice to have a girlfriend as I don't like women generally as I think they all are awful wenches. I have had a heck of a time connecting with other women and the girls I do like all seem to move to other states. So its not like I can invite them over to come drink with me when HB's doing the kid thing.

To think, I was almost going to join a ....Women's club! But - the scrunchies and soccer mom vans parked outside were enough to make me hightail it outta there. I tried - I really did - I was lured by the offer of Apple Martini's and pate -but I know I was trick as soon as I saw the Martha Stewart curtains in the window.

So - I will call her G is asking something of me that I cannot believe. I know she is trying to keep active in her old age (she's my age by the way)...She wants me to join a fitness bootcamp with her for 6 weeks.

I think I will pass, as I like my coffee and cigs at 6 in the morning and not eating sand on the beach while some hardbody calls me names like "saggy bottom sissy".

Its been fun hanging with her the past few weeks and she's has also helped me out a lot the past few days. I think I will keep her around, until she decides to move outta state like all the cool ones do.

So - I think I kept this one on a positive note as much as I could have. I know their is a bit of sarcasm oozing thru - but hey...Can't change everything in one day.

Ok - so I am a follower...

Everyone is making changes to their blogs and you know as I stated in my last post I had a shitty end of the year soooo...maybe changing things up a bit will change my luck.

New day they say.

I will post a new and improved drunk ramblings from The 'Hood soon.

Ciao.